I've been estranged from my parents pretty much since I turned 18. They have, since then, kept themselves to themselves and accepted this. My siblings are also in the same position as me.
I am aware (through general family updates) that their health was declining over the last few years. They have, by all accounts, never been good at keeping a tidy home or eating reasonably well etc and they were both heavily dependent on alcohol and cigarettes.
My father passed away two weeks ago. My siblings and I were notified through family channels. They have insisted that this changes nothing with their relationship with our mother and respect that.
I visited my mother two days after my father's death in order to check in and see what, if any, practical support is now needed that she is alone.
After talking with her, she has been caring for him and he has been bed bound for around 2 years.
Their home was shocking. Years upon years of litter, cigarette ash, soiled clothing, newspapers, food packaging piled up everywhere. I knew it would be bad as I recall my own childhood home. She knew I was coming to see her.
With her permission, I cleared as much of the obvious rubbish as was possible but it is not a task for one person. I am also mindful of the fact that this isn't simply a situation where I clean the house then leave and she can handle it from there. This is a deep seated issue.
Whilst I have no intentions of rekindling a relationship of any sort (the boat has sailed on that a long time ago), she is alone. And if I don't try and sort this out, who will?
I'm thinking along the lines of some sort of social worker or possibly even a move into a shelter block - she has medical issues that hinder her ability to go upstairs in her house even.
She is a Housing Association tenant on some benefits but I'm not sure what. She has intimated that she can afford to buy in help so that's another thing - if I was able to get the property to a reasonable standard, is there a way to get someone / carers in?
She isn't washing or changing her clothes. I daren't imagine when the last time she changed her sheets.
I contacted our local council about an assessment and was brutally honest on the forms, yet they have decided that she doesn't meet the requirements for assessment.
Even the paramedics who attended when my father passed noted that she was clearly not coping (she told me this and said she tried to tell them otherwise however they can see from the condition of her home).
At the same time my siblings are adamant that my father's death changes nothing. That they want nothing to do with her. Frankly, I don't either. But equally I cannot leave her completely alone seeing just how much she is not able to cope. I need to find a middle ground.
And I have no idea where to turn.