Dad wants to go home but ....

[Wegobshite]

Apologies if this is long
My father 72 was taken into hospital in Feb after a severe reaction to his Covid jab . Spent 10 weeks in hospital had pneumonia twice , his diabetes levels were as high as 35 and as low as 3.5 twice we were told he wasn’t going make it through the night .
He then went to a rehabilitation center - to see if they could get him more mobile and assess him for going home he’s been there 8 weeks so far . And he’s actually worse than when he was admitted to hospital in Feb .
He can barley walk, only has the use of one hand , falls over regularly several times a week ( needed a hoist and 4 people to get him up last week when he fell in the shower ) he can’t open a pint of milk and is poohing and peeing him self a few times a week .
He was having 4-5 showers a day resulting in numerous slips and a few major falll until they banned him and moved him to a room opposite the reception so they can see if he is attempting to have his 5 shower by mid afternoon 😂
He also has COPD so trouble with his breathing , badly controlled diabetes & I think only 70% of his kidneys work propetlj
He also Has a hypo at least once or twice a week due to his diabetes .
He can barely see due to glaucoma used to have injections into his eyes every 2 months . When he was at home he was still bloody driving his car until I got my son to remove the car battery
And he is a miserable manipulative bastard to say the least 😂
He had a home assessment last week with the care manager and the OT . I was there to see how it went .
He couldn’t even get over the step to get in the house after five minutes of trying they got him in using a wheelchair . He was absolutely in agony and knackered after being in the house for 15 mins showing them what he couldn’t do 😂
He has every aid possible in the house from a disabled wet room to grab rails, stair lift and recliner chairs.
He decided that he wouldn’t be able to manage at home and the care manager and OT agreed and said it wouldn’t be safe for him to go home and to think about residential care homes .
Next day he sees a social worker who’s suggests that with a care package in place and “ help from the family “ she sees no reason why he can’t go home.
When he was at home prior to his hospital admission he fell over 3 times in 48 hrs - it was me that had to go and try to pick up a man who is 17 stone of dead weight as he can’t even support himself to assist anyone trying to pick him up .

So you lovely mumsnetters . Where do I stand with the SW when I tell them Im not participating in this madness .
I’ve already had a few “words” with one SW but they want to do another call next week
Im absolutely will not do any care at all for my father and I don’t want them contacting me if he goes home . I don’t mind visiting him and doing his shopping washing and cleaning but I don’t want to be in the position of being called to assist the carers if he falls over or he has shit himself - I know this makes me sound awful but I’m past caring . He’s argumentative and to be honest I know that he doesn’t really like me much . When he got his lifeline pendant it was like it was a green light to do what he wanted as he knew that if he fell over he would be able to get someone to come and help .
My dad will need double carers as he can’t dress himself ,can’t stand or support himself without assistance

So What do social services do in these cases where the person has no family support . Or the family are not willing to provide care
I know that my dad will be lucky to last 2-3 days without falling and ending up back in hospital

I have friends who are in similar positions and they are all on their knees with the stress of everything

He owns his house ( well 50 percent of it ) so there would be enough for several years worth of care home fees
My dads even said he knows he won’t manage and he’s scared that if he falls no one will be there but he doesn’t care and is determined to go home

 He has his own house of which he owns 50 percent ( when my mum died she left her half to my sister and my son

So money isn’t an issue as far as care home fees would be self funding

Definitely completely refuse to do anything at all. Any hint that you'll do anything - even making calls for him / drawing out his pension and they'll be drowning you in stuff within seconds.
SIL is having this with MIL at the minute, she's completely unable to cope with it all, it's making her ill, and still she's expected to go there every day and pick up the slack between carer visits. She works full time ffs. It's horrendous. I've told her to just say no, refuse point blank, and if she wants to see her DM just go for a social visit and a cup of tea. But she won't. We're 100s of miles away so can't pop in, so can't take any of it on. It's a complete shit show.

I wouldn't advise being flakey, then your dad might tell them you've said you will do stuff you haven't. Simply be clear about what you will and won't do, or say you won't do anything. Then step out of it and leave him to sort his life out as he wishes.

Thank you ladies you have been a great help
I will definitely be saying no to everything

The SW rang me earlier wanted to arrange to meet me at my dad house so she could assess what care he will need
I took great pleasure in telling I have no need to go to my dads house as I know what it’s like 😂 I grew up there ffs and If she wants to go and see his house to take my father as he has capacity ( that would be fun as he can’t even get over the doorstep )
I also asked for her full name and department so I know who to make a complaint about when my dad ends up back in hospital

I said the only time I want to hear from her or anyone else is when my father is in a care home otherwise to treat my father as if he has no family .

Be prepared to repeat ad nauseam. We do what we can for ILs but none of us are close so can't do regular care or pop in to check on them. MIL needs someone there 24/7. When FIL had a minor op he told SS that there was no need to arrange the offered week in a care home for MIL as family had offered to look after her. No one checked. This was 3 weeks before the op. Then 3 days before the op he phoned SIL and told her he needed an op but couldn't have it as SS wouldn't help with MIL so, of course we all rallied round and cancelled self employed work, booked annual leave, booked dogs into kennels etc. This was the first we knew of it. We found out the truth when I phoned SS to read the riot act. I also found out a few other things he hadn't been truthful about so he withdrew consent for them to talk to us.

SIL is having this with MIL at the minute, she's completely unable to cope with it all, it's making her ill, and still she's expected to go there every day and pick up the slack between carer visits
sounds like her mistake was to live close to her parents?
(I've always had very strong instincts to live far away from mine-now I'm glad I went with those gut feelings)

Well done OP. I'd not be agreeing to anything. If you want to do stuff for your dad keep it informal, but for goodness sake don't have it written into his care plan or you'll be guilted into doing more before you realise it. A close disabled relative of mine lives alone with support. I've been asked to agree that they can have a fall pendant as they fall many times a week. I've stated that it's nothing to do with me other than setting up the direct debit. I had to drill down into the detail to discover it would be my number that would be given as the contact when they fall. Er... no. Don't think so. I suggested that the best person would be the social worker as the emergency contact no...

@QioiioiioQ

SIL is having this with MIL at the minute, she's completely unable to cope with it all, it's making her ill, and still she's expected to go there every day and pick up the slack between carer visits sounds like her mistake was to live close to her parents? (I've always had very strong instincts to live far away from mine-now I'm glad I went with those gut feelings)

Unfortunately for SIL it was MIL that moved to be close to her!

I get the impression SIL has always, since childhood, been the one expected to drop everything and cater to MILs needs, with little to no thanks. Certainly other SIL is as much use as a chocolate teapot and also the best thing since sliced bread

Certainly other SIL is as much use as a chocolate teapot and also the best thing since sliced bread
of course, the favoured child wont be expected to sully themself with menial care work, the donkey will be allocated the donkey work

I also can't help but notice how people who live near their children seem to lose their independence more quickly.

@Ducksurprise

Don't offer any care, if you start with cleaning and shopping it will snowball. Refuse everything except a home, can you force the sale of the house? Then he will have the money to pay for care and no home?

It is possible to provide some care without getting sucked in. You have to be very alert for boundary creep and very firm about where your boundaries are. I'd also strongly advise not getting involved in stuff that can be outsourced, like cleaning and personal care, and concentrate your energies, if you do wish to be involved, on helping with decision making, finances and other things that can' be outsourced.

It’s good that you’ve stood your ground OP. No one will thank you for being a martyr and you’d just make yourself unwell with the stress. It’s better to be a daughter who visits a few times a week, than a carer who’s back and forth. Boundaries are important.

So my father is apparently being discharged on Wednesday
I haven’t heard from the SW I got this information from my dad
I’ve told him I’m not even at home on Wed - in fact I’m not at home all week so he needs to make arrangements within his carers for food and stuff
Hopefully a few days of absolutely no help whatsoever will bring him to his senses
I mean he can’t even get over the front door 😂😂😂

I know it's off topic, but where is your sister in this? How come she was left your mum's share of the house?

I know you need distance, and there's a danger of any contact being interpreted as you being 'involved', but I think I'd contact the SW - perhaps by email? - and say your DF has said he's being discharged and you need to reiterate that you will not be available to help at all, you will not be at his home, and will not be able to attend, even in an emergency as you are currently away from home. I wouldn't tell them when you're back either.

I'm slightly concerned, given his history, that he's saying 'oh yes, I can go home on Wednesday, wegobshite knows and will be there to let us in and show the carer around blah blah blah' my DGM used to do that - refuse permission for the hospital to tell my DM she was being discharged, also tell them she had help at home (DM was her only help and a 40min bus ride away, bus ran once a day!)

Oh dear. Like others have said, if someone is assessed as having capacity to make decisions about their care, including declining offers of help, then it can't be forced upon them. The only time I've ever seen it "forced" for want of a better word, is when someone has been admitted to hospital several times in succession and their family arrange an MDT and discuss openly what is appropriate and what is not with all MDT plus patient.

Even if you have made it clear to the social worker that you cannot provide any support, your dad could have said you will, and therefore he doesn't need care and if he has capacity, you can't force it.

I would query the capacity of someone who puts rubbish out at 2am or who has frequent falls but tries to get in the shower 4 or 5 times a day and ends up falling - that's not "normal" behaviour of someone who understands their risks and tries to keep themselves safe. The issue also is that social services will be the ones arranging care package or care home - IME there is often a clash between what health staff feel someone needs compared to what social services feel someone needs. And with regards to cleaning, laundry, shopping - it's likely that will have to be paid for rather than being provided by SS.

I'm glad you are strong enough to decline to provide support, and have made it very clear to the social worker. As HCP, I often give advice to family carers that they need to tell social services that they won't continue because invariably they feel bad, like they have let a family member down and keep going to near collapse, and the support for family and informal carers in this country is appalling, despite the fact that carers should have their own carers assessment of their own needs.

@Wegobshite

So my father is apparently being discharged on Wednesday I haven’t heard from the SW I got this information from my dad I’ve told him I’m not even at home on Wed - in fact I’m not at home all week so he needs to make arrangements within his carers for food and stuff Hopefully a few days of absolutely no help whatsoever will bring him to his senses I mean he can’t even get over the front door 😂😂😂

You really need to be 'not at home' every single time or you will be roped into this.

@Wegobshite Keep up the good work: the whole social care culture is very focussed on 'strengths based' and 'home first' and 'independence'. To a degree families do step up and that can be fair enough, but there are so many cases where people get squeezed in a vice between social services and selfish/blind-to-reality parents. And it is selfish - who would treat their own children like that?

Whatever happens do not not not attempt to get him up when he falls. He needs to call an ambulance. And if he can't mobilise they will take him straight back to hospital (when they eventually arrive, which is unlikely to be very quickly at the moment).

How did it go was your dad discharged today right enough?