I’ve just realised today that my DM is completely reliant on me.

[CrikeyMatron]

DM is lovely. Kind and funny and 87. Her mobility has declined over the past few years hasn’t been able to do things like nip to the local shop etc.

During Covid her weekly dance group closed and her friend who drove her has passed away. She was all ready to move from her house to a fab sheltered flat (500 metres from us) but has backed out completely for spurious reasons (plus fear of change and stubbornness).

I feel so guilty that I feel cross that she’s not planned for this. I care for her full time, shopping/appointments etc are only possible because I take her.

I don’t really know where i’m going with this but I’m not going to rely on my DC for everything when i’m elderly.

We have 2 of our children on the ASD spectrum and one with severe MH needs. I just feel resentful that I’m expected to listen to DM go on and on and on about her neighbour’s bin being 2 inches closer to the wall than before.

That's such a shame - it sounds as though she'd enjoy living in the sheltered accommodation. Could you take her there for another visit and to chat to a couple of residents?

She’d bloody love it if she was there. She has, however, convinced herself that she would’ve died from Covid and/or had a nervous breakdown from ‘not having a good view of her garden’. Honestly, her being there would’ve been amazing.

She seems to have forgotten how we struggled to care for her/had the admissions avoidance team out/DD had to give her room so DM could convalescence and be cared for.
DM has been a fantastic mother, grandmother and MIL, just wish she’d have made a different choice.

This is very hard. She no doubt believes she is independent- the scaffolding you provide is an invisible free good.
At the very least insist on other support- carer/ cleaner taxis etc as soon as possible.
Apply for attendance allowance ( with help from cab/ age uk) to get the right language.
And look after yourself.

If you asked my mother I'm sure she would say that she managed at home alone with no help at all. My help (shopping, gardening, meals, all medication, paperwork, driving...) is totally invisible to her. If she'd been paying for the same services from someone else then it would have been clear that she wasn't up to doing them herself but with me, well I'm just "helping".

It's easier to contract out some of the care hours you are providing to your mum than it would be with your childcare. If she's not going to move then maybe it's time to start making some long term plans so she is not as reliant on you and you can free up some hours from parenting her to spend on your actual children. If you can get someone else going through the door it lifts some of the responsibility from you because it's no longer all you all of the time.

She's planned alright!
her plan is to guilt trip you into doing what she wants you to

DM has been a fantastic mother, grandmother and MIL
She believes that in return for this you are now obliged to sacrifice yourself

I feel your pain, OP. In a similar position myself. There is a massive reality gap regarding what DM thinks she can do and what she can actually do - the invisible support of which other posters have spoken. Meeting her needs takes up a huge amount of my time.

Does your DM have any income (beyond basic pension) that could be used to pay for other people to do some of what you do for her? And have you found out what might be available via local services? I've just started this process with DM i.e. had visit with GP to get her into the system so to speak and organise a full assessment / see what she might be eligible for.

And agreed, I am 100% not doing this to my DC!!