Sandwich generation—any tips?

[Thatwentbadly]

I’m struggling with guilt and lack of time. I have toddler who still regularly feeds during the night and a reception aged child. My parents need increasing about of care, mostly as a result of temporary changes making things worse. I’m struggling and I’m not sure about how I change the situation. My sister is of the opinion we should do more but I don’t have the time or the will. She doesn’t have much time either. This is more a bit of a whinge.

I don't see what that has to do with sandwiches.

However you do have your hands full at the moment so your time is limited.

Maybe you could take turns with your sister to go over and do a bit of housework (though having a cleaner once a fortnight wouldn't break the bank); cook something they can put in their freezer - cottage or shepherd's pie is a favourite. Organise them to have food and anything they want from the chemist delivered.

If they need personal care, they need a profession carer and that can be arranged. However you haven't actually said they need that at the moment.

Make sure their house is warm and that everything works, hot water etc.
Is your husband or your sister's husband (if she has one) any good at simple repairs or mowing the lawn?

Most of all your parents will want to feel loved so visits and telephone calls are important. It sets a good example to your children too whom I am sure they would love to see.

Please don't stress about this, you can't spread yourself too thin but try to do what you can, cheerfully. It's important for your parents to know you are there for them if they need you.

@jessstan2 The “sandwich generation” is those people finding themselves simultaneously caring for young children and elderly parents

Oh right. I didn't know that. I suppose I was part of that some years ago, juggling elderly and a youngster.

You could have social services do an assessment of needs or you could make a list with your parents and sister. What needs to be done? Who is available to do it? It's not automatically down to you and your sister, your parents can buy in the support they need. There is no way to create more hours in a day or magically make small children not eat your time.

Nice though it would be for you to be cooking meals for their freezer - you are short of time and alternatives exist. ParsleyBox deliver as do Wiltshire Farm Foods. You do not need to be doing it all, gardeners can be hired to cut grass, cleaners to do domestic jobs. If your parents are still competant adults then it's for them to be thinking this through for themselves.

Your parents might also be entitled to claim attendance allowance, which isn’t means tested. My late elderly father lived a long way from family, so we discovered a fantastic local charity that took him to GP & hospital appointments, they also alerted us if they had any concerns.
Also, having Power of Attorney in place is really useful. I had control of my dad’s bank account, so I set up online banking & could keep our eye on his finances, especially as the elderly are so vulnerable to scams. Telephone Preference Service again to prevent phone scams.

Good advice here.From a long standing sandwich although dd is now young adult and elderly still going at mid 90s, been here a long time and have learnt from others the wisdom of doing what only you can do, being clear on boundaries, and getting help in early.... cleaner, gardener etc etc.
And yes to attendance allowance claim but seek help from age uk/ cab/ carers uk to complete as they know exactly how to phrase things.
And get paper copies then it will be backdated to date stamp- saved us 300 quid
,

I am you almost 20 years further down the road with adult children 21 and 24. My DM was on the dementia path through her 60s and is now 89 and been in ‘care’ six years. My DF died in 2015 while she was under section with no POA. We now have guardianship which is a rubbish and expensive outcome.
My ‘tips’ to you are based on a tumultuous two decades.

Absolutely help your parents all you can if they have gone out their way to future proof their living situation. If they have PoA in place, they live somewhere with downstairs bedroom, wc and washing facilities and they embrace the services that keep them together in their own home, they deserve your support.
However, if they move an hour out of their area to somewhere with poor transport links at 74, if they deny they need PoA and they throw a hissy fit at any type of support like a falls pendant when there’s a desperate need, then think again.
You will happily fit in the support and find the extra hours in your day if they don’t take you for granted and are appreciative. However, by repeatedly refusing to take pain relief meds, or dismissing the difficult-to-find private carers without giving them a chance, you are less likely to skip a parents’ evening or a works do, to rush to their aid

And get paper copies then it will be backdated to date stamp- saved us 300 quid I didn't bother, because they don't give AA until the condition has lasted 6 months, and Dad's dated from a sudden decline - I worked out he would be eligible from May. But when it arrived, they'd backdated it to about 4 weeks before I applied. Weird. But that was another 3 days of nursing home paid for

It's really difficult to accept your declining body, even worse your declining brain. And the loss of all autonomy is scary - imagine wanting a drink, and being given the choice between fruit squash or a milky tea. Or waking up in the middle of the night and switching the light on, and being told it's night time and you've got to lie down and switch the light off. But once you start accepting help that's the way you're headed.

So it's not a matter of whether they "deserve" help or not - nearly everyone deserves help - but how much help you personally are prepared to give and how much help you can give without affecting your own well-being, or becoming resentful of your formerly loved parent.

Dint I disagree that accepting help propels you to the land of milky tea and orange juice.
I actually think it’s those who are hell bent on refusing the help (when it’s obviously required) that are the ones ( and, sadly, their adult children) with the looming problems. I used to despair at my parents using the ambulance service rather than the well resourced ‘falls service’ up to three times in 72 hrs. Or , had DM accepted the offered Alzheimer’s volunteer visits at the start of her prognosis, I reckon she may have held on to her memory and her independence, a little longer. Some well placed interventions definitely keep people in their own homes and it need not be the slippery slope to tea at three in a plastic beaker.

I’m not talking about actuality, I’m talking about perception.

Thanks everyone. Sorry I’ve been burying my head in the sand for the last week. My Mum does have personal care but they reduced this to just mornings over covid fears. Now they have had their first vaccines I think I should get them to reconsider this. They also have a lady who they have reduced to once a week who is an ex carer who does cleaning, household jobs, makes them lunch or whatever they need. Generally they Bob along ok until one of them is ill. This is a regular occurrence. Dad’s health is getting worse, he is off to A and E for the second time in a week at the moment. @Mum5net they are in an adapted bungalow but Dad keeps doing too much and Mum keeps saying she can manage to do things that she can’t and then won’t attempt - she also hasn’t engaged in any on her at home physio over the years, she will go to the appointments but then not put the work in. It’s very frustrating.

We’ve had many a conversations about them getting more support, when one of them is in hospital they agree and then they disagree a few days later. We also need to have conversations about what happens if dad dies before Mum because she won’t be able to manage at home.