Restbite and care for elderly mother

[Justarandomusername]

I have a mother whose 74 in last stage of copd over the last year her mental health has went downhil! With deoression and anxietty then she started getting confused i found it difficuiltto cope with her at home i was mentally and emotionally exhausted and managed to get her into restbite for 2 weeks for a break but cant understand the care homes attitude as the very first day she went into them i got a phone call saying she was agitaed and confused asking if she had dimentia i was then asked why i put her in for restbite and i said i was struggling with her at home i needed a break to which i got the response was 'couldnt somebody else have looked after her' i never responded but if thats theyre attitude whats the point of restbite i then phoned care home today to see how mum was i was told she was refusing to est or drink and she wanted home i got the impression they were hinting they wanted to send her home i gnored hint as i was assured when mum was refered to them they were the best care home in area nothing too much trouble capable of looking after people with differrent but only 2 hours sfter she goes in theres an attitude from staff because shes confused and agitated then a week later i get the impression they want to send her home as shes not eating or drinking as selfish as it sounds if a group of trained and experienced staff arent able to deal with her why have i been left to get on with for so long on my own

It's respite @Justarandomusername.

It seems very strange behaviour from the home that you got a phone call on the very first day of her being a resident there. Did you prepare your mum for this stay? Tell her that she was going to be staying somewhere different for a short break and the staff would be looking after her and you wouldn't be??

She has to be able to eat and drink and the staff have to be able to look after her. Have you spoken with the manager of the home to get a care plan put in place for her?

Who is funding her respite care? Is it possible that the home genuinely thought she was suffering from dementia, hence their call to you? It's a fairly legitimate query and if the home does not care for dementia patients (not all do) then they may have been concerned about their ability to keep her safe. It's sad but true that some families place relatives in care homes which are not suitable and minimise their care needs in order to get them in there.

If you say your mum is anxious and confused, it's quite possible that she is not happy in the home and doesn't understand what is going on so she may be presenting differently with staff there than at home, hence not eating and drinking. Do you think she understands where she is and that it is for a limited period? Having said that, if you are exhausted and need her to be there, then surely they must have strategies which they can use to keep her happier? I would make it clear that if you don't have this break there are going to be longer-term consequences and that you expect them to live up to their reputation for care. Looking at the longer term, is anybody providing any ideas to you or support for what will happen when she returns home?

Have you been in contact with her Social Worker? If she hasn't had one already she needs a Care Assessment. You should also ask for a Carers Assessment - the SW can put tings into place to help you as a Carer too. Mums' SW was great at finding a suitable respite home - even though she was self funding. Look after yourself.

Look of course I told her all this what u take me for they had questions they wanted to ask me like allergies anything they should be wary of with her etc then they asked out of the blue if she had dimentia As she was confused and agitated she's like that at home that's why I needed a break and I will speak to mums case worker on Monday she's in holiday this week I'll tell her the home suspect she has dimentia I'd like tests done and unless I get the support I need to deal with her then they'll have to get on with it because I can't continue with her being back home if she's going to continue to be like that and neither of us are getting support we need

if she does have dementia, then she won't be able to remember what you told her yesterday and that could be why she is confused & won't eat.

you & the care home definitely need to get a dementia assessment and then work on a long term care plan that will work for your mum & you

Unfort social work are paying for rest bite she's confused and sggitated at home too when the home asked about dimentia I looked it up on NHS own website three of the classic symptoms are hallucinating as she sees people that aren't there being confused and being agitated I've told her own go this is how she's been since January but they haven't followed up on it just said it was either her COPD or meds her confusion is getting worse as when she's at home for example she doesn't believe she's home and demands to go home even though we've lived here for 20 years then she will call on my dad who passed away in December she's also been asking to speak to relatives she's had no contact with for decades and gets me mixed up with my brother

Pane that's the thing though her go was told as far back as January how she was behaving but wasn't assessed just put down to her COPD or meds but they didn't bother to investigate

Sunday her social worker is on holiday this week returns to work on Monday so going to give her a call then see what happens

I feel for you.
I think my mum is showing signs of dementia but it's like banging my head against a brick wall. No follow up, no diagnosis, no help.
I'm up every 3 hours because she wants the loo, doesn't go but can't manage on her own without falling over. She doesn't know where she is half the time and won't eat or drink either. But she's at home so it's no better for her and I'm on my knees.
Ignore them, try and get some rest - you're going to need it. Good luck

Is it a home that takes dementia patients ? Not all do.
Maybe she’s harder work than they were expecting.

Liver where are u I feel some of the so called professionals ignore people in our situation as they know we will get on with it Diana they were told she got confused before they took her in but I don't think they were aware how bad she was until she arrived they told me when I advised them about mum being confused that they dealt with people like that all the time but after they said to me about her having dimentia there was an attitude about why she was referred to them for restbite and couldn't somebody else look after her to give me a break I just well what's the point of providing a restbite service if your going to make people feel guilty for using it