Retirement flat or...

[Mrsladybirdface]

My grandmother is 95 and not in a good way health wise but still has some mental capacity (but that is fading) is currently living alone in a dilapidated house which has been sold.
We need to make a choice on where she goes. SS have recommended a retirement flat which has the option of personal care at a later date or an abbeyfield property.
I have taken her to see the retirement flat (which was amazing! ) but she was completely negative about and refuses to consider it. I'm taking her to see the abbeyfield one this week, which she will also hate as she doesn't want to go into an "old people's home".
She has unfortunately over the years alienated nearly all her children as she isn't very easy to get on with.
I'm completely new to all this but I cannot due to full time work and children help that much, other than take her shopping once a week. She isn't safe in her current home.

Are there any other options for her that haven't been considered. There are no near family to look after her and she couldn't have live in help as her house isn't in good condition.

Sorry if I havent given enough information but just keeping me up at night!

Would she accept carers visiting? They can come up to four times a day. She would have to fund this herself if she has more than c£30000 in assets/savings. She could use an agency. This would at least give you some assurance that her basic needs were being met - though you have to be lucky with the individual carers to get much more than that. Private carers can be better as they usually have more time and you can interview them personally. But they are not regulated so there are downsides as well.

DF - also in his 90s - was adamantly opposed to moving into residential care. He started off with visiting carers but they were not really enough. We discussed his needs with a couple of care homes and one offered a day care service. He was collected by a carer in a taxi, taken in for the day and returned home in the evening Monday to Friday. After a month he decided he really enjoyed the company and security of the home and moved in full time. He has not looked back and we were so glad he was there during the height of the covid crisis as he would have been so isolated at home on his own.

This arrangement would not be possible at the moment but if things return to normal post Covid it could be worth a try.

I know a little of what you're going through and just wanted you to know you're not alone! A few random thoughts ...

Absolutely right to chose somewhere that will accommodate her as she becomes more frail and needs more assistance. Another move further down the line would be difficult for all concerned.

I found that talking about how the new living arrangements would mean no more concerns about upkeep to her property, no more council tax, fuel or water bills was quite positively received.

She may try to manipulate you into taking her into your home - an old person in tears is a pitiful sight - but don't offer to do more than you can bear.

If she's horrified by the cost of the arrangements, remind her that the value of her house increased significantly over the years.

The Abbeyfield properties I've seen were quite jolly places, with lovely staff, but the buildings weren't particularly spacious. A friend recommended MHA (Methodist Homes - you don't need to be a Methodist, or even a Christian), and I was quite impressed by what I saw on their website.

Wishing you strength and success in finding somewhere that will suit her.

I think you'll have to be firm with her, or just somehow jolly her along and don't give her a choice?

I've been where you are now - your best action is to give her two choices and tell her that since her house has been sold, she has to decide which place to live in . Don't let her manipulate you with temper or tears - she needs to make a decision or you'll make it for her. You know she'll be much better off , so don't feel bad about doing this. Good luck !

The retirement flat - from experience, check the ground rent/service charge costs and resale value (if buying, otherwise ignore me).

The above aside, mil was in one, and although initially reluctant - she did enjoy every moment as there was always something happening and people to talk to, yet she still had her own place and front door.

Difficult. My mum now lives in assisted living accommodation, following the death of my dad 3 years ago.

It was very difficult to persuade her... Mentally she's 100% with it, but physically she needs some help following a couple of strokes and anxiety.

We tried carers in her home, she complained all the time about them and never let them help her anyway.

In the end we said for her to try the assisted living place, just for a month or so. She reluctantly "agreed" and has been there for 2.5 years now.

She now has lots of friends there, no-one there has had covid, due to stringent measures. She's pretty happy. Likes to complain about the meals, but that's mum.

I'm lucky because there's 5 of us siblings and we all knew it had to be done. There was no other option if we wanted mum to be safe.

We put her safety above her happiness... Which might sound bad... But it was an instinctive process, which is maybe the natural decision.

Her own house has steep stairs and she always refused to leave the front door closed during the day, let alone locked... She really wasn't safe.

So, I would consider the option where care is there if it is needed and rest assured that, if your mums anything like mine, nowhere will be the right place.... because "its not my home"....

Wow thanks everyone for such quick responses, and you have all confirmed the planned action. I'm hoping the visit to see the Abbeyfield will help push her towards the residential flat.
She is the boss of manipulation and lies, its all very tricky, I'm quite good at switching off when she starts so she doesn't do it too much with me.
She very much thinks one of her daughters will come and look after her but that will not happen.
In terms of costs and if it does spend all the money, I'd rather it was spent on her having a few years in comfort.

Will look at the methodist place too