Just about had it with my mum

[bringincrazyback]

Hi all, some might remember me from a couple of years back when I posted a bit re the difficulties of caring for my elderly parents (who share a home with me and DH) largely due to my mum's difficult personality. Sorry I didn't keep in touch but I really appreciated the support I received at the time. My dad sadly passed in Aug 2019 and I've not really been online as much since then.

I'm now my mum's registered carer, she has some physical mobility problems and I personally feel she's depressed, but she keeps vehemently denying this. She was assessed recently for dementia and judged to have only mild cognitive impairment, I'm not so sure myself as she's capable of some staggering feats of forgetfulness (or possibly just lies) sometimes, but that's another story.

The problem on top of all this is that she's utterly self-centred. I know that's a terrible thing to say, but it's true. She has been all her life. I strongly believe she's a narcissist. My dad was a born nurturer and between them they cultivated this unhealthy (imho) dynamic whereby my dad did everything for her and she let him. (I'm talking about when she was perfectly fit and healthy here.) Growing up I was rarely nurtured by her, my dad did most of that. Now he's gone, she does some things for herself, and I've offered to take care of the rest many times if she needs me to, she keeps refusing claiming she can manage, but the reality is different.

She gets up, washes and dresses, gets her own breakfast and takes care of her laundry. And watches TV the rest of the time. By her own choice she occasionally hoovers, claims to dust but doesn't as far as I can tell. Same goes for cleaning the bathroom. TBH I don't expect her to do more, that's not the issue. She's almost 81. The issue is her refusal to let me help/lying that she is on top of things and her steadfastly maintaining that things are fine when they're not.

It's all kicked off today because a plumber's coming to fix her toilet and it's filthy, as is the rest of the bathroom, as are her rooms generally. There's been a battle for some time now as she won't let me clean or tidy her rooms even though her bedroom/bathroom are filthy and very untidy. She keeps maintaining that she wants to keep hold of responsibility for cleaning the 3 rooms she rents from us as she feels it's important to retain some mobility, and on principle I absolutely agree, but either her standards have plummeted, or her vision's deteriorating and she can't actually see how dirty it all is. (She maintains her eyesight's fine, just like she maintains she isn't depressed.)

She was asked last night if she felt up to cleaning that toilet, as I wanted to do it for her if not; it's me the filthy toilet's going to reflect on, not her, as it was me who organised the plumber. She emphatically agreed and said she'd do it. She has a disability seat on the top of the normal toilet; it, plus the inside of the toilet, are spattered with shit and have been for ages. (In hindsight I know I've been too soft on her, letting it go on that long, but I didn't want to upset her so I've just gone along with the fiction that she's on top of her cleaning.)

Plumber due in a few hours. She's dusted the top of the cistern and that's it. Claims 'I was going to...' but tbh I'm sick of hearing this. Some of the time it's true, but half the time I honestly believe she leaves things so that other people will get fed up and do them themselves.(Taking her turn with the washing-up is one of those things, though she claims to be physically up to doing them - typically they don't get done until the next day, by which time the dirty stuff is a problem for the next meal.)

It's like doublethink; she keeps claiming none of it's dirty, I can see with my own two eyes that it's beyond dirty. (This doublethink has been a feature of my relationship with her all my life, and has a lot to do with my chronic low self-esteem due to a lifetime of being gaslighted, but that's another story.) I lost it and shouted at her just now after she shouted at me for saying the bathroom was filthy.

I do feel bad about that, but right now I feel like I've had it with her. I do my best around here, but I have a full-time job, suffer from chronic fatigue and depression, have my own chores to do (at least until I can get a cleaner in, which I'm currently trying to arrange although my mum has flatly refused to have her own rooms cleaned by a 'stranger') and frankly there's only so much I'm able to cope with.

She seems to forget all the times before this move when she would sit and cry about not wanting to go into a home and all the promises that she and my dad wouldn't take me for granted or treat me like a servant if we did this. All those promises have been broken a thousand times over. Last year I was dragged back from my holidays with DH twice (in the summer when lockdown was lifted slightly) simply because she didn't want to be on her own, then not thanked for it. She treats me like a housekeeper, not a daughter, but is always ready with the indignation and the passive-aggressive tears when I point this out.

But of course now I'm wrapped up in FOG regardless and mired in guilt because I shouted at her/upset her. sigh I do realise she's grieving, but I am too and she makes my life hell at times. And the worst thing is, when things come to a head like this, she just ignores me like I'm a child having a temper tantrum and acts all arrogant like she's the one in the right and I'm the child throwing a paddy, 'bringincrazyback's playing up, ignore her', that kind of thing. (I'm 53 btw.)

Not really expecting anyone to advise, just needed to get this out. Sorry it's so long.

Oh bring you sound amazing. 🌺🌺🌺I could no way do what you are doing- and I’ve been supporting my dm who lives 2 mins away for 15 years.
Don’t feel bad about getting frustrated.... it sounds like such a hard situation.
You deserve to be happy. I would make getting a cleaner for you a priority.... and maybe get your mum to know her/ him and do it by stealth.
A bit like teenagers, I suggest you ignore her rooms. Close the doors.
She won’t change- you must protect yourself. 🌺🌺

Thanks for your kind words @thesandwich - yes, it can be really tough at times and sometimes I do feel I need to toughen up a little myself in order to cope. As a chronic people-pleaser, though, it's not easy. wry smile

I'm planning on getting her an eye test soon as well, even though it's been less than a year since she had one, as it's starting to seem more and more like she just can't see the dirt. It's hard to know what's what, though, as denial is pretty much her default response to everything. sigh

I don't think I could live with that. I'm not tidy by nature but even so. I couldn't cope with a toilet in my house being covered in that and feeling I'm not "allowed" in my own house to fix it. When I lived with my parents I was told often enough it's their house it's their rules. Well if they can dish that out they need to accept I'm an adult and this is my house. It's not your mothers house she doesn't get the final say. I would have to say look mum you keep your rooms tidy and I'm grateful for that, but I am getting a cleaner in to do the whole house. Meantime I will be cleaning all rooms until a cleaner comes in. Perhaps agree a day of the week that cleaning can be done so she has some control. You are not being unreasonable and yes it would be embarrassing for anyone to come in and see that. Your house your rules bottom line or you will explode.

When I lived with my parents I was told often enough it's their house it's their rules. Well if they can dish that out they need to accept I'm an adult and this is my house.

Good point. I did actually tell her this afternoon that a cleaner was going to be doing her rooms as well if she wouldn't either sort them out herself or let me do so. I've been tiptoeing around this too long, partly because my own health means I have little 'bandwidth' for it on some days. I've had enough now though.

it's starting to seem more and more like she just can't see the dirt You are probably right, but don't have too high hopes of the eyetest. It seems that the ability see contrasts goes. My father asked me to buy light coloured trousers for him as they would be "easier to see against the carpet" - someone with normal sight would have no problem seeing navy or black trousers against a red carpet. But I don't think an eye test based on black letters against a white background will pick that up. His toilet was dreadful - I used to clean it every time I visited, but I didn't have the shit-spattered seat raiser to cope with. We tried coming in and doing a good clean while he was out at Chapel each Sunday, but he realised this and got quite shirty.

It's unfortunate that she's living in your home. You clearly don't have a good relationship to look back on and so it's difficult for you to have sympathy now. She would be better off living where you didn't feel that her living standards were a reflection on you. You probably need to inure yourself against perceived criticism. Say cheerfully to the plumber "I've no idea what state the bathroom is in - she's fiercely independent and won't let me help with cleaning".

Ultimately, whatever you do some people will feel you don't do enough (people dealing professionally with the elderly understand - it's relatives and neighbours and people who've never dealt personally with aged relatives) and others will understand but you will imagine them criticising anyway, and when she's under your roof it's less easy to ignore. Would it be an idea for her to move to an assisted living apartment sooner rather than later?

"Mild cognitive impairment" is only "mild" in comparison to what it could be. To the rest of us it seems a pretty major impairment.

It's not your mothers house she doesn't get the final say. Arguably she does - she rents her three rooms. No-one would take kindly to a landlord specifying what level of housework you were doing.

Update: she cleaned it but she was only just in time as the plumber came early. Based on past form, if I hadn't intervened, I don't think it would have been cleaned properly. She's been known to let guests use her bathroom with the toilet in that state (not known by me at the time, I hasten to add, or I'd have diverted them to ours!!)

She seems to have decided that certain things don't matter any more, and cleaning seems to be one of them.

@MereDintofPandiculation that's interesting to know re sight testing. At the moment she's saying there's 'nothing wrong with her eyesight', it may be true but unfortunately she does have form for lying when it's easier than being honest.

My relationship with her isn't flat-out 'bad' but is very complicated, especially as in adult I've come to realise how her personality issues have impacted me. I do love her but I can't relate to the sort of bond other women have with mothers who had more 'typical' personalities and parenting styles. I sort of get why she is the way she is, because I think her own upbringing was very cold and distant and very lacking in emotional warmth, but obviously as a child I used to assume something must be wrong with me as she would say some very damaging things sometimes. A lot of the posts made in the Stately Homes thread really resonate with me, I think she genuinely believes she's been a wonderful mother, but the reality is more nuanced.

Re assisted living I think I'd feel terribly guilty uprooting her from her home at this stage, but obviously I can't predict how things are going to pan out - if, say, she did slide into full-on dementia or need nursing care on a permanent basis, a verbal agreement was made before this move whereby my parents said they understood it would be beyond my resources to provide this, and I would need to 'invoke' that agreement even though I know I'd come out of it feeling like the worst daughter in the world.

I do often find myself feeling, though, that relations might have been less strained all these years if she and my dad had moved into sheltered housing near me and DH, as opposed to actually in with us, but hindsight's everything, I guess.

At the moment she's saying there's 'nothing wrong with her eyesight' She may believe that. It will have happened gradually. My father puts it down to the light not being good enough. keeps wanting bulbs replaced by higher wattage ones.

OP she really needs to live somewhere else.

I'm sorry if this seems harsh - it hit me like a truck when someone first said it to me - but what if she lives another 15 years?

It's quite possible, people are living shockingly long lives.

You cannot ruin more of your life. My mother is a lovely person and helping her is the bane of my life. What it must be like to live with someone who isn't even nice...! You really need to get your life back or you risk not having one.

I agree with the poster above. This needs to stop. You only get one life and your mother is draining the happiness from yours - and you’re unwell. If she loved you she wouldn’t do this, in fact she’d go out of her way not to do this to you. The sad fact is she doesn’t love you - at least not more than she loves getting her own needs met. This is not how a caring mother behaves towards her daughter. You aren’t responsible for her happiness and don’t need to be her servant in order to try to get her approval. You need your own space. You can still care for her from a distance, advocate for her and be kind to her but having her live in your house and dominate your life like this is too much. Please start to take care of yourself because it only gets worse if you let it.

Get her to choose a fortnightly cleaner. Up her rent to cover cost.

I have to agree. This isn't fixable- you've been heroic but you don't have to do this. You already feel guilty and you're doing all you can. 81 is way too young to commit to caring for/living with her especially with your fatigue. But it's enough time to get her a more independent life even if she resists. Maybe a deadline by which you decide if it's workable? Good luck.

My mother is a lovely person and helping her is the bane of my life. Thank you for saying this so simply and clearly. I feel the same about my father.

If she loved you she wouldn’t do this, in fact she’d go out of her way not to do this to you. Not necessarily true (though could be in this case). My father loves me, desperately wants not to be a burden. But he hasn't understood his lack of capacity, and that he's a less of a burden if he lets me do things, or gets people in to help, than if he tries to do it himself. Some of OPs mother's behaviour matches this, eg the desire to do the cleaning herself.

None of this changes the fact that the current situation isn't sustainable. OP, if you were to persuade her to move into assisted living, or to get her own cleaner, and paid carers when she needs them, you might get back to a daughter relationship rather than a servant one. Although you might not feel your particular mother-daughter relationship is worth getting back to!

Sorry, folks, I've only just noticed more responses have been added - I'll come back to this after work, thanks for the input.

@MereDintofPandiculation

My mother is a lovely person and helping her is the bane of my life. Thank you for saying this so simply and clearly. I feel the same about my father.

If she loved you she wouldn’t do this, in fact she’d go out of her way not to do this to you. Not necessarily true (though could be in this case). My father loves me, desperately wants not to be a burden. But he hasn't understood his lack of capacity, and that he's a less of a burden if he lets me do things, or gets people in to help, than if he tries to do it himself. Some of OPs mother's behaviour matches this, eg the desire to do the cleaning herself.

None of this changes the fact that the current situation isn't sustainable. OP, if you were to persuade her to move into assisted living, or to get her own cleaner, and paid carers when she needs them, you might get back to a daughter relationship rather than a servant one. Although you might not feel your particular mother-daughter relationship is worth getting back to!

I had a relative like your father, also lacking in capacity in later years. It’s a fine line between them not ‘understanding’ and actually doing something wilfully because it actually suits them better or chimes in with their idea of themself and ‘not being a burden’. My relative would say she adored me but her choices and insistence on being ‘independent’ made my life hell for four and a half years. She was ill but she was also, at times, very selfish. That’s not love, I would never impose it on my children.

That’s not love, I would never impose it on my children. We all of us like to think that, but who knows what our life will fell like when we reach that stage of decline?

Well, plenty of people reach that stage of decline (and Op's mum isn't that disabled or deteriorated), and don't expect their children to sacrifice their health and independence in order to put their parent's needs first.

From my experience, if someone is able to understand that this type of behaviour from a parent is an imposition, not their god-given right to be looked after by their child(ren), they won't impose it on their own children.

Op, it's up to you. The situation sounds exhausting, toxic and is only going to get worse. I wonder if you need to keep telling yourself that your relationship with your mum isn't all bad and that you love her, in order to avoid doing anything to change the situation?

What does you dh think about this situation? It sounds like it must put quite a strain on your relationship if you're having to cut short holidays with him at her request.

Agree with Christina above.
I think in every relationship like this there is a crunch point. ...a time where it becomes apparent that something has got to give and that adaptions have to be made that reflect what there person is able to do/not do as they get older.
Clearly the situation is getting worse. Take pictures to document.
A cleaner will give you a break but it sounds as if it’s clear to you that she is needing more and more help.
It might help to get some advice fro
Local age concern or similar about what her care plan should be going forward
For the next year
In five years
To plan for the difficulties which seem to be increasing.
My experience has been that if you are the chief caretaker and say to someone, can we get a cleaner/ shall I book at taxi/ shall I book an appointment/ would you consider some kind of sheltered accomodation without all those stairs you can get up or down.....the answer is almost always no due to fear of change, fear of strangers and so nothing improves. The only way is to find the cleaner yourself and introduce them, find the stairless acccomdation yourself etc. You have to anticipate the next hurdle and plan for it... so it’s thinking what’s the best option when she can’t do a b or c...
It’s so hard to go through this but you also need to prioritise your own health and sanity and get as much help in as possible. Good luck