How do you achieve balance?

[Mothermisery]

Just wondering how people view their responsibilities towards caring for parents in balance with their own lives and families? Particularly people with children.

I'm in a position where caring for a disabled and only just elderly parent has to come first before pretty much everything else. This could be for a very long time to come. I can't look towards getting the type of job I'd like, we couldn't take holidays or long days away. Is this it? We have young children. If we manage to get carers involved I'll still be the one with overall responsibility and picking up the things that they don't do in their brief visits. Have been there before. It feels bleak having no autonomy over our life or the freedom to make choices to put myself/my family first.

How do others view this? It's very much put forward to me that this is what happens: our parents bring us up then we look after them in their time of need.

I decided that my son (who was tiny when my parents first needed help) had to come first, then my relationship and my work. My parents wish to have me do things, rather than cleaners/carers/handyman/gardener/hospital transport etc etc had to come after all that in order for it to be a long term workable solution - and it was 15 years.
Of course I cared about my parents. But I wasn't going to sacrifice my life when by having strong boundaries I could keep them at home and safe while not having to do it all myself.
If they won't be self funding, take all the help social services will offer and only say you can do what will be do able in the very long term without your kids missing out. You only have to read the stories on here about the toll it can take on women who are guilted into doing more than one person ever can

@CMOTDibbler thank you for your reply. I'm already too far along the road of having taken on too much and need to withdraw if I'm to salvage any independence. It really helps hearing other people's views when I've been brought up to believe this is all my responsibility...from health to happiness and everything in between. It's a totally toxic relationship that I'm still gradually waking up to.

What age is the person you will be caring for? If you have young children I don't see that you can be there all the time it wouldnt work, while still being fair to them. Is it just you that is available? Perhaps seeing yourself as a facilitator and organiser and limiting your visits to what you are happy with and can do without resentment. Resentment will come otherwise. This job is full time and you can't do it on your own it needs outside agencies. Will they refuse outside help do you think?

Early 70's but poor health. Needs full care/resistant to outsiders plus self-funding. Moving in with us is the preferred option. I feel bad for not wanting this.

@doodleZ1 resentment is definitely held on their part that I'm finding this difficult and not just throwing myself gladly into the role! This is expressed openly. That it's what I should be doing if I was half decent.

It's really hard! But you need to work out boundaries and also work out critical needs for care vs a desire for dependency (where actually they could do it themselves) I've experienced both.

I would if you haven't already get a full social services assessment, ask them for their expert recommendations for the kind of support they need and options available at what cost. Self funding obviously means less inheritance but I would suggest that it is better they spend the money on care than restrict your life!

Is there an option for warden controlled/extra care accommodation not too far from you? A compromise from living with you? If their needs are great then look into nhs continuing care which isn't means tested.

I would prefer resentment on their part to my life being taken over when I moved them in, as well as the lives of my kids. You would be their carer, have no life no holidays no breaks and their health just gets worse not better. You know it's all talk. they can't MAKE you do anything. It's very selfish for them to do that to you. Did this person do that ie look after an elderly relative? Look at it another way would you think it was right to move in with one of your kids? I would rather die for that to happen to me and both my boys deserve a life not to be dragged down by me, that's not good parenting. Read all the threads on here it would frighten the life out of you and the advice given was don't do it don't take them in to live with you. Blame the kids blame your partner or just say no it wouldn't work but this is what I will do. Put it on repeat. They are being selfish taking your youth from you. Try and put up a mental forcefield and keep repeating you will organise help but have kids so they will have to get outside help. If there's a lot of moaning say you will have to go. Don't listen to it too long just leave. Best wishes

@doodleZ1 I need to read your messages over and over. I need that validation that it's not right for me or my kids. Just that little voice deep in my mind that keeps saying I'm being uncaring and that I'm all that they've got...

@minniemomo I haven't heard of continuing care but a brief google seems to suggest it's only for healthcare/nursing rather than general care

CMOT and Doodle have put it very well.
You clearly shouldn't head down the path you are currently on and I guarantee everyone on this board will support you taking a different route
My piece of advice is switch from the back foot to the front foot ASAP.
Don't let her be the one barking instructions and getting you to work around her situation forcing you into too many family compromises and curtailing your career aspirations. Instead, take many steps back and become the person you want to be. Anticipate her needs and wants and have replies already worked out in your head for why you can't when she asks

Completely agree with @doodleZ1.

Try to be strong OP, and gradually walk away bit by bit.
They will resist and argue - try to use this to your advantage - “don’t want to stay and argue, I’ll leave now and talk [at future time] when we’ve clearer heads.” Easier said than done but try.

And of course, Minnie.

Another thing if they say it's very selfish of you say "I'm sorry you feel like that" but don't engage as they will pick holes in whatever you say by way of explanation

Sadly many people expect their families to do everything when there are many options of help available,l speak from experience more than willing to help including living in at points but ultimately family or even live in caregivers can no longer cope and they need to go into various care type facilities who can manage.

Thank you all so much. I can't tell you how much it helps me to read these responses.

parents bring us up then we look after them in their time of need
Well they would say that wouldn't they!
I say parents bring us up and we pay that forward when we bring up orange children we cannot pay it back and pay it forward
Your parents would have had a good decade or so to prepare for their own later years why have they not moved into to suitable accommodation etc?
Probably because that would require too much thinking and planning and it's much easier to spend the time working on you to make you feel guilty and beholden to them!
Caring for a baby that you've chosen to have and over which you have complete control is nothing like caring for an elderly adult over whose life you have had no control, their health problems and issues will have been mostly caused by their own choices, why should you have to pick up the pieces?

Orange children = our own children

I'm all they've got
And whose fault is that? Surely they are responsible for building their own social network? But once again that would take time and effort and theyd have to be polite and reasonable to people, much easier to just put pressure on you and make you feel guilty!

@doodleZ1

Another thing if they say it's very selfish of you say "I'm sorry you feel like that" but don't engage as they will pick holes in whatever you say by way of explanation

Or better still agree with them and say, yes one's first duty is always to oneself

OP it is so, so important that you put boundaries in place sooner rather than later, and no sensible person with an ounce of compassion would blame you for doing so.

I've been caring for my parents since last April when my dad was declared 'end of life'. He is still going and went into a nursing home last month. I was initially juggling a job and a teenager but am currently on unpaid sabbatical as it was the only way I could cope with their emotional and physical demands.

Now dad is being cared for, I'm trying to gently disentangle myself from mum before I return to work.

Do you have any siblings or other family to share the load? Otherwise social services and local practice nurse would be a good place to start. Also Carers UK.

It is incredibly difficult when they are mentally with it enough to manipulate you whilst be extraordinarily stubborn themselves, so much better to (re) start as you mean to go on.

Just to add to the support you have already have, you have to seize the time you have now for yourself and your children. You can't put your hopes and aspirations on hold - children are only children for such a short time, and who knows what the future holds for you and your own health? I have had a few years of having my free time taken up with caring responsibilities for an elderly relative, as well as my (lovely) DM's terminal illness, and wanting to spend time with her. It was made bearable by thinking there would be plenty of time later for the things I wanted to do. And then - global pandemic, two years of opportunities lost, and now my DH is seriously ill and some of those future plans for travel and adventure won't be able to happen anymore. I don't regret the time I spent with my mum but I do, a little, regret all the time I spent supporting my other relative to stay in her home. Don't let your own life pass you by.

Of course you have a choice. You may not be strong enough to make it but you absolutely have one. That's why there's millions of elderly people in care homes or living with paid carers supporting them. As they should. It's what we 'scrimp and save ' for all our lives isn't it??!

Your parent is the uncaring one, expecting you to put them first and neglect your own life. Indefinitely. Don't repeat the cycle. Be a better parent to your own DC and put them and yourself first.

You've the best of your life left to live. Others have had the best of theirs and are responsible for themselves.

I would find a reason to move away from the area.
They have no way of enforcing their wishes upon you, that's why they're so insistent ....they know their only chance is if they can can manipulate you into being at their beck and call, remember you have no legal duty towards them

Op, please read all the replies and take on board the hard won wisdom on board.
So many names on here have been on this elderly board for many years.
We know this stuff. Please learn from our mistakes.
Carers uk, age uk or appropriate disability charity can offer support.
Also look up FOG- fear, obligation and guilt.
What really matters is creating, maintaining and defending your boundaries- get really clear about what they are. With help from a counsellor if neccesary.
What can only you do.

I can see that these are indeed wise words. Putting them into practice in my own life is a different matter. I've read quite a bit about FOG but I have little faith in my own strength and ability to create boundaries for myself. Hence my current position. The road ahead seems pretty bleak as it's been a long, long time in the making. It's been ingrained in my personality throughout my life that it's my duty to care for elderly family members. That it's the right thing to do. Now I'm the only family left and I've never been encouraged to have any independence really. I think I feel like I need permission to make decisions to the advantage of myself (and my own family) yet I know that that makes no sense whatsoever as I'll never get it!

I need permission to make decisions to the advantage of myself
Mother, I hereby give you permission to make decisions which are to your advantage.
You only get one life, it's yours, now grab it by the throat and run