Thoughts on Moving In, or not, with Mother

[MsJinks]

Hi - I’ve posted a couple of times re caring for my parents. Unfortunately, they both ended up in hospital and then were intended to go to rehab together for assessment. Sadly my Dad passed away, but my Mum is now being discharged from her rehab. I have dealt with the funeral, am sorting the house and my Dad’s estate, as best I can - my Mum just said for me to see to it all. That’s fine, however I have just found she thinks I will be living with her, and when I have to work my kids will be with her, alternatively she told her friend I’m retiring soon - I’m not! The care home knows I can’t provide her care and are putting a package in place around that - but this is just 4 calls a day, and possibly a night one. Unfortunately my mum is not independently mobile - despite telling therapists she was walking around she had been in bed for months - so she will be moved from bed to chair on the re-turn as part of the care but effectively stuck wherever left. She also has never been on her own and was very well looked after - everything she wanted - provided by my dad.
She was told re the package yesterday and needs me to call her - tried and phone off so far - I expect this is the conversation re me being there for her. I had planned to visit every other day and obviously have to run the home etc but now wondering if that’s just not enough and unfair. I could stay with her - I’m single and my youngest adult daughter lives with me and my fat cat. I work and need to continue working but don’t do anything amazing outside work that is more important than helping others. On the other hand we don’t have the best relationship- I just watch what she wants and agree with her etc - she’s old and I’m not resolving early differences now. she tends to need more when I’m there, so I was getting up 5-6 times a night to do her toilet which I literally can’t do and would fit my evening and weekend around her needs. If it were short term then obviously no question but it could be years which sounds awful of me but wondering how long I can do it without resentment. If I refuse it will really really upset her and she may well just refuse to see me/take any help - and why would I leave someone in a pickle really? Anyway this is a big decision that either way I might regret and more importantly either way will impact on someone else’s life - an elderly vulnerable person’s.
Just wondered if anyone had done this? Been in this situation? I’m 55 by the way and won’t be retiring yet - neither can kids help as they have jobs/kids/live at a distance - they will visit but can’t care.

You're doing great. Don't start anything you aren't prepared to do for the next ten years, day in day out. I do a fair bit for my mother and she takes it for granted that I will jump every time she asks, including phone calls in the night. Interestingly she never did anything for her own mother who was in a care home from late 70s.

@constantly - thank you - interestingly it was my dad who did weekly visits to my mum’s parents, and there was no thought of having my nan when my grandad passed away - she was in a geriatric ward for about 3 years. When he was first ill there was discussion around him getting carers to help, not my parents though. I guess my mum would see it as different as my nan had full on dementia, which needed 24/7 by then. Dreading thought of me being expectant - I am clear enough now that I won’t demand, but maybe it changes 🤦🏻‍♀️
I do feel so sad her whole life has gone or her expectations of it, and suddenly - as it’s like they never thought about this, despite my mum’s own parents circumstances- and neither really recognised my mum really won’t walk again - or accepted their jollies and interests wouldn’t return 😞

It’s very hard. Mil constantly said “ we didn’t ask for this” constantly after fil had a stroke. Grieving for a lost way of life. 🌺🌺