DF upset and anxious (dementia) when we visit. Distressing all round

[medlarmeddler]

DF has been in nursing home for 10 days after a stay in hospital as he deteriorated so rapidly into severe dementia from being pre-diagnosis and a bit forgetful in the space of ten days. He has advanced Parkinson's but he had an MRI and has Lewy bodies, vascular dementia, and evidence of past mini-strokes.

My DPs moved in with us 6 months ago and we all expected a few years of us supporting them so they could relax a bit from responsibilities of their house.

I have to say to my great guilt that I am really finding visiting incredibly distressing and depressing. he is crying and anxious and upset when he sees us, the change in him is horrendous. Today he thought he was in a polygamous marriage with me and my DM, which I can laugh about now - but which I find hard to let wash over me TBH. He was also repeatedly crying and saying he was sorry for 'all the trouble he's caused' and that he 'hasnt honoured his wife'. Last week he told a psychiatrist from the memory clinic that he had been suicidal recently because he'd had an affair (obvs he hasn't and the person he mentioned is a woman he knew 50 years ago who has lived thousands of miles away for 40 years).

And that's just when he's able to put a sentence together - mostly it he's talking gobbledegook.

I am struggling with my repelled feelings and I have to take my DM to see him twice a week. Before they moved in I'd see them every couple of months.

I need a vent :-(

Have you spoken to staff? Hard though it is if he is generally settled then actually visiting may not be the best for him. I know it is controversial but when my Dad was struggling the psychiatrist prescribed medication to calm him. Sure it made him a bit woozy and less responsive but that was so much better than him being distressed.

Thanks, they can prescribe meds for when he is agitated, I think they will be sure he's been quite agitated and aggressive.

He phoned half an hour ago (just after I posted ( and demanded to know why he been left there with no coat or money and where was he going to sleep? Can't to member his room or anything but the room he's in. Says the women looking after him are 'responsible for giving him a beating' (they are not of course). As a child he was in care and I think may have experienced abuse.

It all comes back to haunt you. Heartbreaking.

That really is heartbreaking and all the more so for it being so sudden. How is your mum?

I'm so so, sorry, this must be desperately upsetting for you.
But it may be helpful to realise that there may be no veracity to his "truth"
I am thinking of you. X

@medlarmeddler so sorry to hear about DF’s sudden deterioration. Just in case it hasn’t been checked, has he had a urine sample checked for infection? A urine infection can exacerbate symptoms of confusion in the elderly quite significantly. 💐

My DM is upset. We've had a drink and a chat. He was up all night for the weeks before he went to hospital so she was exhausted but now it's a lot to take in.

The thing is he's not experiencing violence now but being institutionalised is taking him right back to when he was as a child

I'm so sorry.

My mum's best friend had to stop visiting her husband in the end: he was quite aggressive towards her and it just unsettled them both so much that it didn't benefit either of them.

Are the staff at the nursing home helpful? It might be that it's better for you not to visit if he's getting distressed. I know from a friend's experience with her mum that each stage passed relatively quickly so I hope that soon he will have changed again. I'm so sorry for you and your mum.

So sad. I would try and enter his reality by saying in a commanding voice "That's terrible. I know exactly what to do. I will sort that situation out for you right now so don't give it another thought."