FIL again

[countrygirl99]

Sorry this us long, just need to rant. I've written about my stubborn FIL before. He is 83 and main carer for MIL who is severely disabled following a stroke. He has become quite frail now, falls frequently and the slightest bug knocks him for six. MIL really needs to go back into a home but he won't have it and has a tantrum whenever anyone tries to discuss a long term plan that isn't a DIL giving up work to look.aftrr them (not going to happen). Since MIL came home he has been telling her SS will provide a 24 hour live in carer if anything happens to him which he knows is a lie. He knows we know but refuses to talk to anyone who says so for a week or so. So that's going to be fun when the crunch comes, likely very soon.
The last year has been quite rough for the whole family. Several family members have taken a big income hit due to covid. 1 of DHs brothers had an accident that he was lucky to survive and is still recovering, the other is off work following a nasty liver infection. My parents are older and have their own major health issues, including dementia. DH has given up several days work recently to take his dad for hospital treatment.
Yesterday morning DH spoke to his dad who said he was in pain and asked DH what painkillers he could take. Moaned that the suggested paracetamol/ibuprofen wouldn't be good enough and huffed when DH said in that case he would need to speak to his GP. No idea what he expected DH to do, come running I guess. Last night, while DH and DS1 were out collecting some second hand furniture DH got a call from the carers "your dad is ill, he won't go to hospital unless someone sits with your mum, what are you going to do". So he told them he can't help, he is out helping someone else and has a diabetes check himself first thing in the morning. In the end an elderly aunt went round and paramedics came and checked him over. It turns out he has been self medicating with immodium for the last 10 days as diarrhoea is a side effect of his treatment. He just had self inflicted constipation! God knows what would have happened if he had needed to be admitted, likely he would have refused.
DH has reached his limit with him and us now trying being tough with him instead of dropping everything and running over every time. We are an hour away so ok in a real emergency/planned visits but it's just too much now.

Believe me, we have had those conversations. On the phone he just ends the call, or we get accused of wanting to put her into a home so we don't have to bother. Face to face he just turns away and refuses to speak to us like a giant toddler. The closer it gets to being inevitable the more stubborn he gets. I understand that it's scarey and upsetting but he is beyond reason on this. It's got to.the stage where we think something like a fracture would be a good thing as it would force the issue but they could still see each other, which is a horrible way to feel.

It's not his fault but really he IS a giant toddler he doesn't have the cognitive capacity to deal with the situation, it's not your fault either you shouldn't have to be dealing with this, as a society we should face up to and find ways of managing the issues that come with old age.

I don't think he doesn't have the cognitive capacity, he is just unwilling to face up to the issues. I think he feels he has failed if she goes into home and just doesn't want to upset her. Besides which he will miss her dreadfully, her care has been the entire point of his existence for 6 years.

FIL wants the women in the family to give up work to look after MIL.

Just suppose, for a moment, that wasn't comedy mad 'n' selfish. OK, he doesn't care about you. Don't bother with silly arguments about needing to eat/work/bring up DGC, or anything trivial like that.

But FIL has to care about the facts. So come back with practical points:

1. MIL Is paralysed, incontinent, etc etc, non-verbal, etc etc. No one person can look after her - she's too big for a woman to lift, for a start.

1. No suitable DD or DIL is medically trained. What happens when MIL gets iller? No one can take that responsibility. If MIL dies, it's on him.

1. If FIL doesn't get proper care himself from trained professionals, he might also get ill. That really would be letting MIL down.

1. Both MIL and FIL have medical conditions that need daily care, not just things like the odd beans on toast. Bathing them. feeding them, toileting them are all specialist jobs that need training and equipment no one in the family has.

Aargh, typed a massive reply and lost it. Don't worry, no way is anyone giving up their work to care for him. There will be a mega crisis and then we will deal with it but everyone is on board with the tough love for now.