Parents planning on moving area

[Brogues]

It’s not an immediate issue but it is something they have brought up a few times and I’m not sure how to handle the conversation, whether they are just testing out ideas or have a definite plan. Some details changed for privacy.

They’re currently early-mid 70s and both have some health problems which are likely to mean mobility issues in the near future.

Currently they live 1hr away from us and 3.5hrs away from DSIS in mine and DSIS home town. Neither of us are likely to ever return there to settle. Parents are thinking of ‘making everyone’s life easier’ and moving 3.5hrs from us and 1.5hrs from DSIS to an area none of us have any connection with. I’ve pointed out it’s really no different to the current situation just swapped around but apparently it’s simply more fair.

They like their home town and frequently tell us how fantastic it is. They know everyone and what’s going on, plenty of old work and childhood friends and distant relatives nearby. They will end up being marooned here and reliant on me and DSIS visiting them where they currently take turns with visiting us barring covid issues.

They could afford to move to our town but not DSIS town. I may have/want to move in the future for jobs or my own retirement and speaking personally (and perhaps selfishly) I would feel a greater burden to entertain them by providing a full social life to replace the one they are moving from plus a much longer journey from DSIS would mean she couldn’t visit as often.

What are people’s thoughts on plans;
a) for them to move to the new area
b) stick where they are (which we know will be increasingly more difficult as time goes on)
c) moving to us?

Has anyone navigated a similar issue?

Can you ask them next time what they mean by making everyone's life easier? I suppose it could be for visiting you. 3.5 hours from you is still far and as you say knowing no one. Maybe you could say you will be moving when you retire so it might be better waiting to see where you and your sister end up as you dont want to stay where you are either when no longer controlled by work. You can't guarantee you won't want to move to wherever your kids are? Whatever fits but the making everyone's life easier comment would worry me. Make it clear you have your own plans for retirement when it comes.

We won’t definitely move but we want the option to without abandoning them. Our retirement is still a way off but job moves could be whenever so they’d just take the chance I think. Maybe it’s the possible lack of choice in the future that I’m more worried about hmmm. They still believe in jobs for life.

For you, selfishly, I'd support the move nearer your dsis.

Have you asked them what their motivation is for moving, and told them that it's about where THEY want to live, rather than where you and your sis are located?

Your locations might change, and they need to take that into account.

Moving is always a big change, so they need to be sure that they will be happy with their choice of new home and location. To make those decisions based on where they think you and your sister will be is foolhardy.

If they’re planning to move so far away from you, it’s irrelevant whether you subsequently move yourselves, isn’t it?

I’m not really understanding this. I can’t imagine why they think this suggested move is “easier” for anyone.

Perhaps they just want to move to that specific place but are worried you’ll be offended that they’re moving so far away from you, so aren’t being entirely honest.

It was more if they moved to us rather than farther away. From DSIS side of things it would tie them down more so I am thinking about both sides.

No they’ve only ever visited there by passing through so it holds no special memories or anything. It’s not a holiday or retirement destination. It may be they do want to be closer to DSIS who has slightly younger kids which given they’ve been closer to us for a while that would make it fair I suppose. I hadn’t thought of that.

When I’ve asked how it’s easier they just do the well we are the parents so we know best face and it’s hard to say much in case it sounds like sour grapes on our part. I don’t want to push it because I’m not sure what the best course of action is for them rather than us.

This is my view based on personal experience.

The ideal from a caring perspective is if they are within 15 minutes drive. One hour away is shit. You are close enough to be expected to be the emergency responder but far enough away to make that onerous once it starts happening frequently (in the middle of the night, while you’re at work, when you’ve just got home from work in the evening etc).

If you or your sister think you may move in the future, it would be disastrous if your parents moved just to be near you. You must make it very clear to your parents before they move that this is a possibility.

I really do think that you need to try and uncover your parents’ motivation for the location they have selected because it isn’t making sense. Perhaps they’ll be more honest with your sister. Perhaps they want to be nearer to the younger grandchildren but don’t want to impose on your sister. Or are well aware that neither of you want them too close.

Beyond pointing out to them that both you and your sister might move in future, leaving them further away from both of you, I'm not sure there is much you can do. It sounds like they have already decided that that is what they want to do.
Their reasoning sounds a bit wonky, but I would suspect there is some other factor that they haven't told you about. My parents have always been like this - concocting complicated and spurious reasons for doing things, rather than telling the truth (which is invariably perfectly reasonable). It drives me nuts!

I’d echo what hedda said. I’m not sure what the ideal is for distance but I’m 40min to an hour and I’ve spent my child’s entire childhood, well actually since I was 5
months pregnant, being first responder. It’s a worry, a responsibility and the fact I’ve done or need to allow a two hour travel window for anything gets forgotten by my parent and sibling who class me as ‘local’. They also seem to think I can solve all house and domestic issues with trades people and of course I can’t (any more than sibling can ) an hour generally puts you out of distance for how far plumbers etc are prepared to travel. I’ve also done nights awake until the early hours while ambulance crew make assessments and I have to make a call whether to drive over or not. This may sound shallow too but there have been years of not daring to have a drink in case I get an emergency phone call.

Everyone has different life experiences however it always seems to me that other parents are sensible/reasonable/amenable to a rational conversation. Mine were/are not. All you can do is say your piece, preferably aligned with your sibling, and hope they make a good decision. Don’t berate yourself about things you can’t control.

Thanks for the input everyone.

Did you decide how to tackle it?