Advice please : how do I tell my mum I'm no longer confident in her looking after our son (3)?

[MonChoufleur123]

Would really appreciate some advice as I feel we are heading for a major family row.
My mum keeps pushing to have our 3 year old for days out and overnight. She's just messaged again asking if she can take him for a day out in a town over an hour away tomorrow. She's in her mid 70s and physically well but I have noticed cognitively she has changed over the last 18 months eg memory, risk perception, reaction times. . I find her driving fairly erratic and don't feel comfortable with my son being in the car for anything but local journeys and definitely not the motorway. She has very different perceptions of what is safe / appropriate for a three year old eg lets him go on the 'big kids' equipment in the play area, has to be reminded that he needs to hold hands in a car park, lets him ride his bike with no helmet on. I think an element of it is wanting to be 'fun grandma' compared to boring mummy & daddy but also don't feel her reaction times or sense of caution means he is safe with her. I think her perceptions of what is appropriate for a three year old are often wildly unrealistic and she is over confident in what she can manage.
We stopped him staying over at her and her partners house last year after a bad accident when he was left unsupervised that needed a trip to A&E and have upped his nursery hours so no longer need to rely on them for daytime childcare.
I'm happy for her to look after him at our house for a few hours and do local outings without me eg walk to nearby park. She isn't keen on joining us on family days out and always wants 'one on one time' with just her and my son at her house or elsewhere. How do I set out what I'm comfortable with without causing major upset? I still want them to be involved in his life and see him regularly but not at the expense of his safety. I don't think she sees the same changes and risks I do and will be devastated and very angry. Any advice welcome thank you.

Tricky. For what it is worth 3-5 is the worst age for this - so maybe see it as something to be managed for the next few months rather than a 'once and for all' plan. So I am not sure a 'this is what I am comfortable with' discussion is the best route if it can be managed another way - particularly if you are worried she may deteriorate again, as then you would have to change the boundaries again.

If I read it correctly you don't need childcare from her. So she is suggesting that she takes him out at a time when otherwise you would be looking after him at home?

If you aren't comfortable with this then the easiest solution is that you go too. She is your mum - say that you would love to spend some time with her and him.

Or maybe to suggest a group activity that they could do together, locally. Swimming, library sessions, etc etc. They would have built in safety precautions already by virtue of being organised by a third party.

If you're looking to temporarily manage this kind of situation then I guess the answer is, absolutely, I've been wanting to go to X shop in that town so we can all go and I'll leave you in the park. Or if you want to try and put it to bed, it might have to be more, no sorry Mum DS is going through a bad phase at the moment I couldn't possibly expect you to have him for the day, he can outrun me now!

I suppose you could make yourself out to be a bit paranoid ie sorry Mum not after the A&E incident, but she'll probably just try and argue you round.

As a pp says, certainly by 7 you will be able to say to DS he needs to stay with Grandma, she can't keep up with him etc, although that won't solve the driving issue.

So- you made your decision and your issue is how to relay it.

1. bottom line is, you don't feel mum can supervise your preschooler safely and have no intention of him going overnight or to her house alone for 1:1 time. That's the decision

1. You're worried about damaging your relationship with your mum by relaying the reasons for your decision.

mum will be angry at you if you say your view that she's not safe enough supervising him and that she has some cognitive decline.

My suggestion is do you need to relay the reason? Or directly address it at all, other than not let her have him unsupervised?

It seems to me it could be a lose: lose situation if you do say anything.

I like the "Go Vague" (deflect and redirect - "oh come over to us mum, he's happy playing here" ... " no thanks (to sleepover) we've got him into a good sleep routine here in his bedroom..") and deploy your strategy that "you or his dad also always supervise DS around nanny and drive him in your car only"

If you and DH think it through , you might be able to come up with preprepared things to say & always fall back in your "I'll have a think/ I'll check and come back to you if we need this" if caught

You might be able to hide that elephant in the room from your parents for couple years until DS goes to school snd becomes a 'Strict Rule Follower' (no nanny I must wear a helmet on my bike.. ) or something changes with your parents- for eg they go to doctor about being forgetful or a health problem

I never understand it when people say grandparents are desperate to have young children overnight! Whyyy?!

Just say no, you'd prefer it if you did things all together. Or something small as suggested like the park for an hour.

Don't do anything you're not comfortable with.

Thanks so much for all the advice.
My mum is really well meaning but becomes extremely defensive with anything that could be perceived as personal criticism.
I think the 'deflect and redirect' approach is a good idea and then if she wants to address the issue more directly she can on her own terms.

You need eyes in the back of your head with a 3 yr old.

No matter what age, people who don't live/ work with small kids may not have that parental ‘minesweeper’ radar switched on. You stop to look in a shop window for 5 seconds and they’ve hopped it.

For her sake as well as yours, in case sth happens, don’t allow a trip to an unfamiliar town an hour away. The idea probably sounds better than the reality - when loo stops, tiredness and general whining take over!!!

Can you suggest she play with him at your home- while you go out? It’s one on one contact she really wants.

On a more trivial note, I have this issue now with my mum taking our dog out to the park ! She’s done it for years but now it’s got lost a few times ....and it would break my kids’ hearts if anything happened to it.

at the bad accident which ended up in A&E. Was she apologetic?
I think it is really important you stand your ground here. The ideal would of course be a grown up conversation about risks and checks but I agree that will likely not work.
I would have instead a litany of excuses ("There is Covid in his nursery", "He is looking a bit peaky", "I have arranged a playdate for him", "He is doing extra hours at nursery", "He's such a handful at the moment", "He is terribly car sick" etc). I think you could say you aren't ready for him to sleep away from home (blame yourself not her).
To be fair, you would also need to be proactive in offering contact on your terms, and flooding her with "special granny" homemade cards etc.
Good luck!!

@wobbegong yes to be honest our relationship has never really been the same since the accident that lead to A&E. It caused a huge row - she was apologetic but also extremely defensive about how it happened. I'd had concerns previously about her coping with him and felt really angry I'd not listened to my instincts. I'm trying to do the same now but am constantly being pushed for more contact / trips out. TBH I don't understand the need to constantly have time just the two of them, it feels very exclusive and rather intense.

@SatNightFever

You need eyes in the back of your head with a 3 yr old.

No matter what age, people who don't live/ work with small kids may not have that parental ‘minesweeper’ radar switched on. You stop to look in a shop window for 5 seconds and they’ve hopped it.

For her sake as well as yours, in case sth happens, don’t allow a trip to an unfamiliar town an hour away. The idea probably sounds better than the reality - when loo stops, tiredness and general whining take over!!!

Can you suggest she play with him at your home- while you go out? It’s one on one contact she really wants.

On a more trivial note, I have this issue now with my mum taking our dog out to the park ! She’s done it for years but now it’s got lost a few times ....and it would break my kids’ hearts if anything happened to it.

Yes to the 'minesweeper radar!!' this is what I've been trying to get across to my mum. I often feel like my concerns are waved away as being over cautious but this is what I feel is missing. My in-laws are considerably younger and my MIL used to work as a childminder so I'm much more relaxed about them having him because they get that constant vigilance thing.

I often feel like my concerns are waved away as being over cautious I wouldn't worry about that, just say, well probably, but that's the way I am - in other words, explain it in terms of your nervousness rather than her inadequacy. Then she has to come to terms with only not getting what she wants, rather than the double whammy of having to come to terms with the criticism as well.

@MonChoufleur123

I say this as a DGM and as a MiL.
You are doing absolutely the right thing following your instincts regarding your child. 3YO children need 100% supervision, when I look after my DGS I do nothing else except look after him.

"My mum is really well meaning but becomes extremely defensive with anything that could be perceived as personal criticism".

I would not call her at all well meaning. Well meaning people do not become defensive at anything that could be perceived as personal criticism. She sounds like she just wants her own way with your child.
Can you trust her with your child, no. So do not put your most precious of resources in front of her.

You're right to trust your instincts.
My Mum used to look after my DD but also had diagnosed memory problems. There were one or two near misses that happened whilst I was there too - Mum could have intervened to stop an issue but just looked on - she had lost the ability to associate cause/effect and from that point on had no unsupervised contact. She would come to our house and help, but one of us was always around. This actually worked beautifully and they had some lovely time together, but never without backup. Mum was aware of her limitations and we never argued about this. She was mortified by the near misses and like me, was more concerned with DD's welfare.
I think if you have to broach it with your Mum, I would be honest. Say that at 3 your DS can be quick and unpredictable and you are worried that accidents could happen, so until he is a bit older and more biddable, you won't be agreeing to sleepovers. You might want to consider how you can offer safe 1:1 contact, but in your shoes I think I would be explicit about no sleepovers just yet and manage the expectation of how they spend time together in a gentler way.