So sad about elderly DM

[Dogatetheleftovers]

I have an elderly DM who lives alone and is disabled. Currently she has no outside care and tries to muddle along herself with me organising shopping, taking her to doctors etc. But I can she is getting more frail and, it pains me to say it, slightly confused too. She doesn’t see anyone really, all her family live away and my DB can’t be bothered as too “busy”.
My DCs are disabled and we’ve spent the past year shielding and not seeing anyone including DM. But I’m so sad that this precious time has passed, we’re all older and I feel as though I can’t get that time back with her. My DCs care needs are constant and I find it near impossible to spend time with my DM apart from phoning several times each day. She told me today that she wished she could be here for me always but she knows she can’t and it was truly heartbreaking to hear. We lost my DF several years ago and miss him so much, life’s harder without him. I’m so torn, I have to be here for my kids but I also want to spend time with my DM and I can’t. So I’m left contemplating even more time lost and her becoming more lonely, frail, depressed and vulnerable. I don’t want an elderly mum, I want her to be the bright, caring, loving person who could and would do anything. Hearing her admit that she knows time is passing and that one day she won’t be here for me is devastating. 😭

I feel a bit like this about my DM too, OP. I suppose all I can do is try and make the most of the next few years, and hope that there are a few. I did a lot of grieving in August last year, it was nearly like she had died already. My DB lives with her and he's quite a difficult person so even pre covid it's quite hard to see her and talk to her as much as I would like, but we haven't seen her at all this past year except for 2 hours and my DS has from a child to a teenager in that time, so I'm so sorry she missed the last year of him being 'small'.

Apileofballyhoo I’m sorry to hear you’re having similar difficulties. It’s so hard isn’t it? 💐

For me tbh I would now ignore Covid and have her at mine as much as possible. The risks are low and her mental deterioration and loneliness are going to get worse much faster if she’s on her own all the time. You won’t get this time again and when she’s gone it’s too late to regret it. Unless your DC are at super high risk of complications and you are extremely unlucky I just don’t see how leaving her can be better for anyone.

I read a lot about Stoicism during lockdown. I found their approach to death absolutely fascinating. It can be summed up as: everyone dies, get comfortable with that truth and make the most of them while they are here. There is no point in railing against what it inevitable, that energy can be used to live a better life right now, while they are still here.

It brought me a lot of comfort. We live far away from my parents and haven’t seen them for nearly 18 months now. Same for DH: MIL went from home to hospital to nursing home care over that period, and he couldn’t be with her, and, honestly, she’s so frail - we were just waiting to hear that she’d caught COVID somewhere and died.

Your feelings are totally valid. For me, feeling similar and imagining the worse happening to my parents “back home” was hard. But people die, they / we all do no matter how much we love them. There’s something to be said about getting more comfortable with that idea and exploring how it might feel, imagining that the worst has already happened.

I'm sorry OP it's very hard watching parents become frail and especially when you have the responsibilities you do. You what is sometimes known as a 'sandwich' carer which is a difficult place to be. Would she accept an assessment for any support in the house or is she not at that stage yet? Or can you get some help with dc to spend a bit of time with her. You may well have explored all of this already but if not if may be worth asking for assessment from SS.

@Okbutnotgreat

For me tbh I would now ignore Covid and have her at mine as much as possible. The risks are low and her mental deterioration and loneliness are going to get worse much faster if she’s on her own all the time. You won’t get this time again and when she’s gone it’s too late to regret it. Unless your DC are at super high risk of complications and you are extremely unlucky I just don’t see how leaving her can be better for anyone.

This!

For goodness sake just see her whenever you want to including hugs. She will not be around forever and I don't want you to look back on this time of compliance with the rules with regret. I speak as a recent widow- who shielded her wife with fervour. Hindsight is very cruel.

My nephew and his partner are both paramedics and have frontline experience of life and death in the time of covid. They have both seen their families throughout, saying no law or government dictate would stop them as life is short and precious. They test regularly and self isolate when needed. They've both had the virus.

The problem is I can’t be in two places at once, seeing my mum and caring for my DCs. The care and support they need is too complex for other people to provide on an ad hoc basis and when DM comes to my home, it stresses her and my DCs out as they struggle with each other’s needs. Besom you’re right, it is like being in a sandwich. Such an accurate term. I’m literally caught between the two and don’t want to let anyone down. But I’m going to try to find an hour to visit each week as it’s the least I can do for DM.

How far away is your home from hers, OP?

Op I'm sorry.
My parents have just seen my kids for the first time in nearly a year and I too am so conscious of time having passed.
We've decided to abandon the rules among ourselves but follow them elsewhere. Life is short and precious. I can't believe we've missed all this time.
I hope you can find a way to see your mum as much as possible. I don't have any practical suggestions you haven't already though of, I'm sorry.