And so it begins...

[Missfelipe]

Posting for some much needed advice.

My parents are not elderly by any stretch (early 60s) but my father is not in the best health (not severely ill but a myriad of milder health issues that will no doubt culminate in worsening health - think diabetes, obesity etc) and my mother is old before her time.

My mother is the main issue here. She still works part time but if you never knew this you’d think she was a vulnerable old lady the way she goes on. She has a helplessness, probably wilful as opposed to learned and is totally reliant on my father for pretty much everything - organising life admin, cooking, sorting things like cars etc). When not at work she sits at home watching made for TV movies that I think affect how she thinks the real world actually is. As a result everything is over dramatised in her head and in some cases I think she actually invents stories for attention. She has no friends and no hobbies. Suggestions are met with excuse after excuse about why she can’t do something. She will say things like, ‘when your dad goes’ 🧐 and outlines her plans for when she assumes she will outlive him. I am not joking.

Recently my father has had to have surgery on his knee. Despite her being a fully capable adult, this somehow resulted in us (her adult children who all live a minimum 1.5hrs away) being manipulated into doing things for her she was more than capable of doing herself whilst he was in hospital. It gave me a very real look into the future and it filled me with dread. My siblings both have children and as the one who doesn’t, I can see the burden of this falling to me and it is not sustainable. The weeks before my father was up and more mobile and back to his old self where some of the most mentally draining of my life and this was a non-life threatening medical issue.

For those of you who have been there what should we be doing now to better prep her for the possibility future? Especially given that I don’t think she will take it on board and she is the sort of person that views any constructive criticism as a personal attack.

I don't think sympathy is the way forward. That's the approach that everyone takes at the moment and she walks all over them. I think brisk is the way to go.

'Mum, you're 63, you're in perfect health and the same age as Gloria Estefan. If you don't think you can cope with changing trains, are you sure you should be nursing? After all, you could kill someone if you get their care wrong.'

'Mum, let's make you an appointment for an MOT at the doctor. You clearly have a lot of health concerns so let's put your mind at rest'

Etc.

@MereDintofPandiculation OP’s post at 16:12 - her DM was a 58 year old when she declared herself incapable of using National Rail.

She is an NHS nurse - we all use the same IT. If she can cope with an electronic patient record, I’m sure she can use a station ticket machine.

Im 54 as i said in my post so i have direct experience if being older out and about in society. I certainly dont go slowly
However this is going round in circles I suspect we aren't going to agree, and will keep misunderstanding each other .

Jesus, @MintyCedric, that sounds incredibly hard. I’m sorry you’re in such a draining situation

However this is going round in circles I suspect we aren't going to agree, and will keep misunderstanding each other I think we probably do broadly agree, it's just I didn't express myself clearly enough in my original post, so people didn't understand what I was saying and wrote me off as an ageist sexist clot talking out of her arse, and nothing I could say after that would shift that opinion.

Actually, 54 sounds incredibly young to me

@MereDintofPandiculation I suspect I wasnt clear either, its so easy to misunderstand each other online

@Clymene

I don't think sympathy is the way forward. That's the approach that everyone takes at the moment and she walks all over them. I think brisk is the way to go.

'Mum, you're 63, you're in perfect health and the same age as Gloria Estefan. If you don't think you can cope with changing trains, are you sure you should be nursing? After all, you could kill someone if you get their care wrong.'

'Mum, let's make you an appointment for an MOT at the doctor. You clearly have a lot of health concerns so let's put your mind at rest'

Etc.

This seems the best idea.

DMs like this cos she benefits. No bad behaviour, no delightful payoff.

You can’t change her, but you can change yourself. Talk to a psychiatrist about how to manage her.

Someone will no doubt be along to say she’s ill or a victim or something else tear-jerking but that’s not sounding likely. Even if she has got something wrong with her, ruining your own won’t fix it.

@MintyCedric

Oh, and when I say 'still trucking'...this is after a heart attack and 2 angioplasties, and now insulin dependent diabetes and kidney failure in the mix.

Dad was declared end of life last April, with a suspected prognosis of 1 - 3 months.

I have been off work (initially sick leave, now unpaid sabbatical) since last November as it was impossible to provide the support they want/need.

I anticipated Dad having passed by now and that I'd be looking at getting mum into a nice little warden assisted flat where she had hot and cold running company before I went back to work in September.

As it stands he's recently gone into a home but she's talking about bringing him back home which will ultimately be a complete car crash. His prognosis now (6.5 st, bedridden, doubly incontinent, partially sighted, eating, drinking and speech difficulties, intermittent severe pain, delirium and confusion) ranges from 'we've never seen anyone in such a state still going' to 'you do realise this could go on for months or even years'?

The lack of meaningful support from health and social care services (not helped by covid and my mum being difficult) has been astonishing.

...I'm an only child and single parent and it's completely impossible to make any plans for my own future.

I'm in a similar boat as an only child who is also a single mum with extremely demanding and needy mother. It's overwhelming and I honestly don't know how to survive this.

I find it useful to consider what kind of 'older parent' I want to be to DS (only child).

I absolutely don't want to rely on him, or make his life difficult wrt to caring for me.

I'd rather walk over hot coals than burden him with my problems.

When I look at things from that perspective I realise how unreasonable my difficult parents are, and it becomes easier to say no.

@Fifinely I'm so sorry you're going through this too

I think your brother was wrong to give in and drive her to the relative's house. As a pp has already pointed out, many 58 year olds still have parents of their own AND dependent children living at home.

I know it's easy for me to say but a bright and breezy "of course you can do a train journey with 2 changes mother, why on earth not? You don't need help with that - you're the same age as Jodie Foster/Tom Cruise/Micky Flanaghan" would have been more helpful to her and all of you in the long run.

I find I have to encourage my mother to do more for herself every phone call now. Little by little she's losing the capacity to do things. But then she'll soon be 90!

I know someone how had a baby at 49. He is now 8 so she must be 57!

All of my friends are aged 48 to 65, most of them well over 50. Nothing in your op computes to me.

I’m afraid I’d be thinking she’s only a little older than me and I’d be horrified at being considered or supported to be so dependent.

I think cruel to be kind or she’ll be very old before her time. If she says she won’t drive but will get the train, I’d say excellent idea. If she made a fuss, I’d tell her she’s more than capable and will be fine.
I think you’re encouraging her helplessness. That’s not healthy. Get her to do jobs for you, to feel needed and wise - I assume she was capable at some point?

You could be talking about my SIL, although she has never worked a day in her adult life. She is 3 years younger than me (I'm mid 50's) but has consistently invented various illnesses over the years to avoid having to live in the real world and 'do stuff'. Over the past few years she has now convinced herself she can't walk and has been undergoing years of hospital tests which have found no underlying cause for her lack of mobility other than she is choosing to be like this.
She identifies as disabled and revels in it. She considers her adult kids as her carers and they literally do everything for her. Yet when she wants her hair done, which is almost fortnightly, she's round the hairdressers like a greyhound after a rabbit. And the Blue Badge is like a fucking Olympic medal.
Certain behaviours bring rewards, and those rewards are abstinence from any responsibility and an expectation that others will fulfil the role they choose to abstain from.

@EdgeOfFortyNine It starts off "Can you just...?" and before you know it you've landed yourself a full-time job with an unreasonable manager and no wages.

that did make me laugh! You’ve hit the nail on the head. I also recognised OP the influence of made for tv films on perception of real life - it’s not films in my Mum’s case but bloody ‘family saga’ books! My Mum has made it to 88 and is yet to cotton on that they are ALL THE SAME!

So, your scenario is different as your mum is clearly unreasonable but if you are like me, forewarned is forearmed as opposed to the non-helpful non-present sibling of mine who sticks their head in the sand and ignores the reality even when it is forcing the door down with a crowbar.

Some helpful tips;

• if you can spread the load with siblings hallelujah for you. I’ve sat in hospitals for hours and deeply envied the beds where there is an ever present, ever changing cast of relatives.
• if you can get your parents to downsize or simplify their lives, again hallelujah for you too. To hear some people (generally non-carers or perhaps those wise siblings who aren’t actually there) talk you’d think elderly parents are giant toddlers who you can order about as you are the wise adult. Nope. Maybe some folks have malleable parents. I didn’t get one of those so I’ve given up feeling the guilt. You are not responsible and can’t be because you have no authority to enforce anything
• register as an unpaid carer with your GP when the time is right. Don’t think a carer is permanently there or only someone who does personal care. If your parent can’t survive without you, you are a carer. The benefit of doing this means that in the case of Covid, you would have been prioritised for vaccination, you will be eligible for a flu vaccination, you can get a carers card and in my health authority area, I was given access to a carers support group. I have no time to attend but I do like the idea that they are there plus they send cheery encouraging mails that have made me a bit teary when I’ve been very low.
• join local Facebook groups. I did this two plus years before one parent died when things looked like they were turning bad. I live 25 miles away so I use these sites to keep me in the loop on trades, news etc etc. You can do a lot online, indeed many things are only online not that my sibling let’s that get in the way of being ‘too far away to help’
• research transport. You may find community transport schemes that pick up door to door. You could also use, thinking about that hospital journey your sibling picked up, executive cars. A chauffeur might sound ridiculous but I paid £50 for a 25 mile trip to ferry elderly relatives when a parent died. Chauffeurs can have a day rate too.
• attendance allowance. I believe this is the only non means tested allowance. If your parent needs assistance with task of day to day living you may qualify. The form is complicated so it’s worth researching now.

There is something called anticipatory grief - the anxiety when something is going to happen. I think changing and new situations cause anxiety. If it’s any comfort, I cried when one parent was end of life not because of the grief of losing them but because I saw as clear as day how things would pan out for the remaining parent and the consequences for me. I was on the money 100%. What I was wrong about though was my ability to put some boundaries in place and not to feel too deeply about things that I can’t solve. My remaining parent sees no one except me. I can’t help that, they didn’t do anything when they were more able to avoid this and I can’t make it right now. I do do a lot, I do get stressed and upset but I don’t dwell on maudlin thoughts quite as much as I thought I would.

• another tip, small but useful, most councils will go on to a property to collect then return bins where kerbside collection is the norm.

@Zolrets thank you for your post. It resonates with me and is really helpful.

Excellent post, @Zolrets. Thank you.

@Zolrets The twisted humour in your post also resonates. You've obviously had year and tears of service. The emotional battering for some adult children is both frustrating and unnecessary, and often could have been prevented had their parent, or parents, not body swerved future proofing steps with cavalier abandon. Passing your tips is a valuable resource for us all.

Great Post @Zolrets

Your mention hospitals really hit home. When my dad broke his back there was another man on the ward with a wife and 4 adult children (2 brothers and 3 sisters in their early to mid forties). They were constantly tag teaming between visiting their dad and looking after their mum so everyone was taken care of and they all had breaks.

I was going into work early so I could take an extended break to dash round and feed my dad his lunch, eating at my desk then popping back in before checking in on my mumand trying to keep up with 14yo DD. I lived on breakfast biscuits and pot noodles for nearly two months and can still remember just making it as far as the lifts before breaking down in tears of rage, exhaustion and jealousy after one particularly jolly family visit.

If she does the GP MoT, be prepared to be sceptical of the results. My MIL (difficult woman) once announced that she was 'being investigated for cancer' when she meant she was booked in for her regular mammo. She died many years later, never having had a sniff of cancer.

Your mother has a clone - my mother.
After my father died I'm ashamed to say it was just less grief to move in with her. I'm divorced with no siblings and my children are all grown and gone.

I'm 66 now and it's been 5 years - so I'm telling you run away as far as you can.

If it wasn't for reading this and other forums I might not even realise what a disfunctional family we were and I have nightmares about what kind of a mother I was.

My mother's now 94 and sometimes I think all I don't do is chew her food for her.

Ps yet another nurse
Should we worry about this?