House clearance AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH

[DeathByWalkies]

DGrandparent has gone into a care home. DGP and I are very close, and for much of my childhood their home was pretty much my home.

DGP lived in a big old former farmhouse - ridiculously big for a retiree - and had a penchant for collecting items of varying value from antiques shops, charity shops, auction houses and jumble sales. There's a LOT. Some of it is saleable at Bonhams, some of it needs to go into a skip.

DParent is now acting the fucking martyr about it, complaining about how much there is to do, but either rejecting or micromanaging any help. We're normally quite close, but I have long suspected he's on the autism spectrum.

Yesterday we had a shouting match because I sorted out a lot of books to go to the charity shop (none of which are valuable, or of any interest to us - it was books with titles like "microwave seafood cookery" which was very 70s), and asked him to check them before I did (I'd put them all, spines up, in cardboard boxes, so this was a very easy task). He simultaneously refused to check them and refused to let me take them to the charity shop without him checking first.

He's also saying he wants the house sold ASAP (fair) but is questioning whether we should get a skip in for the complete junk (old mattresses, broken garden furniture, a wee-stained rise and recline chair etc. etc.) which is a no-brainer in my eyes.

I work full time++ and don't appreciate having my time wasted - having taken time off work to help him I expected that he'd allow me to use my time productively.

By the end of the day he'd managed to reduce me to tears (and I never, ever cry) and then shouted at me while accusing me of "sulking" as I sat on the floor and sobbed because he'd finally tipped me over the edge. Needless to say it didn't help. On the drive home that night I very nearly had to pull over on the hard shoulder because I was crying again and could barely see (are you allowed to pull over in such circumstances? Knowing my luck I'd get 3 points on my licence).

I've taken (with permission) some small trinkets from the house that I'd like to keep, and said I'll be back for an item of furniture it's been agreed I can have (I need a van for that). I'm very, very close to saying I will simply not set foot in the house again, because right now I have no idea how else to handle it. I don't know what I expect from this post, but how the fuck am I meant to handle this shit?

I think what I'm really asking is - AIBU to simply walk away from this shitshow?

Keep visiting DGP in the care home, take the remaining item of furniture I want, and simply refuse to have anything more to do with the house clearance and sale?

There's no one else willing and able to help, so DParent would have to do it all himself.

Yes I agree with you, go and collect your item, make Dparent aware you can and will help when theyve decided what they are doing ie getting a skip etc. Then walk away.

Echo winter step away. 🌺🌺

Did your parent ask you to help with the house clearance, OP? It's a very stressful time for both of you in the circumstances (I hope your DGP is OK), clearly you were close to your DGP but I'm assuming this is your parent's parent house? It must be hard for them.

Absolutely walk away!
I'm sorry your DP is being so horrible and awkward.
Not really your problem though, is it?

Yes, it's my parent's parent's house. Not my parent's childhood home though, so I'm more attached. For DParent, it's his parent's retirement home. For me, it was the house that gave me a stable home when my parents were unable to provide one themselves. I spent a lot of time there, as my grandparents were free childcare, free after school care, hosts of every Christmas in my lifetime (even if we've done all the work for the last few years), and were essentially a second set of parents to me.

I was asked to come and help with moving DGP, and inevitably part of that is dealing with the house. We're the sort of family where if you see something needs doing then you do it. We all have keys to each others houses, and appointments aren't necessary, IYSWIM.

Legally, it's not my responsibility but morally I do feel some responsiblity - partly because it's my beloved grandparent and partly because it is a huge job for one person. I just can't deal with someone who wants to act the martyr and complain about how much they have to do while blocking others from providing help.

I think I'm going to email and ask for an apology (fat chance), tell him I'm booking a van on X date, and will reconsider offering more help if there's a skip and I'm trusted to make decisions about things like moth-eaten bedsheets and crap 70s cookery books.

But I can't go around and then spend all day sitting around achieving nothing when I've taken the day off work, which is what he was expecting.

Well no one can say you haven't tried.

Yes email and tell him you will only help if you can get a skip and bin the rubbish, otherwise it's a waste of everyone's time.

I really sympathise with the stress of the situation and also with working with someone else’s way of (not) handling it.

I don’t think escalating matters by email will be helpful for either of you.

I’ve been helping with house clearance for two different relatives in the past year — handled very differently and each stressful/upsetting in their own way.

I suggest that you think of getting in an auction house which will value/sell items which are valuable and also take less valuable things to charity shop/dump.

If you are in the southeast I have a recommendation but there are plenty of such firms.

Good luck.

I wouldn’t email your dad, OP. That could escalate the tension. Make it clear verbally that you’re happy to help when there’s a particular role for you, and leave him to it. I think it’s fair that he takes the lead on this tbh, as the child of the elderly person.

All the best.

I've seen this suggestion on here

Take photos of items that you like, but for whatever reason you are unable to keep. Because once they are gone they are gone forever

I've had to sort through relatives "stuff'
Suggest piles
To keep
To sell
To give away
To charity
To recycle
To rubbish

Good luck