Not sure about annexe plans for MIL

[likely]

Mil is late 80's but in very good health. Fil died last year but she's coped really well.

We are looking to move and it has been suggested that we buy mil house and build her an annexe to live in.

I'm just not sure. I like mil, she's a kind and generous person, it's more dh. Every suggestion I have on the extension, or anything house related, he shuts me down - every suggestion is how it will affect mil. We have sold and will need to rent somewhere whilst bushing work is being done - family of 4 with pets. I suggested it would make more sense for mil to move in to SIL spare 2 bed flat and we live there to oversee - I'm a disgrace to even think, I'm selfish.

We will be paying for the annexe. I say if we are spending money see should gain extra space and build a downstairs bedroom too - no, mil wants to be upstairs so we will convert/lose a bedroom and bathroom for her - losing a bedroom for my kids and their bathroom (they are teens).

It doesn't feel like it will be my home at all...

@Soontobe60

Who will be living in the house? (and ages of children). How many bedrooms / bathrooms will there be once the extension has been done?

House at present has 4 bedrooms. 2 bedrooms have a jack n Jill shared ensuite. Main has ensuite and there's a shower room.

We will be converting double garage and extending. I want to extend to include downstairs bedroom and bathroom. Dh just wants living area with us putting in a new staircase and mil using one upstairs bedroom that has the shared ensuite - meaning we lose a bedroom and a bathroom. My kids wanted to use these 2 rooms and share the bathroom.

Teens are 18 and 15.

Just because MIL is saying that she'll look at residential care some time in the future doesn't mean that she will.

My mother always said she'd look for a nice residential home because I'm an only child and it would be too much to ask for me to be responsible for her care. She's said this for the last thirty years, right up to the point where she needs care and now it's "I'm not going in a home" and "I'm not having strangers in my house". She has no insight into how selfish she is and the demands she makes on me (dementia)

Don't do this, it's not good for you and I doubt that it will be good for MIL long term. If you move there MIL will always come first and it's not about what she wants, it's what your husband thinks she wants. She can be perfectly accommodating but if he thinks she wants a pony then that's what he will do.

What happens if she can’t do a sit to stand transfer? Ground floor shower & bedroom will always meet her needs. Stairlifts are costly and useless for people who can’t sit to stand independently or have cognitive problems.

@Ritasueandbobtoo9

What happens if she can’t do a sit to stand transfer? Ground floor shower & bedroom will always meet her needs. Stairlifts are costly and useless for people who can’t sit to stand independently or have cognitive problems.

I agree. We've just been through this with fil. We had a stairlift put in because he fell. He could only get around on a walker then. How is she going to be independent of that happens and kitchen etc is downstairs? Fil had mil to look after him... The ensuite dh is proposing she uses doesn't even have a shower - only a bath. Fil had to give up baths as he couldn't get in and out. I'm presuming dh is then thinking we'd redo that bathroom 😳 It is dated and yes could do with redoing but the whole house is dated - seems our mortgage will only be spent on meeting mil wants, no one else's. They seem to have forgotten the practical things because mil would like some views to sit and read. .. She is welcome to sit and read in the upstairs study whenever she wants....

I'm just feeling very frustrated. It doesn't make practical or financial sense.

Op don't rush into anything. Honestly don't.

We are in a similar situation... but the difference is my DH and I are totally in agreement about how it will work and the annexe will be ground floor, self contained and boundaries in terms of what we are prepared to do etc. are being worked out.

In your situation it seems your DH is setting you to become the carer and everyone to fail. Don't do it, really don't do it....

I think you and DH need to go round and sit with MIL and discuss all this. Calmly and clearly try and make your points.
If DH won’t listen to you, perhaps he will listen to his mum!

Bit of a harsh pile-on to the DP here. The poor guy has just lost his father ffs! Some irrational and over-protective thinking about his DM is completely natural. Give him a break!

My advice to you OP is to go and visit MIL tomorrow for a calm chat so you can discuss what she actually wants (rather than what your DH thinks she wants), and so that you’re there when the architect is. Hopefully between the three of you you’ll come up with a workable solution that benefits everyone and that can be presented to your DH.

If it is rural will the teenagers like living there. Will you end up being a taxi for them whilst being a carer for your MIL?

I would be asking serious questions about my marriage if my husband demonstrated such little regard for mine and his children’s well being. You are his family, yes of course he should be good to his mother but come on. You’re being treated like a doormat. I have a friend like this, where her husband puts his mother above her and their child time and time again. I’m astounded that she puts up with it. When you marry someone and have children with them, that is your family and that is who you put first. You’re being very accommodating in allowing the situation at all, many women wouldn’t. Your husband should be very grateful and letting you work out how the situation can work for you and MiL, not bullying you into doing it all his way. I’d offer to split the equity and but your own homes separately and he can take on the care of his mother. I couldn’t respect a man who would put the needs of his wife and children second to his mum.

You indicate this is a recent bereavement.

They always say not to make important life changing decisions for at least a year after a close bereavement.

Perhaps your husband might be "less intense" about his wishes as time passes. Can you delay your sale?

If you do decide to pursue this plan I'd advise you to obtain very clear legal advice re the ownership of what was your MIL's property especially as you are getting it at a reduced price.

Will MIL retain any share in the property? What will happen should your husband pre-decease you? Who will provide care for her? What about if you and your husband die - will provision be made for your sons to live there/sell the property in their own right? Are there any other family members who might make a claim (again because you're buying at a reduced price). How will the property be held joint tenants/tenants in common?

Do you/your husband have POA re MIL?

Please make sure you have Wills in place.

I note your reference to "family" solicitor - yours (you and your husband), or hers (and her late husband, son, other family members)?

If the latter I'd seriously recommend seeking independent legal advice in order that your interests and those of your sons are protected going forward.

Good luck 💐

This plan has legal red flags all over it.

Pansypotter is bang on. You need to think about what legal ownership of the house will look like, the wills of you, your DH and your MIL and putting LPAs in place. I share PP's concern about the 'family solicitor'. Have you ie you and your DH had independent legal advice from a solicitor who is not your MIL's/late FIL's? If not, then I think you need to arrange to get some as a priority before you spend a penny more on architects.

There are a lot of what if's to consider. What if you die? What if your DH dies? What if you both die? What happens to the house then? Does your MIL stay there? Who is going to look after her? What if you get divorced?

And the sale at undervalue rings alarm bells too. This has tax implications and has the potential to set up family conflict if your DH has siblings who feel he is being gifted a share of their inheritance. And although your MIL may have substantial assets to fund any care, should she come to the end of them (and with care fees of £50k pa that might not take long), the sale at undervalue may be viewed as a deliberate attempt to deprive herself of assets if she came to the point where she had to rely on the state.

Maybe you've been through all of this already as you say the plan was being discussed last year before your FIL died. Maybe all the 'what ifs' have been considered, everyone has their eyes open and the legalities of the wills and ownership of the house will be drafted to achieve what everyone wants.

But if not, I'd advise very strongly you see a solicitor of your own before going any further with this plan.

I love these dutiful sons who take care of their parents by moving them in (for their wives to look after ...) while they work FT.🙄

This upstairs plan is bonkers. You need to get your architect to back you up. Surely he can see the downside and can put your case?

Or- if she wants a view, give her an( optional) upstairs ‘lounge’ for daytime, with bed/ bath etc downstairs ?

This sounds like a disaster. Just because she is in good health in her late 80s does not mean it will last.
Is there someone external you can speak to about planning her care, a social worker or GP.
You could move her upstairs and within a few months she might be incapable of using them. What will you do then?

I looked at a house recently with an added annex. It was a room and a bathroom. The room was now being used as an office, which is attractive to many buyers now. Originally built as a bedroom.

I can understand your issues. DH definitely prioritised his mum over us when his dad died. He would try and do anything to make her happy. Problem was she was a woman who would never be happy so it was an endless task. He also talked about moving her in with us, thankfully he is generally disorganised so it never happened (it would have needed me to push the issue). I know that I would have ended up doing everything. This is what you will end up doing, she might be fine now, what happens when she can’t wash herself, cook for herself etc. Care isn’t about now, it’s about 5,10 years down the line.
You need to put your foot down ASAP and really talk about what will happen.

@likely how did your meeting with the architect go?