My mother passed on Saturday and this has created conflict with me and siblings

[Justarandomusername]

My mother was elderly had long term co PD none of my brothers helped I was left to care for her on my own. I had asked one who lived closest for help as I was struggling to be told to wind my neck in and stop playing victim another lied to her only last year about having cancer knowing that she was in final stage of her illness even with they're behaviour they were told when mum passed away and were told a couple of days later when the cremation was and invited. On Monday I told the one who claimed to have cancer that I had found it difficult as I had had the funeral company and minister visit to discuss mums cremation and arrangements that morning I was told so what she had a funeral plan its all paid for I was then reminded she had 5 other sons and I needent bother playing victim he then asks if he could help carry the coffin and I said no maybe it was vindictive on my part but I thought why should he he hadn't been there for her and lied about cancer but now wants to carry the coffin and play dotting son. He then asked if the cremation would be streamed online I said no he asked this as three of our brothers made excuses not to attend cremation and as they knew she had been I'll before dying and made no contact with her I wasn't going out of my way to help them. So this brother who claimed to have cancer then asks for the contact details for funeral director claiming 2 of the brothers who wouldn't be attending cremation wanted to send flowers I foolishly believed him gave him funeral companies details and it turned out he wanted the details so he could go behind my back and ask funeral company if he could carry mums coffin he then gets the ministers details from funeral company contacts minister and starts going on about how mum had six sons not just one and how they were all to be mentioned at service the minister had already been told by myself about her other sons I didn't once say anything negative about them.

Also on the Monday remembering this is only 2 days after my mother passed away the other brother who had refused to help and told me to wind my neck in and stop playing victim when I told him I was struggling says he now wants to help he wanted to come to our home this coming weekend claiming he wanted to make sure all the bills were up to date so I wouldn't get cut off with anything I said that's all fine I'm dealing with that I then get told that wed have to have a discussion regarding mothers estate it then hit me he wanted to come to our home go through paperwork on the pretence of making sure bills were OK when in reality he would be looking for bank statements to check what her finances were and to see if there was a will in the house I just think how can families act like this now I have anxiety about going to cremation as these two 'brothers' will be there and I don't want anymore drama

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Were you living with your mum? Did you give up work or make other financial sacrifices to help care for her? (I'm wondering if you have a claim as a dependent). Is there a will?

I was living with her I didn't have to give up work to look after her I was out of work when she was diagnosed with her illness so took on caring responsibilities there's a will the house has been left to me and in Scotland where I live all her children are entitled to an equal share of her moveable estate meaning money

Why is the ceremony not being streamed?

I'm sorry your Mam has gone Random COPD is brutal.

The older I get the more I realise how unbelievably selfish death makes families.
Funeral brings out the worst in some.

Poncho its not being streamed to cater for three of her sons who knew how I'll she was for the 14 months prior to her passing away and made no effort to contact her and are now refusing to attend her cremation one using the excuse that he has to work which is b s

I'm assuming there is a cost to streaming (which tends to be done to allow people who cant attend due to covid to watch). I certainly would not want the funeral of a close family member that I attended to be streamed. Funerals are hard enough as it is without people gawking at you.

Really sorry to hear this OP.

I think to make life easier I would just go along with letting them carry the coffin. You know you are the one who genuinely cared for her, and they do too. It’s just guilt of their part.

Have you seen a solicitor? Have I read it correctly that the will leaves everything to you but it will still have to be shared?

I'm sorry your mum has died.
Are any of your siblings supportive? You've got a lot to deal with, especially you've got people being difficult.
Death brings out the best and the worst in people, sounds like it's brought out the worst in your brothers.
Try not to be petty though, it doesn't hurt you to have the service streamed so why not? Is it very expensive?

Just re- read your post. So the house is yours but they’re after her savings when they had no contact for a long time?

It cost £30 for the streaming at my father’s funeral, we didn’t have it for mum’s three months later.
It’s a horrible time, I do feel for you OP.
I couldn’t believe how one of my siblings behaved when my parents were dying, utterly hideous behaviour.

I've already said I have 5 brothers who haven't there they were happy to sit back and let me get on with things I asked one for help I got told to wind my neck in stop playing victim the one one who wants to carry her coffin lied to her about having cancer last year when she was in and out of hospital every other week for three months with her illness then the other three were aware how I'll she was didn't contact her although they had 14 months to get in touch and I'm supposed to bend over backwards and let them have things on they're terms when they've never been there the world surely is a fucked up place when the family who haven't done shit are getting pity poor them

Stressed they're legally entitled to equal amount of money from Her estate which to me proves the laws an ass as they were never there for her my point was she had only been dead one full day and all one could think off was to come into our home and go through her paperwork to see what money she had and no doubt look for a copy of will

@Justarandomusername really sorry to hear that, I can understand why you’re upset. Do you have other extended family that are supporting you through this difficult time?

No unfortunately that's how our family are never been any help she had 7 siblings who knew how I'll she was one stayed just round corner never so much as a you have a few hrs to yourself I'll sit with her all she did was pressure me to try and put her in a home

One of her other siblings stayed a couple of hrs away claimed they regularly visited the town where we lived they would pop in to visit but never bothered even though I seen them in town s couple of months ago and all I got was how's your mum oh well your doing a great job and drove off even that day no visit

If there is a will they are only collectively entitled to half of the moveable estate, not all of it.

What does the will say about the rest of the money>

Make this topic was a mistake I'm off

What you need to do here is get things organised to have the minimum stress for you.

Number 1 get details of finances and the will and death certificate registered with the probate office. This means it’s done, out the way and in official hands so they can’t try and manipulate you in any way.

Number 2 let some things wash over you. I get why you don’t want him carrying the coffin but is it worth the stress to argue it. You are emotionally right in the middle of things, hurt about how they’ve treated you, you don’t have to like it, but don’t look back in it in 5 years time and still have this family rift thrown at you because you chose to argue it

So sorry for everything you’ve been dealing with 💐

In case anyone is concerned about a funeral being streamed, my Mum’s funeral was streamed last October and I have watched a friend’s funeral more recently, in both cases there was no sense of gawking or voyeurism. It was very unobtrusive and sensitively handled. No close ups, view very much as if attended in person and sat at the back of the chapel,.
In Mum’s case it meant that people in the USA who even ordinarily wouldn’t have been able to come we’re able to be there, I am sure Mum would’ve been tickled pink that her friends were able to watch. For our friend’s funeral, we are of the older generation and none of his friends felt safe enough to attend, though we felt we could still pay our respects.

Sorry for your loss. I lost my mum late last year and with 4 siblings we were never all going to agree on the arrangements so there needs to be compromise.

Your brothers asking to carry the coffin and for streaming are not unreasonable if there are no other barriers (covid restrictions/cost). Don't let you mums funeral arrangement descend into petty conflict, try to accommodate where possible just to make it easier and so you can concentrate on the important things. Make it clear to the funeral director who the next of kin is and they should only take directions from them to prevent mixed messages.

Sorry for your loss .

There is nothing like inheritance that can bring out family from the woodwork. And in their minds they have created a story of doing right for whatever reason they can think of.

You are hurting and even though anticipated, you are in some sort of shock after the bereavement. My best advice is trying to make things work out as smoothly as possible. Even though you are raging, it will be much quicker dealt with, if you don't fight the family all the way.
Contact the funeral company tell them you are their contact and decisions should be run by you. After the funeral stop engaging with family, hopefully you can leave dividing the estate to a solicitor. But don't engage, don't respond, don't let them wind you up. Breathe, grieve, what they have chosen to do (or not do) is up to them. It won't bring you peace of mind to give it any headspace.

So I'm being petty unreasonable and trivial anyways nice to know that sons can lie about cancer not be there for they're mother in when she has a terminal illness time yet get to call the shots just to let things run smoothly and the one that literally had to wipe his mothers backside comfort her when she knew her time was coming when she was crying and begging she didn't want die and be up 5 or 6 times a night seeing to her because she was forever getting out of bed thanks guys from now on I'll be doing the same as everyone else and look. After my own interests as doing the right thing gets you nowhere

I'm so sorry for your loss OP💐
your family have treated you terribly 🤬
please going forward distance yourself from them and focus on your own well-being, you deserve to be happy and free from any burdens

I know this is a terrible, terrible time and you are grieving and angry. Just stream the sevice, you don't need to see them or speak to them. I'm so sorry for your loss.

To all those insisting I stream the service I have a question the streaming is for three sons who had no contact with her even when they knew she was terminally I'll and are now refusing to attend her service why should I do this for them when they weren't there for they're mother that was they're choice