Visiting parents?

[stridesy]

This is probably a no but I live in Suffolk and my parents live in Surrey. My mum is basically immobile (diabetes, neuropathy and stroke) and my dad is a full time carer. My dad had bowel cancer last year and called me last week to say it’s back and they will probably need to do an operation. I really want to see them but because of the restrictions with COVID I can’t. My oh gets tested twice a week as he works in an opticians. Just feel so helpless. My mum will probably need to go into a care home even with the operation and I can see her mental health deteriorating as she’s already quite bad especially while my dad is recovering. I just wanted to rant. I know I can’t go visit it’s just aghhh!

Perhaps a visit would be allowed under compassionate grounds.

I've been visiting my mum throughout the pandemic, she's elderly and by herself. We discussed the possibility that I might pass COVID to her, and the possibility that she might die of natural causes anyway! Certainly if I'd not visited her in the last 10 months or so then her mental health would have been absolutely battered, so we took the risk.

I think it's a decision that only you can make really.

According to the guidance:

You may also leave your home to obtain services on behalf of a disabled or vulnerable person

or

to provide care for disabled or vulnerable people

So if you can be sure a visit is for their benefit (their health would deteriorate if you didn't visit) and not primarily for your peace of mind, then my interpretation is that it would be allowed. Think hard about why you want to visit, and what can be achieved by a visit that couldn't be arranged some other way without visiting.

A visit is definitely allowed under the rules. Has your DM ever had respite care? Maybe this is something that you could look into to give your DF a break?

What's the plan fir when your DF comes out of hospital too? Is there any chance that he can move in with you for a while or you can move in with them?

Have you decided what to do yet @stridesy?

You can visit.

It's definitely allowed. I travelled 3 hours, and stayed for a week, to help my elderly mother move house. I also brought her to us for Christmas, so my sister had a break from being on call. DM isn't dependent, but she is alone and needs support. Staying with us meant she was fed, no housework etc, and had company. No need to call my sister out when a tap wouldn't turn or the fridge wasn't working.

Thanks for the replies. I’m going to wait until Wednesday to decide what to do next as my dad has an appointment about the operation. I’m a bit worried as they’ve also found ulcers and diagnosed him with diverticular disease.
My mum isn’t even 70 yet and my dad is early 70s. My mum has been suicidal before so I can’t imagine what going into a home would do to her. She’s mentioned it but only with the idea of going with my dad as some sort of holiday or break for him. My dad ironically is very active but this has taken a toll on him.
I have a 4 year old and an 11 year old so with autism. While I could possibly go down an help it’s not ideal. I wouldn’t even know where to start looking after my mum. She needs help going to the bathroom, I would need to work out tablets and insulin and she’s not capable of doing it and it’s a lot. At the moment she can’t physically leave the house as both feet are too swollen to even put shoes on. I do have a brother and although he helps he’s limited by what he can do. Ironically he’s In the process of moving to the coast due to cheaper house prices and working from home.
Easter just seems a very long way a way to visit.

While I could possibly go down an help it’s not ideal. You wouldn't go down to help. You'd go down to sort out help for her. You have limited capacity (you need to keep yourself healthy and look after your DC), so don't waste your efforts on things that other people can do.

I take it you've tried Cosyfeet for shoes and slippers? Not only do they do super-wide shoes, many of them come with extension straps to fasten over super-swollen feet. And with oedema she should be VAT exempt for shoes.

Could you start by preparing the children now telling them that you're going away for a few days?

Personally, I'd want to be at the appointment with your DF. He may not remember everything they've said and it will give you a clearer idea of what's happening. Plus, he'll probably appreciate the support.

Does your DM have carers coming in? If not, it might be time to arrange things like carers, a cleaner and a gardener and possibly meal deliveries.

It must be a lot for your DF being ill himself and having to care for your DM