Toxic relationship with mother

[OliveBlue]

Does anyone else have an awful relationship with their mother?

I’m years beyond the point of being sick of it. I lived with my dad growing up, after my mum left when I was a child. For years she put herself first over me as her child. She’s fallen out with everyone that used to be around her. She can’t keep friends for long. She can’t handle money well at all. She’s depressed and I’m pretty sure has other mental health issues that she’ll never get help for.

Now she expects me to put her first in life, now that she has poor health (smoked her whole life, causing many related health issues) which I can’t feel sorry for her about, as she did it to herself, and otherwise she just isn’t a very nice person. She’s an angry and sad person who seems to rely on me for her happiness, and now my daughter.

My husband says I am too nice as I still have her in my life. If she was a friend and not family you just wouldn’t.

She’s passive aggressive toward me and always comments negatively. We have had times where our relationship was positive. But overall it’s negative. I can never do anything right.

Now I have a daughter, and she’s my priority. I now don’t even respond to a lot of my mothers messages, and our relationship is even more strained. I don’t have her on social media because of past times where she posts aggressive things towards me.

Not really sure what I’m asking here, just perhaps if anyone else has any similar experiences, or advice?

Been nc almost 20 years. She can get old (71)and as cantankerous as she wants. I won't be there to witness it. ... No law says I have to!

My only advice would be to keep contact to only what you can cope with. If you are not responding to all her messages that's a start. What is your contact like re visits or phone calls or emails? How close does she live to you? Your husband and daughter are your priority especially if your mother wasnt there for you as a child. Boundaries that you can cope with and stick to them.

@doodleZ1 she unfortunately lives quite close by.

Covid has meant that the last year I've kept contact even more limited. But she's still visited as a (reluctant) bubble.

I do respond but just don't say very much and she's kicked off again the last few days and being childish so I just responded with basic messages that ignored her comments and passive aggressiveness. There is nothing I can say that is the right thing. Ignoring her comments angers her but getting into an argument does the same. She just wants constant sympathy and I literally have no energy for it any more.

She doesn't understand that I'm busy in life. Last week she was meant to visit but I had to put her off due to reasons that anyone else would understand but it's triggered another one of her childish episodes.

To be fair when she does visit she never stays long but has now accused me of not letting her get to know her granddaughter.

I'm just at the end of my abilities to be bothered to deal with her anymore. It all takes up too much mind space.

@Easterbunnygettingready how did you go no contact?

Does she ever try to contact you now?

She flounced... Didn't hear a word for ten years. 10 years!! Had cause to contact her (legal matter).. Managed to reconcile in a fashion.. Regretted it within a fortnight .. She hadn't changed. Still critical and offensive. Think calling my recent dc by different names as didn't like the ones I had chosen.. I told her unfortunately I was unable to continue having any sort of relationship with her. She did send a Woe Is Me letter. I just binned it. Been 9 years.. She sends cards to the dc with small cheques in at Xmas and birthdays...
Compensation imo!!

I have a difficult relationship with my mum. She shows narcissist traits..... for the vast majority of the time I am no contact .... occasionally she’ll email be about something random. I do get upset as I wish I had a mum I could phone up and have a chat with - if I phone her she never asks how we are- just complains about things to do with her own life. She’ll never change hence me distancing myself as much as possible. She’s missing out on forming bonds with her grand children and shows no interest in them :( It’s sad all round.

@mummywithtwokidsplusdog
I completely relate to wishing I had a normal relationship with my mum. I used to be able to call for a normal chat, but it's always been a risk as I expect comments / complaints / constant negativity.
She seems to expect me to make things better for her, but I'm not responsible for her happiness.

How do you manage the no contact? I find it difficult to actually fully cut her off. I did it once for about 6 months. Before that she's done the same to me multiple times for up to around a year.

Just feel like I need to cut her out again as I just have other priorities now, and the mind space it takes up is unhealthy.

The statelyhomes thread on relationships board could be a good source of support and advice for you

@KevinBaconsMoustache thank you I'll have a look.

I completely relate to wishing I had a normal relationship with my mum. I used to be able to call for a normal chat.

Funny but it's not that I miss, the thing that sometimes gets to me is society's presumption that all Mother Daughter relationships are wonderful and you are obviously best friends.

You've had some great advice on her already and I really would consider going NC. She's never going to change, no matter what you do.

Being mostly NC is fairly straight forward as my mum doesn’t make any effort to visit/phone etc .... I feel guilty with Mother’s Day coming up... but what’s the point sending a card.... I refuse to say things that aren’t true.

@BunnyRuddington I feel that too regarding societies expectations.

Thanks, I've now found the Stately Homes thread thanks to @KevinBaconsMoustache - it's like a revolution reading some of the posts, maybe I'll gather the ability to go NC...

@mummywithtwokidsplusdog this reminds me of the fact that I've always hunted down the most basic Mother's Day card, each year looking for the one with the least words in, as I never want to say anything like "thanks" or anything sentimental or as you say, basically untrue! ...

‘In real life’ I only have one friend who has a less than ‘normal’ relationship with her Mum..... I hope you feel less alone as a result of this and the stately homes thread. Sending you

this reminds me of the fact that I've always hunted down the most basic Mother's Day card, each year looking for the one with the least words in, as I never want to say anything like "thanks" or anything sentimental or as you say, basically untrue! ...

You know that's why they sell them right? There are lots of us out there that do exactly the same