Dad in Home & Mothers Behaviour

[HC4U]

Good evening, I would welcome some thoughts. My Dad in a nhome last stages of dementia. Mother narcisstic and a lot younger than my Dad. Long long story of toxic behaviour and her treatment of my Dad in his last year at home was heartbreaking. Fast forward now and my Dad only gets visits to the window of his nhome. Last week I was visiting my Dad and my mother happened to be there ahead of me and I witnessed first hand her still undermining him, speaking as if he should know who she is and asking him questions and getting frustrated he wouldn't answer her. My Dad cannot speak now, feed himself, barely knows who we are etc. I was so upset and asked her to stop. Its not a case of her not accepting his illness. She was downright horrible. I just feel so upset and literally torn. She lives on her own and I guess I feel guilty if I don't visit her or call her. But its getting to the stage I just want to spend the rest of my visit time with my Dad. Its a long journey to the nhome. We always had a close relationship which I know she was/is jealous about. But to witness last week her behaviour was awful. I could see my Dad was upset he could clearly sense it even through a window open. The staff even notice that he is not fully content when she visits. I feel for her too as I know she is clearly not a kind person towards him. I feel I need to visit every week too as she never rings to let me know how my Dad is. Its all a game with her. I guess this evening I just felt really sad that in reality my Dad won't be around for ever and during this awful time of Covid he also has to have that behaviour. Thanks for listening.

I wonder if the staff would help...maybe they could rush her visits a bit? Speak to them...ask them to be present if possible?

Ask the home manager to suggest DM doesn't come so often by explaining how much her visits upset DF.

Family visits causing stress is not uncommon, by the way, and this gives everyone a dignified get-out clause for less contact.

Thank you. I slept on it last night and today I do think and after chatting to my brothers this morning, we do feel we need to have a proper chat to the staff about it. Our Dad is our priority at the minute. We agreed too that my brothers would have a word with my Mum and leave me out of the conversation. A good idea I think as it may be listened too better. Who knows but worth a try. Watching him visibly unsettled and upset is not what anyone wants. Thank you for taking the time to respond. Take care.

Don't feel guilted into being in contact with your DM either.

It is such an awful time for you, don't let your DM exploit your grief and feelings of guilt. Make sure you have secure boundaries with her.

My "D"M is very similar

Thank you. Its definitely a sensitive, emotional situation and time. Throw in trying to be kind and patient and sometimes it just all gets a bit much. When I look back on things my mother was never there for us emotionally and now fast forward all these years she still seems to have some hold over us. But her behaviour has been dreadful the past few years and my poor Dad still gets the blunt of it. It beggars belief how self absorbed she is. I used to always make excuses for her behaviour but now when outsiders see it, I need to really establish that I won't change her but I can change my behaviour towards her. I rang the nhome yest evening and have made an appointment with the manager for next week for a proper discussion. Very difficult time for nhomes too and I guess all the more reasons to have their resident my Dad feeling content at all times. Thank you again and takecare

I think you're doing the right thing HC4U. Let us know how you get on

Thank you! I have had a chat with the nmanager this morning and I hadn't realised that it was becoming so very obvious to the staff that there was tension between my parents and that Dad was not the same when I visited or before Covid when my brothers did. I felt so sad to hear it. Isn't it strange how we know things but its only when others flag them it really hits you? I also explained too that I would visit when she was if that made things better, although they noted then that this was changing the dynamic for my visit with my Dad. So we agreed that we would keep a close eye on it and that when my Mum is visiting a staff member is going to be very close by. So lets hope that works. Its not an easy time for anyone . My mother is battling her own demons for sure and finds its difficult or at least thats what I am trying to process it as!! Thank you for your advise.