Bad mobility and non accessible house

[Frazzledmummy123]

Hi everyone,
I would like to hear your thoughts on my situation and perhaps advice on how to handle it. Sorry for length, please bear with me

I have no siblings and live a few miles away from my parents. I dont have the best relationship with them due to some elements of narcissism. My mum can be difficult and likes her own way all the time, and they are both very stubborn.

Until a few years ago they both kept very well and were very active and spritely for their ages (80 and 83). However over last few years my dad has lost a lot of his mobility. He can barely walk, just shuffles along as his legs are very stiff. He has terrible balance, and also struggles to get up from sitting down. He has a walking stick which my mum claims he doesn't need and he only got it after a minor fall aftwr years of denial that he needed one. Recently this has progressed on to his legs giving way underneath him if standing unsupported for a short while. This gets played down as 'he just overbalanced' even though both my husband and I have witnessed it happen.

My parents live in a semi detached house with no downstairs toilet. He has a lot of toilet issues too so uses the stairs a lot. A stair lift is out the question (not that they would agree to getting one anyway) as the stairway has a curve and my dad sits down very clumsily so it wouldnt be safe. There is a large stairway up to the front door and a long steep path which he struggles up and down. The house is between two steep hills so his only access out of the house is by car and he will be practically housebound when he stops driving.

My mum moans to me constantly about how hard it is living there, how getting a gardener is difficult as 'they are unreliable', taking the wheelie bin down the path is so hard as it is too heavy, telling me I am to start driving and get a car for when my dad stops (i dont drive). Yesterday my dad fell (sorry, 'overbalanced' ) when in toilet and hit his head. He is ok thankfully and i was only told because he had a bruise on his head. I bet there are lots of falls i'm not being told about.

I am worried sick, and I know it is hard and not easy but I dont think that house is suitable for them. I think they should be living in a more accessible place. His legs could give way on the stairs which is a big worry. My mums way of coping with things she doesnt like is to pretend it isn't happening and this is all they have both done since my dads mobility has gone downhill. The only forward thinking they have done is to plan for me to get a car when he stops driving. When time comes my mum will do what she ways does when cant avoid something and go into a panic, and will be wailing to me how isolated she is.

I will of course help when I can but I have 3 young kids and I feel horrible saying this, they are doing nothing to help themselves apart from denying there is anything wrong at all. I have tried to voice my concerns to them but i just get defensiviness and sarcastic remarks.

Am I being unreasonable to think they are not living sensibly, and selfish to expect me to be the answer to their isolation?

They need to move. They probably know this deep down but it is hard to move when you are doing it for these reasons because you are constantly facing your own mortality. My parents spent a long time looking at houses with better access for this very reason (phew!) and then decided that they weren't at that stage yet.....(they are!) It is hard. I think you just have to keep on at them about it until the message really sinks in.

@Hollybutnoivy

They need to move. They probably know this deep down but it is hard to move when you are doing it for these reasons because you are constantly facing your own mortality. My parents spent a long time looking at houses with better access for this very reason (phew!) and then decided that they weren't at that stage yet.....(they are!) It is hard. I think you just have to keep on at them about it until the message really sinks in.

Thank you, I am glad I am not overreacting to be thinking they should move. At first I would have agreed with you that deep down they'll know the truth but I actually dont know hearing some of what they (especially my mum says). They seem to have convinces themselves so hard that they are ok to live there.

I doubt they will ever move, as they will never face up to what is happening. It is a very difficult situation as like you say, the reason they would be moving isn't a nice one.

They are adults and assuming that they are mentally competent they can make their own decisions and live with the consequences. Your standard answer becomes "do we have to talk about this again, well move then" or "well it's your choice to live here" or "you know what I think about this but it's your decision". You may find that the conversation ends really quickly. They have choices and if they choose to remain there then they deal with all that comes with it. They don't get to decide that you drive by the way, that's for you to choose if you want to. If you don't want to then they have the option of community transport or taxis.

If you don't want to drive and their vision of their future hinges on you and a car then tell them now that it won't be happening. They could move to somewhere near a bus stop (which is what I plan to do in my later years having seen two sets of relatives cling to houses that were no longer a good fit for them)

If your parents will agree to it then contact your local adult social care team for an Occupational Therapy assessment. They can look at both short and longer term solutions and have the re housing conversation if necessary.

Also stair lifts can be fitted to curved stairs and the OT can look at how your dad sits down as part of the assessment. There is a means tested grant called a disabled facilities grant that can pay for adaptations if your parents qualify.

Also an equipment that is prescribed as part of the assessment will be given free of charge and can be sent back at any time. That often helps with the assessment process.

While they still have the capacity to make decisions then they are able to decide to stay in their home. The prospect of moving is often overwhelming and they are digging their heels in. As a pp suggested come back with comments such as ‘you know my thoughts on this’ or ‘when you’re ready to move you know I’ll help you’ but be clear that driving isn’t a thing you’re prepared to do for them.

Practically in the long term I’m wondering if your dad will end up falling and needing medical care which may force their hand into accepting that that house isn’t the house for them. He sounds as though he could do with a commode downstairs to make the journeys upstairs less frequent. I’m assuming they would hate this idea though!!

One step at a time op. You can only deal with what’s facing you on a daily basis.

I can relate. I have had a time of it with my parents. I referred them to Adult Social Care, found them a cleaner and helped setting up online shopping and got them to agree to a stair lift and commode in bedroom.
Social care were great and fitted various handrails and adaptations. Cleaner came once and then they said that was enough. DM sent the carer away the first morning she arrived to help get her up!
So... I feel I've tried. I honestly suggest as PP say you get used to repeating a stock phrase. Mine is 'Well you did refuse to look at the retirement flats' and 'you did choose to not have carers'. As adults your parents do have mental capacity and a right to make their own decisions.
I agree, it is very worrying and I feel many old people are pushed into leaving their homes after they've had a fall. It shouldn't be like that but it must be a reluctance to accept old age and as PP said mortality

I am thankful for lockdown in that there is only so much help I can do

Unfortunately it often takes a crisis to force a change. when people have capacity, they are allowed to make stupid decisions.

Your standard answer becomes "do we have to talk about this again, well move then" or "well it's your choice to live here" or "you know what I think about this but it's your decision". agree with this 100% as a response when your mum moans.

A stair lift is out the question (not that they would agree to getting one anyway) as the stairway has a curve and my dad sits down very clumsily so it wouldnt be safe. You can fit a stairlift to a curve, it's quite a normal thing to do. Alternatively, today's lifts are modular and don't take up much space.

Unfortunately, with a history of falls, the next move is often into a care home, and nobody with their own life and interests would want that.

On the other hand, you could point out that moving somewhere flatter and less dangerous would postpone the care home option.

They need an Ot and physio assessment. Some areas also offer a falls prevention service.
Why is your DF falling so often? My first thought would be trying to get to the bottom of that.
You need to contact adult Social services and the GP.

If he is struggling to get up then a riser chair might be ideal
My dad has a recliner / riser and because he struggles to stand
The riser gets him to a standing position and then he uses his Walker to move around