Oh the Guilt

[Montypig]

Hello - How do you all deal with the awful feeling of guilt ?

Bit of background - only child, 3 smallish children and super supportive husband, parents both alive but 4 hours drive away - both very frail, one with dementia ( not diagnosed, won't go to the Dr).

I call at least twice a day but its HARD - Dad is always so gloomy and depressed, and Mum won't come on the phone much at all. He's her carer so is doing an amazing job but never he never sees or reports any positives. I have tried to go up once a month but with COVID Its been impossible, and they haven't seen the grandchildren for over 6 months.

They have a carer once a day, calls from Alzheimers support, dog walker once a day and me calling at least twice a day, but I constantly feel like I am not doing enough. I do all their shopping remotely and organise still like that. Dad says things like " oh if only you were closer" at least once a day, and I just feel terrible ( we tried to get them to move closer to us, they refused point blank)

I know that realistically its amazing that they cope as well as they do, and that at some point they will have to come and live here, but in the interim, I just feel so very guilty that I am not rushing up and down the motorway the whole time ( and when I do I feel terrible about leaving the children and DH !)

Just having a moan really, but how do you all cope with feeling torn ?

Thank you

It sounds like you are doing a lot already. It's really hard to gauge what's going on from phone calls anyway isn't it.

As for the guilt - I think we all live with it. I spend hours with my mum every day but because she has carers twice a day - to get her up and get her to bed - I am lazy and regard her as a nuisance. I have come to accept that I will never be able to meet her needs.

You are doing the best you can which is all we can do. You have other responsibilities and a role that only you can fill. Your parents' physical needs are being cared for. You are doing all you can.

Thanks - you are wise - onwards and upwards I guess !

I'm actually wondering if you would feel less weighed down if you only phoned once a day? Eg, if the carer is there in the morning, phone in the evening? It wouldn't solve the other stuff, but you may feel better for only having the negative conversation once?

Thats a good point - the morning call tends to be a health check in ( have you any symptoms etc ) but perhaps if I try to make it short and cheerful - might have a try at that

We talk on here about “Teflon shoulders” - letting everything just slide off you. Basically you have to cut yourself off emotionally to some extent. Your dad’s going through a rotten time, there are no happy endings with dementia, so I’m not surprised he’s gloomy on the phone.
Your job is to find some way to let it wash over you. If you are going to be of any use to them you need to keep yourself mentally and physically in good shape

Thats true- If he doesn't moan at me, who will he have to moan at. Teflon shoulders - I had a boss like that once !

Don’t overestimate the benefit of having siblings or underestimate what can be done remotely. I am the closER of two so I do at least a weekly visit but so, so many things are done remotely and online. Sadly WiFi doesn’t seem to have reached my sibling so I get to pick up the remote tasks too sounds like you are doing a lot. To be fair to your dad he is probably miserable and putting on a brave face for you doesn’t help him so maybe call just them once or even every other day unless you are concerned for their immediate safety?

I'm with you, it sounds like you're doing all you can under the circumstances, don't beat yourself up.
My DM lives round the corner and I see her every day, in a bubble etc.
I still feel guilty and worry about her.
I do her big jobs, shopping, take her out, walk the dog etc but I feel terrible when I leave knowing that she'll be on her own.
The fact that you feel bad and are doing your best shows me that you're a good person 💐

I know exactly that feeling.
It sounds to me like you are doing a marvellous job of caring;
Way above and beyond the call of duty.

I have resolved never to make my children feel they must allow my old age to dominate their lives when I reach a certain age.

Try to ditch the guilt- enjoy your your own
life too.
Good luck

I am an only child, my DH is not. When my FIL was ill I saw the incredible advantages of being an only child as DH and his sibs all fell out the whole time - who should be doing what, no not like that, no I'm closer, well they have more time and aren't pulling their weight, blah blah blah...

It is hard being an only child and it all being on you but at least you can only fall out with yourself!

I'd try to ditch some of the guilt. You suggested they move closer, they didn't want to. They have a nice set up with a carer, dog walker and carers support. Everything's shit now due to Covid but it will be opening up soon and then services will be reopening - time to get mum to doctor, out to day centre.

Your parents could live next door and you could still manage to feel guilty. You are doing an excellent job in very difficult circumstances, it's not a one woman job especially when that one woman also has a job, a partner and children too.

You are all so lovely thank you - I think it was just a very low moment - thank you.

Realistically, they are safe in their own home, still have each other (even partially) and have amazing local support so I just have to be grateful for that !

Thank you all so much for your thoughts and ideas - I will use them all.

How do you deal with the guilt of living 4 hours away from your ageing parents who are needing support but have good local support?

You listen to experienced social workers. You're ringing your parents twice a day! That ain't shabby at all!!!

You're are offering help, you can do a lot remotely and help out. You can look up advice on clubs etc on their Local adults Heath and care / adult services websites.., all sorts of community (free or private) services out there that don't even need a SW to arrange

Try to arrange LPAs finance and property if they have assets or own their property for both of them if you can whilst they can still choose someone, in readiness for the future.

And please listen to me when I say an involved and caring relative -whether doing things remotely by phone and online or whether local- is brilliant! There are people who have no one, and you are checking up on them. If you look online here are some simple to use (dementia) video devices where you can video chat with them but look like a photo picture frame. So much available for remote support

Thank you all - I managed to see them with my children - just for lunch outside but it made such a difference. its just a case of keep going isn't it !

Thank you again

Glad you saw them. And as others say, you are doing so much and they have made choices.
Please try not to feel guilty. And siblings are often either a curse or purely ornamental..... goldenballs sibs are frequent references in these quarters!!
And rant and vent here. We get it.