Visit or not dilemma

[MsTSwift]

Mid 70s uncle lives alone very private man. He is so lovely we visit a few times a year. In hospital and had procedure under general anaesthetic. Literally no one else to visit him his siblings are both his age and unwell themselves. Am 1.5 hours away would really like to go and see him. He has just emailed to say not to. Should I just go anyway? Sorry new to this.

He's asked you not to visit him; keep in touch until he's ready to see you.

Keep emailing. Maybe send a few links to interesting websites, YouTube clips or podcasts?

Urgh he has said again not to visit so I will respect that but hate to think of him in hospital alone and staff all thinking poor chap has no family! My worry is he doesn’t want to put me out and is being polite.

Could you tell him it’s really no trouble and you’d like to see him?

I know what you mean, my DGM would never want people to put themselves out for her but was always delighted to have company. You know your uncle best though.

Could you go on the pretence of running an errand? My DGM is the same - don't bother yourself, it's too much trouble. I always say I need to drop something off, or please could I pop in to break a journey etc and she's always glad for the company.

That’s my fear he is notorious for not wanting to be a bother. He has been a carer himself for a partner who recently died and he did so much for my late DGM. Awful to think no one is caring for him! But his latest email is clear he would rather be alone. But think he associates our visiting as him having to “host” us but it would just be me and it’s not like that in this situation.

Just reply and say shame, you'd have loved to see him, but understand him not wanting visitors, and remember if he needs anything, you're pleased to help.

If you're really worried the staff thinking he has no-one looking out for him, you could ring and ask how he's doing. They probably won't tell you (data protection) but they'll know someone has rung.

You have to respect his wishes which it sounds like you are.
But if you think he may being overly polite and not wanting to put others out , you could reply

"Dear uncle

We would really like to visit you to stop in for an hour and half, just to reassure ourselves and see your lovely smile again, because you're family and really important to us. It's been too long.

We won't come if you really don't want a visit, but just wanted to check you're not saying not to bother if you are at all you're mistakenly worried about 'putting us out'.

We love you and would be delighted to see you again, can be just me (&DH/DW... no children..) if you'd prefer,

Of course we will respect your wishes, whatever they are,

love Tswift"

Then whatever your uncle says in reply, you'll have tried your best. Tbh if he can reply to emails, he's orientated and can make his own decisions.

Hospitals won't make assumptions that he has no one. He's probably told them he has family he can call on if he wants

You could drop into your email that you'll happily be - family contact on his health records (does he have a NOK as of so they'd be contacting them if need be) if he wouldn't mind giving that to his GP

I’m already his attorney but appreciate he has capacity so up to him. Am respecting his clearly expressed wishes by not going. Guess I’m projecting as I would hate to be alone in hospital. He knows I am here and want to visit. He has no other visitors but is a solitary person by choice always has been.

Can you call the ward and ask after him? Ask what his mood is like and tell them about the emails? They may see that he is lonely or they may see that he is doing well and chatting away with other patients on the ward, so not in need of visitors. When is he due to be discharged? It might be better to visit him at home and help out with a bit of cooking or cleaning for him. He might find it easier to chat and be more relaxed in his own environment.