MIL after death of FIL

[Orangeblossom1975]

I'm struggling a bit with MIL after the death of her husband a few months ago. I have tried to be there for her after the death cooking and caring for her, which was fine but now she seems to be looking to me and DH for lifts, advice, to make decisions about everything for her. I am trying to reassure and encourage her but it is becoming really draining.

I think, FIL was quite controlling and she has always turned to him for advice / driving etc so now it is almost like she feels we are there to take his place?

Every day nearly I'm having calls to come round as it is so lonely etc and cooking meals as she doesn't seem to eat / cook for herself as it is 'just her now'

Just wondered if anyone else had had similar. She does have daughters but they seem quite distant. and DH, who works quite a lot.

I'm sorry for you and your husban'd loss. It's been a few months, so I can understand it's very raw for her, but I'd work towards hardening your boundaries. I also have a widowed parent, and the parent who died was the person who did everything and decided everything. I do live an hour's flight away so it's not like your situation, but I think you need to plan for how you can find a level of support that you can sustain over the long term. The more you do now the more likely you are just to burn out.
Could you maybe set up a weekly day out/dinner together where you can sit and chat for a while and discuss how best to support her? can you take her to the odd stately home? (!) If you are proactive about getting in touch and thinking of things to do that work for you, that might head off some of her getting her requests in first, or it can give you a structure within which you can be gentle about not always being available for her. E.g. 'sorry we are not free this evening but we look forward to our lunch on Saturday/having you round at the weekend/whatever.'

How old/frail is she? Can she drive at all, and does she have access to a car? Could she afford to take taxis? Has she been linked up with grief counselling? It was helpful for my parent.

*husband's, sorry for typo

For what it's worth, and depending on her means, just wanted to say my dad also adopted deliveroo wholesale during lockdown and it has made a huge difference for him. He can't really cook and hates cooking and eating by himself.

That's really tough to deal with OP. Condolences on your loss

Do you do her shopping for her? How would she feel about ready meals? Or one of the meal delivery services? That may lessen the 'daily' tasks she seems to be expecting from you?

Does she have any hobbies at all - knitting or anything like that that there might be a local group for (once covid allows)?

There are also services that have volunteers that do a weekly phone call for a chat with people that are isolated or lonely, that might be something to look into? How is she with tech? Does she have a way to video call people?

I think she needs to broaden her support network so it's not just you - but it's getting her to agree to it that's the issue...

I was 52 when my husband was killed in Nov 2017. In my experience she will genuinely need the help. She will be incapable of thinking straight. The grief of losing your partner is all consuming and she is probably just coming out of the shock of losing him.
I look like I am functioning normally, but I'm not. It is a constant struggle. Simple tasks can appear unfathomable.
I think she still, genuinely needs guidance and support while she adjusts to her "new" now.

I have only recently been able to start listening to music. I still can't watch TV and concentrate on the programme. I still can't read books and I was an avid reader. I can't pursue my hobbies. I just can't concentrate. I have "Widow Brain". I am three plus years into the journey now.

Can you just do batch cooked stuff for her to have in the freezer when you cook something for yourself?

It will take some time for her to adjust to being on her own. My MIL moved to an apartment in a retirement village after FIL died, thats helped as there are people around for support and socialising (in normal times, it's all gone a bit pear shaped because of covid) Is that something she could consider?

Sorry, keep forgetting things.
The rest of the family need to step up. You should not be shouldering all the burden.
I second what others have said about ready meals and food deliveries. Could you get Ocado deliveries of M and S ready meals for one?
Hopefully, once lockdown eases she can meet up with friends again and get some support there.

My father always wanted to discuss decisions with me. Nothing to do with a partner being "controlling". It's just that in a close marriage there are all sorts of things you bounce off your partner, and when that partner is gone, there's no-one to bounce decisions off. I realised that was the single most useful thing I could do for him. Cooking, shopping, lifts can all be out-sourced.

How she is feeling is understandable but it is not right that you are having to shoulder the burden of having to respond to her calls all the time when she has daughters and a son and you could all be sharing this. I suggest you speak to your DH and see if he can arrange a zoom call with his sisters to sort out between them how they plan to support their mother so that you don't have to do everything.

Awww, its hard when you lose someone so close. You do need to encourage her to stand on her own two feet but also at the same time make allowances for her grief.

I would spend some time with her to sort bank and direct debits and bills, with a calendar for when things are due (and peoples birthdays/anniversaries etc) buy her some cards to send with stamps, make sure she has an address book. Set her up with an online order for shopping every couple of weeks if weekly no good. I would also make sure whenever I cooked a meal to try and freeze a portion for her, not too big but so she can just reheat in a microwave, encourage her on a phone call to get one out of the freezer for tea each day.

ITs more tricky at the moment to find groups for chats etc but is there someone she can meet for a short walk coffee in hand, is there something she can do for you? Plant up some seeds, research something, walk the dog, take the kids to the park? Its a balance between babying and caring, feeling useful and useless, feeling cared for but not overwhelming or being tied down too much.

I think your DH needs to also speak to his sisters to at least call her regularly and if not sending a card with a note or little parcels even if its just a fav bar of chocolate or packet of biscuits as a treat

Oh Christ
This is painful just to hear, I suffered so much with it after dad died. I think I have blocked it out.

My understanding is yes, it is very common. My friends told me there was light at the end of the tunnel and in some cases they meant four years!

It doesn't help really for someone else's burden to spoil your life. I suspect that's why the others keep out of her way.

Ask for a family meeting on how to deal with it. Mum has actually learned to take pride in not being hapless but it's taken a fucking age. Sis and I were united in saying "you need to learn to do things".

The main thing she needed to learn was to live alone. We are lucky that we are too far to pop in though some people would disagree with that.

I do think it must be horrendous in Covid but I have visited bereaved friends during this time - a visit on compassionate grounds is legal. Are her friends using it as an excuse?

Your DH needs to be involved and involve his sisters.

@user1493494961

Your DH needs to be involved and involve his sisters.

But they may well be standing back for a reason. They may be less naive than I was and know how to protect their sanity!

Thanks for the replies

As well of this I do have my own parents to consider who are delerly and separated living in rural places. So I do things for them too and have my own children one who I'm supporting through exams just now. The problem is my husbands sisters are going through difficult times themselves right now so hopefully that will change with time. I'm concerned she may get too dependant on me.

He was controlling actually, in terms of finances and decisions so think that is meaning she is struggling along with the grief. I'm going to try arranging certain times / days in the weeks and asking if she needs food delivered. I do that for one of my parents as well already so could do it at the same time perhaps. Just feeling a bit overwhelmed with it all.

"Just feeling a bit overwhelmed with it all."

I think we cross posted a bit but that's exactly why you need to set boundaries. Looking after mum has changed my life completely, that's with boundaries in place. Look after yourself too.

Thanks AcornAutumn yes think that will be more manageable. And encouraging her to do things herself as well. Because if people come to rely on others for things they can lose the feeing of being able to do it themselves / independently and it can be hard to get back. I have seen this with another family member. It's a difficult balance but we will try and get there.