When is enough enough?

[Iliveinside]

Please give me some advice. If you can read through all this I thank you.

I had a troubled childhood and never had a good relationship with either parent.
I'm an only child, divorced many years ago and my eldest of three was the last to leave home for uni (long story) Sept 2014.

My father died, just after that Christmas.
It was out of the blue, and there was only me to sort everything out. I should add here that he was 88 and my mother 89.

My mother fell and broke her wrist around my age (66) after which my father did absolutely everything. His whole life revolved around making her happy, an impossible task because she never is.

Fast forward 2018 I have an emergency bi-lateral hip replacement. Got up - couldn't wwalk , and it's easier all round if I move in with her afterwards I'm there nearly all the time anyway, it's one less house to run and we could share the carers and cost.

I'm still here.

I've given up and stay in my room most of the time. I don't have the energy to fight back anymore.
I'm torn between feeling a duty of care and wondering if I'm making her pay for my childhood and if she'd be better off in a home.
I go through the motions I clean her and feed her and she has carers 3 times a day.

But the bottom line is I don't love her, I don't like being with her. She has controlled and manipulated me all my life and it took years and therapy to figure that out.

I like to think I'm better than that, but am I? Or am I being cruel?

So sorry for the war and peace and I don't know the acronyms but I'm living on a couple of hours sleep a night because she keeps getting out of bed and falling.

If you got this far thank you

What is it you want to do going forwards and what can you afford to do? I take it your house has been sold? It won't be easy living with someone so old and not running your life to suit yourself. Are you fit physically at the moment? If you can afford it perhaps you should be looking for somewhere to move to and then just move out giving social services notice. Or stay where you are until your mum dies (sorry) and you inherit her house if she owns it. It's only you that knows how bad it all is. What do your kids think? What can be afforded will be a big factor. If your mum rents are you down as officially staying there to continue the tenancy? Either way you need to start thinking what you want and go for that.

You shouldn't have to provide care for an abusive parent, I would put her in a home or basically do whatever makes my life easiest. (I would like to recommend the stately home thread)

If it's any consolation you're not alone. I don't love my mother either, don't particularly like her at all, and don't enjoy being in her company. She was abusive. I really really tried my best to love her but there's nothing there. I'm nearing 60 now and haven't seen her for some years having finally thrown the towel in.

You don't have to look after her. It's not your fault.

Thank you so so much for taking the time to read and reply.

doodleZ1

A few more details
No I'm not fit and my kids think I'm nuts.
I still have my (rented) house I could move back into although I'd be far better off giving it up.
She owns her house with a small mortgage which wouldn't be counted if she went into care if I was officially living here.

But this is not about the money.
This is my absolute need not to be like her. Brings me to

Miasicarisatia

She has always been all about the money. She's a nasty woman who has spent her life never doing anything for anybody, she has no compassion, no charity and can't understand why I will help people with no ulterior motive. Someone else who thinks I'm nuts.

Have you thought what you want to do? Do you want to go back to your house and limit your dealings with your mother? Get your own space back. What would make you happy? You said your kids thought you were nuts what do they think you should do? I couldn't live with my mother I wouldnt last a week. No exaggeration I would have to go out a lot. When my brother visits from the other side of the country he tends to go out a lot. It's very hard work. She can't hear what I say, though if I say something she doesn't like she tends to hear that, oddly enough. She drives me nuts and moans constantly and repeats herself constantly. I can do one hour and thats my limit. I'm just talked at all the time, she doesnt draw breath. What do you want, if you are unhappy you need to sort it. It's not wrong to want to be happy and you've done a lot already.

Can you not use the excuse that your house can't be left unoccupied any longer as it's against the rules for house insurance to be unoccupied so long. Then gently withdraw a bit and get more of your life back. Nothing personal in it just the rules.

Sorry tapped the wrong thing and my friend rang
Yes I've looked at Stately Homes and moved on to Out of the Fog. Quite an education and comforting to not feel so alone.
Trouble is I'm terrified I might be just the same as her without knowing it.

Good news is we had a new social worker today who was fantastic
If she comes through then I'll cope
Thank you again it's such a relief just to let it out

doodleZ1
OK she's in bed and so am I your answer made me laugh.

I have a bit of a plan
I will carry on until Sept when I'll be 66 and officially retired she will then be going into a nursing home and I intend to bugger off to Bali.

Never been there but what the hell. Done a lot of research and I can afford to live well out there on my State Pension
And it's warm :)

I'm sorry (again) but I don't know how to attribute quotes and I'd like to thank all of you who replied.
Was at my lowest when I originally posted mainly due to lack of sleep.
Really good news:-
The new social worker on Monday was fantastic and has arranged sitters, respite and stopping the help line phoning me.
Bad news:-
10pm Wednesday she was taken to A&E and then admitted

Now of course I feel guilty as hell but not so alone

It's not your fault, you have to put your well-being first

Thank you
It means so much there are other people out there who understand
The silence is wierd and made me realise just how "on call" I am but it's also a breathing space to take stock.
She's far more lucid although nothing seems to have been done.
Will they discharge her home if she still can't walk? Or will they only send her to a nursing home for her own safety? Obviously they won't want her to stay there if there's nothing they can do

I'm not familiar with hospital procedures (hopefully someone else will be able to give some insights?) but I'm glad that you're having some space to breathe!
It has taken me decades to understand my family of origin, it was only by accident I realised that so much was hidden
Hidden in plain sight really, all the dots were there I just didn't know to join them!