Elderly parents 300 miles away

[sydenhamhiller]

Hi, thanks so much to all the recent support I received in this corner of Mumsnet, I am so grateful.

About a month ago my mum’s 2 week old diagnosis of myeloma (and about 8-10 years) changed to an additional diagnosis of plasma cell leukaemia and a year at the most.

They live 300 km away, and have been in one the strictest lockdown areas in the U.K, so we hadn’t seen them for months. I went up at Easter, and she was really unwell; I managed to get her on the local hospice’s books, organised getting a stair lift in, a cleaner, a respite carer for my dad, various other bits and bobs. By the time I left at the end of the hols, she was much brighter, pain much better managed - out of bed, going for drives, talking to friends on the phone.

But I am a F/T primary teacher and I have had to come back down to my husband and 3 kids as term starts again on Monday.

The petty thing eating me up at the moment: I am struggling with how often to go up to see them. The district nurse said ‘ooh, ask if work will let you go early and you can pop up every weekend’. I have a lovely Headteacher but I don’t know how he’s going to feel about me ‘leaving early’ every Friday, and ‘popping up’ on the train involves an hour across London, 2 hours to Manchester and an hour to their small town.

I just don’t know what to do. Term time was already intense (it’s my NQT year), I don’t know how I can go up north and back every weekend. Every other weekend? Every 3rd weekend? Go up Friday and come back Saturday night, so I see my kids? If it was a month, I could just stay up there - but I can’t stay up there for a year...

I just don’t know what to do? Mum and dad were expats all their life, and used to see their family once a year; my brother and his family live in Dubai.

My dad is very understanding; my mum did not work after having kids, and I think doesn’t understand that I can’t move in 24/7. I feel so guilty and trapped in a hamster wheel of not knowing what to do.

Has anyone else had a similar experience? What did you do?

OP you can't possibly spend 8 hours traveling every weekend to be with your parents.
You have full time work and having every single Friday afternoon off sounds unfeasible.
You also have 3 dc and a DH. All of whom need some of your time.
That is before you consider what you need not to burn out.

I would think that once a month is a sensible option that you could talk to your employers about. It would also be a reasonable option for your dc and DH.

Do you have some kind of FaceTime set up? You could use that the rest of the time. It isn't perfect but ending up being burned out won't help anyone including your mum.

Could your parents consider moving closer to you?

It’s obviously not the best time for them to consider this but you are working, with a young family, it will be too hard on you to provide that care - especially in your Nqt year! Could they consider a solution that wouldn’t leave you exhausted?

Wow, that District Nurse was way out of order. Sounds like you achieved a lot over Easter to help make their situation more comfortable and that is the best thing you can do for them.
If you can manage once a month, that’s great, but honestly your loving parents would not expect you to neglect your children / partner or make yourself ill.
FaceTime or Skype is a good option for intervening periods, and definitely talk to your headteacher about the situation, so if things taken a turn for the worse you can take off.
But look after yourself too.

For now, would it work to go back in the holidays? You have half term in 6 weeks, then another 6 weeks and it’s summer where you get a long stretch even accounting for time with your nuclear family and time to prep for next year.

My personal experience is that I have found district nurses hugely supportive however I recognise the scenario of medical staff assuming that you are available, ready, willing and able. It’s galling (I mean what are you meant to do? Desert your pupils then leave your own kids home alone??) and makes you feel crap.

A couple of things - you never know how fast or slow things will go. No one has a crystal ball so don’t beat yourself up about needing to take every opportunity now ‘just in case’. Try to think about what is sustainable for you. A second thing, lots can be done online. Also, you don’t say how able your dad is - assuming he has mental and physical capacity, he is the main support.

Finally, I’m so sorry you have this diagnosis. I went through this with my father and I know how stressful it is. Of course no one expects an exact timeline but it is so hard not knowing when to prioritise being there, I do sympathise.

You need to focus on your NQT year (I am a teacher), and making sure you get through that successfully - if you don't, as you know it will be a whole heap of trouble, so I would suggest you don't ask to finish your Fridays early.
Your mum has your dad there. As long as things are still going relatively smoothly, maybe aim for going every three weeks?
You could then travel down on a Friday night, stay on the Saturday and return Sunday morning.
As long as your DH is on board with this, it might work.
However (and of course), if there is a change with your DM, then do ask.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I went to mine for about 4/5 days month for the last eighteen months of his life. However my D.C. are adults living at home, and I worked part time.

What childcare arrangements do you have? You need to put your head together with your husband and thrash out something sustainable. It's possible your head could arrange for you to have a Friday off each month, for example, but you still need care for your DC's in the holiday.

I'll tell you this- it's a marathon, not a sprint. After you lose your mum () your dad will need support. You really need to work out something you can live with now, and make sure you take care of yourself. It's going to be stressful.

There will be some things you can do without being there. Talk to your dad about that. Maybe they will need help from a cleaner, or meals delivered. Perhaps there are online jobs you can do, to save them stress. You could organise a rota among their friends to visit and sit with your mum and take your dad out for a pint/walk (Covid permitting).

Not everything needs to be in person.

If an nqt, you get 10% ppa and 10% nqt time. Maybe negotiate that you perhaps take the Friday afternoon as ppa and go to your mum or Monday morning to return if suits your school more.

To be honest, I would go every two weeks, ask if you can have Fridays off due to compassionate reasons. It is hard (have done it myself over the last 7 years, although further north SE but every 6 weeks, and in times of extreme illness every 2).

I had my 5/6 year old son with me frequently when I was visiting my parents in similar circumstances. It’s a mixed bag really, I’m not going to say it was always a bed of roses but it certainly wasn’t impossible. Some of the more unpalatable detail went over his head and some things eg hospital bed in living room, nurses coming, were simply accepted. My parents, son and me all had fish and chips together 3 days before my father died. I’m glad we did that. My teenage Niece and nephew both came up separately in the month before his death (their choice). Your parents will want to see their grandchildren too I presume and perhaps your husband too? I just mention this because I think end of life experiences can be broad ranging - there may be times when your parents welcome the broader company and illness doesn’t make life chaotic and distressing for children. Equally, there are different trajectories - I make the point only to show that there may be positives and more flexible solutions than you think. My son was a joy and source of real strength to me, as was my partner. It’s easy to feel alone but you may be able to draw others in.

Thanks everyone, really appreciate all the feedback, advice and suggestions.

I am sorry to read of your mother's diagnosis, but I'd second what people have said about it being a marathon, not a sprint. We read on here all the time about people being given a few weeks or months to live, and then living on for years, which is great, but not if the carer spends all those years in emergency mode. I would suggest planning for what you could do to support her and your dad sustainably over, say, 3-4 years.

I definitely wouldn't go up every weekend. You could try for once a month, but be realistic that the intervals might be longer if you have too much on. You can't care from a position of exhaustion and stress, so your first priority has to be your wellbeing (and then that of your own family)

(I do wonder if the district nurse would have said that to you if you were a son, not a daughter.)

Very sensible comments from Wanderley. You all need more help and support, you can't just ditch your job / family or become exhausted and ill, it's not a one-off emergency dash. Get professional help and care in place where possible, paid where family can afford it, so you can have quality time with your parents when you can visit.

I agree on the son/daughter comparison. Describe yourself, your age and your professional and family responsibilities but as a man and ask if 'he' would be told to tell his work he'll be leaving early of a Friday then popping up 300 miles to care for his parents. I do this regularly to remind myself that women and their non-caring roles are minimised when there's caring to be done.

for you all

I’d go every 2nd weekend, straight from school, you’d be there by 9pm, leave Sunday morning.
You’ll see your DC 5 nights of the week and to be honest it’s for a limited time isn’t it.