Relocating DMIL to be more local?

[XingMing]

DMIL is nearly 92, and has been in a residential home since just before lockdown (it was going to be short term respite, but COVID). She has failing short term memory and multiple chronic conditions, but is still as intelligent, funny, thoughtful and critical as ever.

As we live six hours away, and DP is her only child, we'd like to move her nearer us so we can see her regularly, without a 12 hour round trip. DMIL is not a snob, but she is a naicely brought-up bourgeois gel, and this is traditionally a poor agricultural area.

How do I ask the managers of a care home about the intelligence, education, and manners of other residents without offending anyone? I would be so grateful for any tips. DMIL is friendly and outgoing (except early morning) but she is definitely an officer's wife.

You dont ask those questions which would be incredibly insulting and rude. The carehome manager wouldnt tell you anyway and if it were me I wouldnt want to take in resident who thought they were above everyone else. I am sure there are plenty of very expensive luxury carehomes closer to you and if she is an ex officers wife maybe the Army can help find somewhere. The level of care and kindness is usually more important to families than what school the residents went to or how they hold their knife and fork. Does she even want to move.

If she's placed at her current home by the local authority you can't just up and move her. If she's self funding then she will have to agree to it if she has captains if she doesn't then she can only move if a best interest decision is made or if you have POA for health and well-being.

Do not ask those questions. It would give the new home an impression of her that may not be true anyway.

This makes me think of the care home in C4's documentary putting together older folk and pre-schoolers
They were a v well spoken bunch. Presumably the more expensive care homes will have more well-heeled residents?

She, and you, are snobs.

You will get a feel for how likely your MIL is to feel at home by looking round (when you can). It would be a bit rude to ask directly.
We had a similar thought with my MIL, and DH really liked one home but it wasn't suitable for various reasons. She's now living somewhere much better rated, but with a more varied social demographic than perhaps she was used to. Happily she has settled in fine, the staff are nice and she's taken care of.

@unmarkedbythat

She, and you, are snobs.

It may have been expressed in a rather clunky manner, but don't we all gravitate towards people like us? When you're choosing to live with other people, you surely need to be happy

There are no smart, elegantly furnished care homes locally, but there are a lot of very bad ones -- according to the CQC. DMIL is self-funding so the local authority has no say at all.

Please feel free to dismiss me as a snob, but one of the reasons for moving is that she would like to play Scrabble or bridge as an alternative to watching the TV.

Ask if Scrabble and Bridge are played there then, that's a good way of finding out if there are any compatible residents.

I would ask the care homes about the sort of activities they offer and explain a bit about your MIL’s background and interests.

Thanks Bamaluz. I will do so, but nothing's happening till after Christmas, so I have time to frame sensible, polite questions.

You can ask what opportunity she will have to socialise with people who share her interests. A good home will be keen to allow her to continue with what interests her. Our home has just helped my father access a Zoom lecture on engineering - there is now a care worker who knows more than she ever thought she wanted to know about a particular type of 100 year old stationary steam engine .