Struggling to deal with my changed role

[ShiteningMcQueen]

I'm finding it really hard to support my elderly, very independent DM. She's 75 and has always been on her own. She is also autistic, narcissistic and very stubborn. I'm late 40s with 2DC and a full time front line job and struggling to deal with day to day life myself at the moment, let alone with having to adjust my mindset to being a parent to my own mum.

My golden child younger DB lives abroad and can do no wrong. We live fairly close by but it's DB she's phones each day for hours on end. DB for some reason he has yet to explain refuses to speak to me. DM also phones my DC a number of times a day and checks in with them regularly. Needless to say, DM finds reasons not to call or check in with me, nor does she answer my calls or messages.

I realise I need to put my big girl pants on and just deal with this the best way possible but it's so fucking emotionally draining at the moment.

I try and deal with the factual side of things rather than get caught up in emotional discussions. DM however has the narc knack of turning absolutely everything around to be about her, even some random discussion about my dishwasher.

I'd be grateful for any advice or wise words you may have to stay sane and patient and how I could best support her. I think I need to practice how to deflect and divert rather than get sucked into debate or discussion which usually ends in passive aggressive comments, attempted guilt trips or sulky silences from her.

What role is it you want to play for your DM? Sounds like not being the golden child has saved you many a long and tedious conversation which you wouldn't have time for.
Can you visit- if you want to - and provide practical support once a week or whatever frequency works, then detach from the rest ?

If she's 'very independant' she doesn't need you to parent her.
Why do you need her to call and check in with you?
Stop calling. When she needs help she can buy it in, that's what we all save for our old age for isn't it?

I'm not sure what role I need to be - maybe that's why I'm struggling. She's not yet unwell or incapable of doing stuff; I suppose I've just had enough of her manipulative BS over the years and now I've started establishing boundaries and being more assertive, she is struggling to accept that.

I don't want to come between her or the DC but I just find it really hard to ignore or brush off most of what she says and does.

I suppose I won't change her, I just need some kind of mechanism for myself to stay sane whilst staying present (but at a distance) for her when she does inevitably start to decline.

I have been there (really difficult Mother and golden child Brother living abroad), my best advice is to stand back and let it play out. Focus on your life and your children , get involved as little as possible.
In the words of my councillor if you feel guilt ask yourself ‘is it my guilt to feel ‘ and in the words of my GP ‘your children won’t thank you for it’

Let her be. I’d be delighted DB is taking all the tedious calls.
You don’t seem to enjoy contact with her, she isn’t isolated as she’s communicating with others.
I don’t understand what the problem is, other than your need to be more significant.

Isn't that a good thing that DB takes the brunt of the need for long phone calls? That's all he can do and it's better than you needing to be there for that.

What is it you're expected to do that you're finding tough?

As others have said be glad your DB is getting the calls. Perhaps she realises that you’re too busy for long tedious chats and he isn’t.

How much contact do you have with your mum? And how much support does she need you to provide?

I get the impression that you feel you “should” be taking on a particular role? What is t?

And if she’s as horrible to you as you say, why do you need to “stay present” for her? A lot of support can be put in place without you actually doing it.

Leave them all to it, I say. One phone call a week max. She knows where you are if required.

Not sure my dps and I could speak every day without driving us all loopy.

Don't do the running, OP. Do the bare minimum, share no information with her, never seek support, advice or interest from her.

Do grey rock. Make yourself totally boring, don't give her snippets to mollify her, just deflect deflect deflect.

What support does she need. She sounds pretty self sufficient. How old are your DC, do they really want to speak to her several times a day. I would leave her to it, she will call if she needs anything, be grateful she doesnt ring you for hours at a time. Dont worry about your brother,

Do your DC complain to you that her calls are annoying? Give them strategies for dealing with the calls which help then not get sucked in. Make sure the strategies don’t involve you but maybe golden DB.

Tbh I think elderly people, whose world isn't as expansive as it used to be, often do just like to talk about things that relate to themselves. My dad did after developing dementia. In the nicest possible way, maybe she gets that need fulfilled more by other calls than by your more factual ones. Maybe she also doesn't cope well with factual discussions. My dad didn't necessarily get on well with conversations where I asked him for facts, because he'd forgotten them. But he could talk about himself,so he did.

That isn't to say you should now try to spend hours listening to your mum talk about herself. It sounds like she's got that covered by ringing your brother, and like pp, I'd be glad that it wasn't me having to do that. I would say you may need strategies to protect your kids from it, depending on how old they are. But you sound very good at sorting practical things behind the scenes - I would focus on that.

Don't do the running, OP. Do the bare minimum, share no information with her, never seek support, advice or interest from her.

Do grey rock. Make yourself totally boring, don't give her snippets to mollify her, just deflect deflect deflect

If she's anything like my DM you need to do this and get very good at it very quickly.

My DM is very, very good at criticising both me and DSis to anyone who will listen so I'm not surprised DB isn't talking, my "D"M seems to thrive on conflict between us both. Luckily, we both know what's she's up to and talk regularly.

I would say to the DC that if they want to get out of a call ever, with anyone, it's fine to do it, just say something like "I've got to go, Mum is calling me/Lunch is ready/it's homework time".

And if she's not answering your calls or messages just stop. If you feel the need to keep trying, ring her once a week at the same time and leave a short message asking how she is and leave it at that.

Wonder what her plan is fir when she does need more help?

Tbh I think elderly people, whose world isn't as expansive as it used to be, often do just like to talk about things that relate to themselves. Doesn't everybody? MN is full of complaints about MILs who talk about people that DIL doesn't know.

True enough @MereDintofPandiculation maybe the older people get, the less inclined they are to do polite chit chat about others. Though that doesn't explain teenagers

@GooseberryJam Less inclined to listen, perhaps. I found my father just wanted to talk. He spent all day listening, listening to the radio. When I was there he wanted the chance to talk for a change. He was interested in the family and what I was doing, he just didn't want to listen to me telling him, because his need to talk was too great. So I sent him emails instead, and then he'd talk to me about what we'd been doing rather than what his neighbour had been doing.