I'm coming on here for a handhold and a bit of a ramble . Elderly Parents :

[70isaLimitNotaTarget]

So long story short -
My parents (83) had carers for my Mum ( morning to wash/dress her then recently a couple of 'checks' in the day ) my Dad did everything else .

But my Dad was taken in to hospital last week , still don't know exactly what's wrong . He sounds awful on the phone . Saying today he's cold , very confused . So their doing a scan (brain) and treating for ITU . And he's exhausted , my DMum was under his sole care over Christmas .

Mum has 24 carers at the moment with the Plan for respite care once Covid test (2nd test) negitive .
She sounds more confused , not sleeping She's been refusing tablets for months .

For clarity , they;re in Scotland , my Bro, SiL and I in England

We're waiting for updates .
I am really worried about them being in hospital / care obviously with Covid , but TBH , they weren't coping at home now it's all imploded .
Both had falls , so even with supervision, they aren't safe .

I am bloody helpless .. My Dad said "Are you coming to visit me" ?

I know they are unaware of the restrictions and probably think (in their confused states ) I am just down the road .
I would drive up , but what could I do , even if I was able to .

If you've read this , thank you .

Hugs - there isn't anything you could do, even if you were there but I know how the distance makes you feel even worse. Be kind to yourself

So sorry to hear this.

Can you talk to your father’s doctor/ward nurse to find out what’s wrong with him? Is your mum booked in to a home for respite?

Thank You

When I phone the ward they say he's doing 'okay' but until the tests are done and the results are in, they cannot speculate .

Mum is due to go for respite once she has the 2nd test - but Social Services said we had to arrange to get her there or ask a neighbour/friend . Which is a huge responsibility , especially as she won't be compliant .

When I was last there , Dad and I were sharing looking after her , I was knackered . I have no idea how he copes ......and it's obvious he doesn't , I think he's just completely broken !

I know I couldn't do anything TBH but the distance and Covid does make it all 100x worse for sure .

Sorry sorry OP, caring for elderly family is so bloody hard.

24 carers is an awful lot. Does she have dementia? I couldn't quite tell from your post. Is there a neighbour who can help get her the test so she can go into respite?

My fingers are crossed you Dad recovers OK.

Surely with lockdown ss should be able to sort? Or care agency? Even if you have to pay?
You would be allowed under care for a vulnerable person...... but your dm may be more compliant for a professional.
Sending 🌺🌺 it’s so tough.

I don't have any wise words to offer, but just to send best wishes and strength to you. I'm going through similar parent situation, I am lucky they are nearby, but it's still the most emotionally draining thing I've ever faced. Make sure you look after yourself.

Yes definate signs of dementia

Sorry just noticed I put 24 carers ... I meant 24 hour carers !

I would imagine getting her into respite is a priority so even if we need to get a private ambulance company (who would be experienced and not personally involved ) would be an option.

I'll hopefully have more information tomorrow .

And I'm going to have a good read through some of these other threads- there will be relevant information in many of them I'm sure .

Good luck tomorrow- and a hand to hold. There are lots of wise ones on this elderly board. Feel free to rant, seek advice- whatever you need.

I'm sorry you're in this situation

Do either your or your brother's circumstances allow you to go stay with your mum? It might be easier to arrange respite etc with one of you near by.

I would think that going to visit you parents falls under emergency caring responsibilities
However, I would assume that you would need to stay there for some time

A difficult time for everyone

You will need your strength, look after yourself as well

Do your parents have a social worker ?

Good luck

Your dad : You could send your dad a letter in lieu of a visit and print off some photos of happy times on your printer. Not the same as a visit but his generation will appreciate a letter and if he has signs of dementia he might find reassurance and comfort.
Your mum: I’d hope she is assigned a social worker who can advocate that she is given respite care until your DF returns to fitness. Many care homes have started to receive the vaccine so respire might not need to be as scary as it was a month ago.
Call the elderly care social work team for her council. They will hopefully help her as she is vulnerable currently with your DF in hospital.

Hi @70isaLimitNotaTarget

We've met on the guinea pig thread previously...sorry to see you on here and hope things have become a bit clearer/more settled since your OP.

I'm amazed Social Services have said you need to organise transport. I can't really help much in terms of advice as I'm also in England and things seem to be quite different in Scotland.

What I will say though is I have a friend whose Dad is in Scotland. Both our Dad have needed a lot of care over the last couple of years and the level.of support in Scotland seems a lot better than here, so hopefully once the dust has settled both your parents will be well cared for.

Hi OP

Much sympathy. My PIL are in Scotland, DH and I live in France - but his sister lives local to them and she definitely does a lot of heavy lifting. You aren’t helpless, even if the situation feels that way just now. I think it’s very much the pattern for elderly people to just about cope for a while - then it all falls apart. This happened with PIL, even with my SIL living close by. They got themselves into an unsustainable situation (FIL expecting MIL to “get better” from Parkinson’s, osteoporosis and dementia, not accepting help/care, not managing medication well etc) which ended with MIL in hospital, delirious and severely dehydrated. They are in a much better place now, but it took the crise to get them there.

Between you and your brother, is one of you “taking charge”? Where in Scotland are your parents?

Have you been in touch with your mums GP and has she been assessed for dementia?

What are your longer term expectations for your mum? Full time residential care?

If you are trying to get things organised by phone for your mum, her social worker is the key person to be in contact with. Has she had a care assessment done recently (or at all)?

The other thing that helped was sorting out Power of Attorney (have you got this?), and for DH / SIL to get a clear idea of their parents financial situation so that they could look at the various care options. Also applying for things like attendance allowance etc.

I agree with other posters that if you / your brother can get up there for a while, you will find it easier to manage.

Courage, it’s so hard and very frustrating to deal with over the phone. But DHs experience is that politely hassling the key people is the only way forward.

I dont think its your responsibility to arrange private transpirt especially as she obviously has care needs. Does mum have the mental capacity to agree to get into an ambulance and move to a carehome. I would speak to the delayed discharge team and PALS and say there are concerns about her capacity, consent and safety.