Lonely mum how can I help ?

[Itsallsonew]

My brother had mental disability so he livedwith my parents and had an accident and died in 2016, my dad died of a heart attack a year and a half later leaving my mum alone. I have always tried to help and visit as much as I can. Then my brothers wife died of cancer November 2019, and I split with my husband January 2020. Then obviously Covid happened feb. I ring my mum every day but with working full time and the children it’s not always easy. I try to visit but it’s difficult with Covid as she is at risk. She keeps crying and my brother is doing his best but has his own children to look after from losing their mum. I just don’t really know what to do. I shop for her I call her every day, I take her flowers I do my best but she is sad and lonely and I am at a loss. I feel like I have to block out the grief a bit so I can function because I miss everyone who died too.

I'm sorry OP that's really hard for you
How old is your mum and how is her health etc.
Did she have any hobbies / friendship groups pre covid?

Would she like something like a telephone befriender from Age UK?
www.ageuk.org.uk/services/befriending-services/
I think in non Covid times they do face to face.
Could you get her a cheap tablet or something to video call and she can be part of you meal times as if she's sat at your table with you eating her meal as well?
Are there any hobbies you could encourage to pass her time? Jigsaws, knitting, quiz books, painting, cross stitch, baking etc

It’s really hard and I’ve nothing useful to say really, but I wanted to send you a hug. It must be so tough for you too. Does she have any friends around she can speak to?

Hi @sorryiasked she is 75 and not really keen to mix and almost disabled. A bit set in her ways maybe scared. But Covid has come at the worst time :(

@gretagreengrapes I have tried with WhatsApp etc she just doesn’t understand:( and she refuses any help. She is very arthritic so that limits a lot. She still bakes but is so lonely I just don’t feel I am enough or really what she needs

@HoneyroarThank you @honey roar I think Covid has affected everyone it’s a rough time x

You say she’s not keen to mix. Does that mean she doesn’t have many friends? Obviously, Covid has made the situation even more difficult, but it’s not healthy for her (and puts a huge load on your and your brother’s shoulders) if her only social contact is with you. I’d echo what others have said about encouraging her or nudging her towards hobbies or local groups which might start up again after lockdown.

COVID has unfortunately affected a lot of older people in terrible ways.
I work in a nursing home and even though staff are around 24 hours a day I can see the sadness in their eyes, they miss there loved ones and it's heartbreaking to see.
My own mum who lives at home alone is also lovely and deteriorated a lot this year. I don't know what the answer is I just hope this awful mess fuc*s off soon. I worry about my mum each and everyday she is a shadow of her formal self and I know the main issue is pure loneliness, I have asked her to move in with me but she doesn't want to leave her house which I totally understand but it doesn't stop me worrying about her

Would she consider moving into a residential home where there are other people she can chat to ?

I know from what happened last year a lot of people might think they aren't safe but now the staff should have PPE and residents first to be offered vaccination .

My mum lives in dementia care but they have assisted living as well and they still have full activities programme within the home .

Also I know most people will look upon this as last resort , and I did too until my parents had no choice to move , but I honestly think it's been really good for mum.

I was originally thinking would some kind of sheltered housing help her but I think with Covid that they have probably stopped the social element which she sounds like is what she needs .

The other thing is if she keeps crying, would she benefit from any anti depressants, may be encourage her to speak to her GP?

Bloody hell what a hard few years for your family!!

This is such a tough time and to be honest I’m not sure there is any easy answer to support your mum. I imagine with loosing a husband and a child that she will struggle no matter what. There’s a limit to what you can provide for her so don’t feel you have to be her everything....just so what you can.

Can you get a simple tablet set up to drop off with her. Maybe do a door step explanation of how to answer a video call. Then the kids could call her daily or you could do different things like chat to her while she bakes etc. Maybe some fun things like sending her a craft to do at home or a new book that she and you can read at the same time and talk about over the phone?

It’s difficult. My mum is older and disabled and very reluctant to socialise or do anything or go anywhere. Luckily she has my dad but I could well see myself in your shoes if my dad passed.

No advice - I’m in a similar position. My father died 6 months before COVID. My mum relied heavily on him for practical things and for company. I tried to get her going to age uk meet ups which were facilitated by a lady who seemed very kind. She refused to go. Then Covid hit and her mobile has rapidly declined to the point that she could not get out even if she wanted to. Age uk offer a phone buddy service but she refuses that too. I ring, shop, clean, organise her bills and money, take care of the garden and house, cook once a week - the list goes on. She can barely use a bar mobile phone and numerous attempts with a tablet have been fruitless. I don’t live close either. I work full time and now have a child to home educate. Sometimes I feel I’m barely coping but a strange thing has happened - a barrier came down and I don’t get as upset about her loneliness as I used to. I accept it more than I thought I would be able to. Self preservation perhaps. I do try to organise a few things to brighten the days and mark the weeks - a magazine subscription, library books, an advent calendar with silly gifts in the drawers. I’ve just bought her a personal DVD player too as she can’t cope with the dvd she has connected with the telly. Would I be happier if she was safe in sheltered accommodation with a gang of elderly pals? For sure however she doesn’t want to move and I can understand that. I think I’ve had to learn and accept that she’s not a child, I can’t make her do anything and I think in realising that I’ve surrendered a bit of my own sadness and guilt.

Could you get her an alexa show or something similar? My elderly relative only really uses one to answer video calls by saying "alexa answer" or pressing a button but it's been money well spent.