Depressed and dependent mum, what do I do?

[Miamooch]

My mother is in her mid 50s and I am 21 in my third year out of four at university in the uk.

She was diagnosed with depression in her teens and has been the same ever since. She has had two children, me and my brother who is 5 years older than me and lives with his girlfriend, her children and his baby son. My brother and I have different fathers but we aren’t in touch with either of them as my mum and dad split when I was 2 and I haven’t seen him since.

Lockdown 3.0 has meant I had to stay home with her after Christmas and I’m finding it very hard. Not only do I miss the friends I live with at university (we are very close and I see them as my sort of family) but I have been having a bit of a quarter life crisis, thinking about the future and realising where my life is likely to go if I carry on living the way I do.

My mum is very dependent on me as she doesn’t like to be alone. When I’m at university (about a hour and a half away) I come home every other weekend at her request, sometimes more frequently, and she likes for us to call everyday for usually at least an hour. It’s been this way for over two years now and I have always resented it but am not very good at or very used to confronting her.

I know that if I don’t do something soon she will continue to rely on me too much and I won’t live the life I want to and I’ll become just like her.

I have recently told her that I want to go back to my university flat for a few weeks because I’ve been feeling very down and quite lost recently, and I feel it would do me good and it’s what I need for my mental health. She said that I was being selfish and only thinking of myself, she said “how do you think I feel?” “Everyone is feeling the same” and “you’re going to leave me here on my own in lockdown?” she also said she didn’t like the way I told her (it took me days to work up the courage to say it to her and by this time I was very nervous and just happy I got it out) and the timing, because it was late at night (this is a criticism she has used before when I’ve said things she didn’t want to hear.) She said it made her very angry that I even said it.

I feel like I’m not in control of my life and have long had an unacknowledged feeling that I simply can’t do anything unless my mum agrees, and that I couldn’t be happy is she wasn’t. I wanted to get a part time job at uni in my first year and she told me I could get one on the weekends because that’s when I came home and she had to see me every other weekend, she actually said I couldn’t and I just took it and ended up never getting a job because there were so few available because of my lack of flexibility with hours.

She often talks about how she wants someone to cuddle up with at night and would like a partner for company. I’d love it if she could find someone because I really want her to be happy and because it would take the pressure off me to keep her company so much. I have suggested she try online dating but she won’t.

I feel so exhausted and have broke down crying so many times in the last month thinking about the state of my life and how I have no control over it. It’s like she thinks I don’t have the right to be happy if she isn’t, and I have started to believe it myself.

It is also worth mentioning that she has fibromyalgia which means she sometimes gets bouts of pain all over her body which stops her from doing things.

She has a few friends, all of whom are either married or in relationships and don’t have as much free time as her. Her long term depression and physical illness has prevented her from getting a job and she really needs to feel needed, hence why a partner would be so good for her. However she is overweight and quite insecure about her body.

Sorry this is such a long post, I have friends to talk to but none of them really understand my situation and it’s good to get out off my chest. What do I do? I feel such guilt at wanting to leave her but I am so miserable here. Any advice would be fantastic! And if you’re in the same boat let’s talk, you’re not alone. Thank you :)

Oh my word! Poor you.

Firstly mid 50s is not elderly in any way shape or form! This may not be the right board for you.

However, I'm in my 50s and have student children. My priority is their happiness over mine. Alway has been, always will be. That doesn't mean I'm a martyr, it's just parental instinct.

I think your mother has been selfish and you have been very patient.
University should be a great time for you. It's especially difficult to make the most of everything with Covid but you should try.

You need to get back to Uni. If necessary lie and say you need resources there or face to face lectures are restarting.

Then phone her daily. You shouldn't go,home on weekends with current restrictions but if you do, make it alternate weekends, then one in three etc.

You being at home hasn't helped your mum change, diet, help herself etc, so you may as well be away. You can't be her life coach. She probably knows what to do to help herself. By all means encourage her to look after herself, see the GP for a review, lose weight etc.

But these next two years at Uni are vital for you. You need to make a break with your mum. Gently and slowly and not permanently.

Your mother has been selfish but there again depression doesn't leave you much space for considering other people. Is she being treated for her depression?

Taking a utilitarian view, only one person is going to be happy, and there's not reason why that should be your mother rather than you. And in fact, your being there isn't making her happy. So stop sacrificing your life, and make sure at least one happy person comes out of this situation.

and she really needs to feel needed Being looked after by you isn't going to make her feel needed, rather the reverse.

OP, you are 100% NOT responsible for her happiness. I am so sorry she is putting you through this. It is a form of emotional bullying though it is probably completely unintentional. Depressed people often don't realise what a drain they are on loved ones. But they are a drain.

It is not selfish of you to want to return to uni. You have a right to pursue your own life at this age and to do so without guilt. that's the hard part. you have to steel yourself and realise her life is not your responsibility, and her guilting you is unjust.

Go back to uni. Call her every other day not every day. Get your brother to call her on days you don't. Come home once a month. Get your bro to skype call with his family one of the weekends you don't come home. You could see if there are any services in her local area that support depressed people living alone. It will be hard for her to do this and if she is already depressed, that's tricky. But, and this is crucial: you will end up as down as her if you don't take steps to protect yourself from being her carer.

Can I suggest, unnatural as it feels at first, that you put up a bit of a neutral emotional front when dealing with her. If she starts saying; You're selfish, either don't respond or say very calmly, 'No. I am not selfish to want to study at uni any more than you are selfish for wanting me at home. You and me have different needs right now. For the past few months I have lived in a way that I hoped made you happy. Now it's my turn to live in the way that makes me happy. What I really want is for us both to be happy in our own homes and our own lives.' Make it clear to her that it's not leaving her that makes you happy it's being there - subtly different things.

But do go. You have one life. She has no right to trap you as her live in entertainer and emotional support. That is not a loving or adult choice for a parent to make.

@Labobo says it very eloquently. Those are exactly the points I was going to make. Wishing you well at all times.

Oh goodness. I'm 57 and my daughter and son 27 and 25. As parents we should never depend on our children. Mine now complain I never call them rather than the other way round.
It's really difficult just now but your mum needs to find her own entertainment. It's really difficult, I was widowed and did use my daughter especially as someone who's company I craved but I have got out and met new people and now have a partner myself.

You are going to have to be firm here. You shouldn't be coming home every other weekend unless YOU want to. You need to tell her you love her but you cannot call every day for an hour as you have studying and socialising to do. So gradually cut it down. Good luck

I am the same age as your mum, you are the same age as my son. I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm elderly too so I'll not bite over that.

It's not your job to try to make your mum happy, it's not your responsibility to chat for hours, stop her feeling lonely or fill those other gaps in her life. She gets to live her life, you get to live yours. If she doesn't like hers she maybe needs to make some changes. Your post mentions her weight, her health, her friends, her self-image - these are not things you can fix because they are HERS.

When you get back to university live your life as you want to. You don't have to go back every other weekend, you don't need to be calling her every day. Your life is not hers to control, not unless you let her. Yes, she's not going to like it and there may be some unpleasantness but surely the long term benefits of having your own life are worth that?

You are in your third year. She has had time to adjust to you being an adult who now lives a separate life from her.

She needs to find her own life, her own connections, her own sources of happiness. It's hard in lockdown but clearly she didn't try at all before lockdown, so that's not the issue.

You can't set yourself on fire to keep another person warm. In effect, that is what your mum is asking of you. To sacrifice your emotional and financial wellbeing for her.

You know it's not going to stop. When you finish uni, she will want you to come home. When you have a boyfriend, she will complain you are spending more time with him, than her. When you want to have a place of your own....you get the idea.

On top of that, her dependency on you is stopping her from making the adjustments she needs to make in her life, such as seeking help for her depression or getting out to see friends and start dating in the future. So, if you really want to loosen the strings...don't automatically go home in the holidays. Travel abroad. Geat work experience in your university town. Heck, see if there's an exchange scheme with your university, so you can experience another culture.

Lots of very wise words here. You cannot make your mother happy. You deserve your own life and happiness. I am older than your dm and my daughter a bit older than you. I want her to be happy whatever that looks like.
Please step away. Have a google of FOG- fear, obligation and guilt. And grey rock.
Please, seize your own life.

Oh goodness, I really feel for you as my mum was not dissimilar when I was your age, although she had my dad as a buffer of sorts.

Still, she managed to talk me out of going away to university. I went to a college closer to home and came back every weekend at her urging to 'keep my Saturday job on' (it was for a major supermarket with a branch 10.minutes walk from my student digs).

I didn't dare consider going travelling for fear of the fallout, and allowed her to talk me out of an amazing internship offer which could have led to an incredible job in London.

I ended up settling in my hometown in my early twenties with a controlling husband who I eventually left when I was forty. The therapist I saw subsequently said it was obvious I had gone from one controlling relationship to another because I didn't know any better.

At 45 I am still fighting an almost daily battle to deal with her neuroses and manipulations.

What I will say, apart from stand up to her now, before she takes you down with her...is that every time I have dug my heels in with my mum, she has cried and tantrummed and send hideously abusive/manipulative emails...but ultimately she's gotten over it and moved on.

And in the last couple of years, when times have been their hardest with Covid and my dad having a catastrophic accident and subsequently becoming extremely unwell, when I have stepped back - either by choice or circumstances (I have now have a daughter of my own to consider) she has coped...every time.

When you get back to university live your life as you want to. You don't have to go back every other weekend, you don't need to be calling her every day

This...and I would even go so far as to say lie if you have to. Tell her about your life on a need to know basis; get a weekend job in university town and tell her you simply can't come home every weekend; switch your phone off.

Would it help to get your brother on board to help/encourage her to get support in place so she doesn't need to lean on you as much.

Most of all it is in no way whatsoever selfish to want to live a fulfilling, independent, adult life.

The longer you allow her to get away with her behaviour the harder it will be and the more you will miss out on. You don't want to be looking back with regrets in 25 years time (and potentially still dealing with her nonsense).

Link to the FOG website mentioned above which i also need to look at!

outofthefog.website/home

This also makes interesting reading. I went through a short session of TA therapy a few years back and it definitely helped me reframe my relationship with my mum.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transactional_analysis

Your mum is still relatively young to be so heavily dependent on you. Make the best of your years at Uni. And live your life. You deserve it.

I really feel for you OP. My mother had dreadful untreated anxiety and I always felt it was up to me to look after her and help her manage this when I was a child. When I went away to uni there was much resentment and guilt. Having had a load of therapy I can now see more clearly and have made sure I don't make my own daughter ever feel like she is responsible for my happiness. I'd go back to uni as soon as you can, tell your mum you need resources only available at the library and try and 'wean' her off such rigid calls and visits. Assert yourself now for the sake of your future self. Wish I'd been bolder and done it when I was younger and could've saved money on all the therapy needed later in my life to set up a happy life for myself. I thought the sky would fall down if I spoke my mind but it wouldn't have done!

@MintyCedric Thank you for your kindness and your advice, I can't tell you how helpful it is. I'm so sorry to hear about the struggles you have been through with your own mum and really hope that the battles you speak of as a result of her treatment of you don't bother you too much or for too long. My inbox is open if you ever need to rant or discuss anything. Thank you again :)

@cissyandbessy I’m so sorry to hear you have had to go through something similar to myself and thank you very much for your advice. I especially relate to when you say you thought the sky would fall down if you spoke your mind, I have been thinking this without realising for years and now that i can see how irrational this idea is, it’s nice to know I’m not alone with it.

@leboso thank you so much for your detailed response, it has really helped me put things into perspective and realise subconscious ideas that have crept into my head over the years without me realising. I feel much stronger in my decision to set certain boundaries with my mum now and I will be following your advice, so thank you 😊.

@thesandwich thank you so much for the suggestions of FOG and grey rock, I will definitely be checking them out!

The responses to this have been better than I could have imagined, thank you to everyone who has given advice or shown understanding for my situation, it has really helped and I feel a lot more confident about talking to my mum now and doing what's best for me. Also sorry about my choice of topic! I couldn’t find a more relevant section, I don’t actually think mid 50’s is elderly so sorry if offended anyone lol

sorry @Labobo!* thank you so much for your detailed response, it has really helped me put things into perspective and realise subconscious ideas that have crept into my head over the years without me realising. I feel much stronger in my decision to set certain boundaries with my mum now and I will be following your advice, so thank you 😊.

Lots of good advice from perspective of the child so I’ll just add a bit maybe from mum’s pov.

She is scared and clinging to you for safety, but ultimately could drown you both.

Stepping back, as advised upthread, by calmly asserting that you are not selfish for wanting to have your own life, and going back to uni is superb advice.

You are being clear, calm and caring by doing so, modelling for her that even when you are scared (of her reaction), feeling alone (isolated from friends and suspicious of her motives) and worried (about her, your future)

you still have the ability to make choices, even difficult ones, and do the right thing, even, again, when the right thing is initially the harder thing to do

And I’d go further and get some counselling for yourself now to help keep you strong, to start to tease out the past/relationship, and to help you build really strong, solid foundations for a happy future.

For reasons I won’t go into I had to rely on my son for a year that was incredibly tense and difficult for us both. He applied for a summer camp & left as early as he could 😂 (I can laugh now - and importantly - so can he!)

When the plane left I felt in pieces but as you said yourself - when I have stepped back - either by choice or circumstances (..) she has coped...every time

And I did. And more than that - part of the worry I had about my DS lifted and I was able to concentrate on my own recovery with more focus.

You are scared about how she will cope (she too probably) but she has coped before and, this is the TL:DR She may well learn to cope and ‘live’ again better without you there

My GP was worried about me when my DS left, extra appointments were made and support systems strengthened, but he (my GP) was amazed at the progress I made on my own.

And my DS had a brilliant time away - grew and developed in ways he could never have done stuck with me.

Now, I wanted him to go, your DM doesn’t seem to want you to, but it is the right thing for you both.

I hope your DM can see the lovely strong caring person she raised and be proud of you for choosing to do the right thing.

And maybe find her own peace and strength in the space left, inspired by you.

You sound so lovely, op.
I found a very useful phrase “ proper selfishness” putting your needs in their rightful place.
Can uni offer some counselling support for you?

As one who is older than your DMum with DCs older than you, I would suggest you return to uni as soon as you can. Get a job there if you can. Stop coming home so often. Thankfully, due to covid you can really reduce the travelling for everyone's safety. My DC only came home at end of term, and we did not speak every day. I would expect that to be suffocating.
What has your DMum done to deal with her MH and physical health issues? Anything?

Lots of great advice on this thread.

I do agree with limiting what you tell her. You really need to protect yourself and telling her that you need to get back to uni to access resources is a really good one.

I'd also recommend seeing if there is some sort of counselling through student services. It's very unlikely that your Mum will change so you need to change your reaction. If you can find someone to hold your hand through this I think it would make it much easier than trying to do it on your own.

You have had great advice on here Op. I would only add please don't go back to live at home when you finish university. This would be awful for you.

Good luck.

I’m very sorry for you. First, your mum is in no way elderly. Women in the U.K. have a life expectancy of 83 years. Second, she’s not being a good mum to you. A good mum puts her children first. Would you do this to your children? You are entitled to your own life and to be happy. She is not your child. You are not responsible for her happiness and can’t make her happy - only she can do that. Nor are you under any moral duty to make yourself unhappy to keep her happy! Tell her you love her but that you’re not her mum or responsible for her happiness or life. She needs to seek medical attention for her physical and mental health and take responsibility for them. She needs to find her own support networks in terms of establishing or reestablishing links with family and friends - maybe social media / support groups etc.
My only baby will go miles away to university later this year God willing. I’ll miss her greatly and want to see her when I can but that’s to check she’s happy - not to meet my need for company. If she’s having a great time with new friends and thriving I’ll feel happy for her - not guilt her in to misery whatever I face at home. That’s what a normal mum reaction is. Take care. Good luck.