I’m in need of a handhold to stay strong in having a ‘talk’ with my parents

[Fitforforty]

My parents are in their early 70s. DM has MS, COPD, heart failure and a few other more minor illnesses. 2 years ago she broke her hip and this has impacted her mobility more. Now she has carers to help her shower in the morning, other than getting up and dressed she literally sit in a chair all day watching the TV and complaining. DM won’t do physio or move around or join activities or contact friends - she was like this pre - fall and was always a complainer. DD has heart failure and a raft of old age issue, he has many hospital admissions recently and the Drs have told him he has post vital fatigue and needs to take it easy. DM has returned from hospital again with a catheter. This means she will move less because she doesn’t have to get up to the loo and DD will have more to with catheter emptying and swapping for night bag. They have a lady who does cleaning a couple of times a week. Mum has a falls alarm.

I need them to consider what happens if DD ends up back in hospital. I’ve told them I can’t stay over again as I have a toddler who bf over night and their house is far too dangerous for a toddler to be left while I do anything to help. Mum need to have breakfast before her shower or she gets wobbly - I have suggests she gets the morning carers for an hour so they can get her breakfast too but this would be too late or I can come in the morning to give her breakfast but I would have to leave by 8.10 for the school run but this is too early. I want them to get a lock box for a key for carers to let’s themselves in but this is a no too. I think they need the evening carer back - they stopped them due to covid but that meant my sister had to fill the gap. When DD is in hospital we have to provide all meals for DM and watch her eat them as she has issues with swallowing/choking. She complains that the food is cooled and I need to microwave her dinner - well yes by the time I drive from my house, leaving my kids and husband to have dinner and I don’t have time to eat because I’m doing all her household jobs, it will get cold. It downy help that she complains about everything and won’t even try to work through solutions. She has no idea how little she can do and how much DD is doing.

I don’t think I’m being ridiculous in suggesting they need a) evening carers, b) lock box with a key c) bag packed each for their frequent hospital admissions (monthly) d) when DD is ill for DM to increase care to 3 times a day so they can do lunch, empty catheter and check she has taken her tablets and to increase morning carers to an hour.

DD says ask your DM. DM says we will see and everyone else has to run around after them.

have they had a recent social services assessment for care needs.

i can see why a key safe is a good idea, but if they won't agree to that, could they have a ring doorbell, with camera, and remote opening.

@alexdgr8 thanks for replying. No, I can’t get them to have another assessment. I don’t think my Mum would actually hear the doorbell if she is asleep when the carers call (she sleeps very deeply and is going a bit deaf) and then there is the issue of her struggling to walk as far as the front door in the mornings on a bad day.

i meant the kind where you open the door from where you are, electronically, so she doesn't have to walk to it.
or at least a ring doorbell so she could see and speak to callers through it.
someone i know has this, and she uses it to tell certain people, nurses, what the number for the key safe is.
she refuses to tell them in advance, ie won't let them record it on her notes, as she is bed bound and feels the number might be shared too widely and she wouldn't be safe.
seems unlikely to me, but she is obviously a sitting duck, so it's a reasonable compromise.
i think there are pads that vibrate from doorbell for hard of hearing, can be put on bed, seat to alert person to callers.
can they use mobile phone/ipad, needed for ring doorbell.
it seems a lot of responsibility on your father to deal with catheter night bag etc, seeing as he has health issues too, extra stress for him.

have they been seen by a community OT, who could suggest/supply equipment that might help.
if not ask GP to arrange.
you could contact their GP anyway, in writing, to share your concerns re their situation.

the thing to emphasise to doc etc, is you are concerned for their safety.

I didn’t know you can get door bells which do that. Thank you for the suggestion.

DM has been seen by OT but not recently. It could be worth contacting them.

Is your sister on board? It really helps if you both sing from the same songbook

@Peoniesandpeaches not my sister is around but as I’m a sahm she expects to me to do more than her but reality is with a school aged child and a toddler I just can’t fit it in. My sister does a lot and is a bit of a martyr and she won’t discuss it now.

It might need a crisis for there to be any change. As long as you are available there doesn't need to be any change - why bother when Fittforforty will do it exactly the way we like it and for free? What will happen when you go away on holiday? Whatever you just thought of, that's what needs to happen now.

If one of them is in hospital and the other is flat out on the floor the paramedics will need to get through the door after the fall centre has called them out. How's that work? If the answer is that they call you and you come with a key then it's time to point out how dependant on you they have become and how unfair that is on you and your family.

Nothing will change unless something happens. Either there's a crisis or you start saying "no" and stop running round after them.

@Knotaknitter this is exactly how I feel but my sister has been putting a lot of pressure on me to stay over when my Dad is in hospital- although her last plan was I do week nights and that weekend because it was her child’s birthday and the following week. I said there is no way I could do that for 12 days straight.

My Mum has a falls button so if it was her who fell then she could press that and they have key box but only they are allowed access to it.

I would second a referral to OT. Has anyone ever suggested your mum be in an indoor powered wheelchair rather than just sat in her armchair? With a few adjustments( depending on where they live) she might manage more for herself, including meals, although that does not remove the choking risk. With the key safe issue, tell her it can be put somewhere discreet and she can control who had the number but without it, if paramedics need emergency access they will break the door down.
A good OT will explore with your mum what SHE wants and help her achieve that in best way.
Also if you have a local carers support type organisation, refer yourself to them for advice as there are schemes for carers that if your dad was admitted, an emergency care can be arranged to live in until safe plan made. Possibly via Crossroads.

This isn't a solution to the long term problems, but sometimes small adjustments they'd not thought of can help them chug along for a few more years as they are. Can you suggest they keep packs of Belvita or similar breakfast biscuits by the bed with a glass of water so they can eat those and raise their blood sugar first thing before getting up, to allow your dad to rest more.

I feel for you. I had incredibly stubborn parents who limped along for years in their own home with insufficient care before finally realising they needed to make changes. One thing I learned is: you can't make them do anything. They are stubborn as toddlers but have adult rights. Their lives, their choice. Only intervene when it gets dangerous. And do make it very clear how much help you can reasonably give. Explain very bluntly that with small DC/a job/home to run you can't be on call 24/7.

I agree re OT. I think your toddler's needs are your first responsibility and this sounds really unsustainable.

I don't really have an answer but I'd certainly be thinking about booking a holiday. Tell them in advance you'll be away for a week and see what they say. If they do look a bit worried, they could at least get the carers in to start with.

Have you thought about an electronic lock with a keypad like they do at AirnB places
You can change the code easily and as often as you want
If you combine that with a ring doorbell then you have it covered
Personally I would just do it
And if she refuses then tell her you can’t do anything for her anymore
Point blank refuse to do it
Why should anything you do for your parents he twice ( often 10 times as hard ) as it should be causing you stress .
Honestly it’s the only way I’ve found that actually gets through to my dad and elderly relatives

The SW my dad has is arranging repairs and stuff to be done to the house for free
Including smoke alarms - grab rails outside and some other stuff
But the best way is to refuse to do anything
I point blank refuse to get involved with liasing with carers and being the person on call if they fall

YANBU
You need to say no to everything. It sounds harsh, but unless you have been in the position of struggling with elderly parents like this, it may be hard to understand why saying no is the best thing you can do.
I have told my children that they must never burden themselves with doing shit like this for me.
This is a problem experienced by thousands - I don't know why we don't have a better system to help elderly people. Actually I do, it's because the state like it when people like us work ourselves half to death trying to sort the problems out so the state doesn't have to.

You can suggest options to them (DD, DM and ds).

But the only thing you can control is how much you do. Tell them again that it's too much and that you can only do it for x amount of time then you are going to stop. Be clear than you're giving that time so that am alternative can be put in place.

It is really hard (I had to do this with my mum) and they might refuse to get other help (as my mum did).

Your children have to come first. I couldn't care for my DM and my children. It was incredibly hard to watch but I knew where my priorities needed to be.

I also agree that It might need a crisis for there to be any change. As long as you are available there doesn't need to be any change - why bother when Fittforforty will do it exactly the way we like it and for free? What will happen when you go away on holiday? Whatever you just thought of, that's what needs to happen

It’s a bit rich that your sister “volunteering” you for 12 nights straight

@User0ne l also agree people can only do what they can do and boundaries need putting in place. People might not like them but boundaries often are unpopular due to there very nature

Is your sister older or younger than you? It seems to me that she doesn't want to be involved and is pushing the onus on to you. Which is rather unfair, I think.

If you simply can't take on the responsibility and since your sister appears to be washing her hands of it, then there is only one thing you can do, and that is to get social services involved whether your parents like it or not.