Father struggling

[NK346f2849X127d8bca260]

My mother is 85 diagnosed with dementia four years ago, also has RA she has always been controlling towards my father and this has become worse, along with physical abuse towards him.
She stays in bed all day, does not even go to the bathroom so uses commode, he does everything but it is never good enough for her.
My father is 87 needs a hip replacement, he cancelled surgery as she didn't want to go into care home when he was in hospital. Yesterday he phoned at 9am sounding really emmotional saying they needed help.
Parents phoned SS on Tuesday but were told there was nothing they could do. Two years ago i had a meeting with SS and they put a really good care package in but mum cancelled everything within a few weeks of it being put in place.
I tried out of hours SS number but no reply over weekend. I shall contact them tomorrow not sure what to ask for now though.

I do not live local to them, it is a 3 hour round trip so hard to keep an eye on situation.

Sorry to be blunt, but your mum needs to be in a care home. My fil died as an indirect result of staying at home for too long. If your dad has cried out for help, then you need to let him get his surgery and get your mum into a care home for the duration - and she really can't come out, ever.

Ok, out of hours is not what you need. They will only do life or limb stuff

Please contact adult services in weekday office hours and take to them, literally spell out what you have said. The most immediate thing for me is that - unintentionally- mum is causing harm to dad who is an adult at risk but she is a vulnerable person too (as an unintentional perpetrator)

Adult services will want to assess and offer help

• Talk to them not take

Doesn't matter what anyone else says in here, you need to speak to frontline Local authority social workers , forget what they said before because it you spell out what you have told us or even just read off what you posted here, it triggers a statuary response

We all encouraged him to have surgery and have felt she needed to be in a care home months ago. Their old social worker was very good and went out regulary to assess the situation and encourage them to accept carers so they could keep an eye on any abuse but unfortunately she retired in September.

Sorry, but what is a statuary response?

Your father is at risk of abuse from your mother (well, probably being abused) and that should trigger an immediate response from Safeguarding and Social Services. (That’s what I think Threeteens means). Phone their social services tomorrow morning. Do you have POA for either of them? Do you know exactly what they said to SS last Tuesday or what SS said to them?

Yes, I meant a s42 safeguarding response under the care act 2014

I didn't want to scare you, but social workers can safeguard whilst also understanding it is unintentional harm & unintentional risk by a vulnerable person to another vulnerable person, but both mum and dad heed protecting in their situation - that may just mean talking to dad about what might help most

Please ring adult services (adult health and care) in the morning Monday and talk to them

Apparantly mum told them she wanted to go in care home , but she has rung them on several occassions before and when they have visited she has said no she doesn't.
Social services rang back next day, so i guess they looked at their file and saw that the calls had happened before. Trouble is dad is so frightened of her and will never say anything about her. When i phoned them this afternoon and spoke to him she was shouting out to him that she was listening! So i couldn't ask him anything, as i said earlier she has always been very controlling and the dementia seems to making it alot worse.
I have seen bruises on him, a couple of years ago she hit him over head with walking stick when he was asleep. I reported that to SS but when they looked into it he wouldn't say anything.

I have financial POA not the care one, it was done quite a while back.

I hope you've managed to call social services and tell them all this. It's a very difficult situation for them to manage but your father needs protection from your mum and it sounds as though your mum needs more care than she is likely to be getting.

God your poor dad. I hope SS have listened.