Urgent advice needed. Elderly parent being dumped at Airport!

[Vickibristol123]

In advance I thank anyone who has taken the time to read this and maybe offer any help or advice.
My dear Friend (I will call him John) has an elderly mother who has been living in Portugal for the last 15 years. She moved over there to care for her Uncle who is also in Portugal.
The Uncle is physically unwell and she has been living and caring for him all this time.The Uncle has a daughter that has now contacted John to say that Mother is not coping and has gone rapidly down hill with episodes of mental illness and has now been diagnosed with Dementia.
The daughter has told him that she is bringing them both back to the UK on the first available flight and from then on she is John’s problem.
I have known John for many years and I don’t know quite how to put this but....he’s not capable of looking after her physically or mentally, he can barely look after himself, lives in a house with no heating etc and has a lot of social/mental health problems himself.
I’m at a loss how to help him, potentially there is a confused little old lady landing here with nowhere to go and no one capable of caring for her.
I add also that she does have finances so is able to pay for care if needed.
How on earth do I help him?
Any advice would be amazing!

I think the daughter is bringing her dad (the uncle) and John's mum back. I guess she's taking her Dad with her and is expecting John to turn up to take his mum.

"What do you mean by “them both” OP? Was that a typo?"

John's mother & the Uncle she has been caring for?

"I feel there is a bigger back story here for the uncle’s daughter to be so callous towards John and the Mother."

But what is the daughter to do if her dad is now going back to UK?

Leave her to live alone in her dad's house?

Ah OK so the daughter must live in the U.K.?

I read it as the daughter being based in Portugal, because of “bring”.

@CheetasOnFajitas

Ah OK so the daughter must live in the U.K.?

I read it as the daughter being based in Portugal, because of “bring”.

Yes I think that you could be right.

So although it might not be possible for John's mum to stay in her Uncle's house, it surely doesn't mean that she has to return to UK?

Unfortunately after 15 years living overseas there is little chance of her having recourse to public funds, John (or someone acting on his behalf) should urgently contact Portuguese social services regarding care there before she's brought back to the U.K. the local authority where she lived 15 years ago is very unlikely to provide funding but she will be entitled to any pension she accrued whilst resident here. It takes 1-3 years to establish residency depending on the circumstances, hopefully the situation isn't as dire as made out and she can live in the community for now and has sufficient pension.

Sounds like the daughter is at the endof her tether with two elderly people to worry about. As others have said looks like Johnn is unable to take responsibility for them. Contact social services and Age UK.

I’d have thought, though, that if the relationship was functional there would have been ongoing communication about the mother’s condition and some discussion with John about the future, not a sudden “I’m on my way to the airport” ultimatum. Something else is going on here. Not that such speculation helps OP or John, I know, but a clearly strained relationship may affect how they move forward. For example, if things were better then the daughter might consider helping John make plans for his mother in the U.K. or Portugal, in recognition for the woman’s 15 years caring for her father.

If John doesn't plan to visit her, one thing to consider is that private residential care in Portugal is cheaper than the UK. Her money would go further, but it depends on her residency status. Presumably John, or her niece have - or will have - power of attorney over her finances?
What a sad situation. She cared for someone for years, and now they's nobody willing or able to care for her.

I'm afraid I can't help with advice about longer term but just some points regarding the travelling home that should be considered: It is the airline, not the airport, who need to be contacted about any assistance needs.

Special Assistance should at the time of booking flight tickets. If already booked, the airline can be called and Assistance added to the booking. The airline pass the booking to the airport-based Special Assistance team to offer wheelchair assistance and boarding/disembarking assistance.

Airport assistance cannot take care of severely vulnerable passengers without a family member/carer accompanying, especially with health issues. They may so need a fitness to fly note from a doctor if very unwell as some airlines may not allow boarding without.

On arrival in the UK they'll be met from the aircraft seats. If both very mobile they don't have to accept wheelchair help, they can simply be escorted through any available fast track immigration and baggage collection. Special Assistance usually ends at the point of onward travel so a pick up point/taxi/bus station. They cannot help with welfare issues on arrival if for instance no pick up arrangements have been made, unfortunately.

I want to thank each and every one of you for your wonderful and informative advice.
I have spent the day with John and on the telephone to the Uncles daughter who is actually very caring and worried lady, she has her father to care for now and cannot look after another.
It seems that Uncle has begged to come home and apparently they have been living in appalling conditions whilst in Portugal and have neglected themselves and each other. There has been intervention by the Health professionals in Portugal but ultimately neither have accepted proper help.
John is absolutely adamant that he wants to bring his mum from the Airport and has prepared a bedroom for her at his house.
Despite me gently pointing out that we don’t know the extent of her Dementia and what she can or can’t do for herself there is no changing his mind.
Daughter is arranging the flight for the weekend and they will be escorted to the airport this end. I have offered to accompany him to pick her up and bring her home (a 3 hour drive!) and see what happens once we are home.
I’m well out of my depth and all we have is good advice and some telephone numbers for helplines. The plan is to visit a John’s GP as soon as we get her back to get her registered and physically assessed.
All I can do is be there and offer practical help, none of the important decisions are mine to make.
Again much love to each and every one of you that took the time to reply xx I will update this after the weekend.

What about the uncle, is he coming back to the UK too? Where will he go?

Yes, he’s going home with his daughter where she will look after him.

@Vickibristol123

You are an angel.

I’m sorry I jumped to judge your friend’s cousin. It all makes sense now.

I’m glad John has you as a friend. Sending you strength for this.

what about quarantine regulations. won't the returning mother have to isolate, so stay inside the house for 14 or is it 10 days.
GPs are not easy to join at the moment. at mine you have to fill in forms then bring 2 proofs of ID including with address, may be difficult if she just moved in, no bills etc in her name there.
then you have to have an appt with the practice nurse before you can access GP services. and there is more than a month's wait to see the nurse. they are rather busy at the moment.
does your friend have any experience of dementia. it can be very trying to deal with, and most people do say the wrong things. never try to correct them, or contradict them, just ignore or gently turn the conversation. there may be issues of bodily continence, depends how far along the dementia is. can he deal with that. it does sound like a safe-guarding situation. contact local social services. all the best.

Oh what a sad situation.

I hope that they both manage to get the care & help that they need.

@diddi, while a person with dementia may still be able to express their wishes quite clearly, they may well have no understanding of how their abilities have changed.
My own mother still honestly thought she was managing everything, and would have said so to anyone who asked, when she could no longer even make herself a cup of tea.

You have two options:

• alert social services in the UK now and ask for this lady to be picked-up and assessed. It is better for John, who does not sound able to care for his mother, not to get involved from the start. If he takes her home and start shouldering some of the responsibility, social services might be slow in getting this lady some support
• contact the person who is in Portugal and suggest that instead social services are contacted there and are notified that there is no longer anyone who can manage the care of this lady. At least she will be spared a journey and unfamiliar settings.

A key detail would be to know what her status is, is she a permanent resident in Portugal?, does she get a pension there or is she a British citizen with a British pension? clarifying her status will help as to assessing where she is likely to get the best and quickest support.

Honestly people. I do know whereof I speak.
She is not habitually resident in the U.K.
Therefore social services will not do anything
They will determine that they do not have a duty to her
She will have to live with her son for a while until she can establish that she is permanently resident.

Being a U.K. citizen gives you a right to reside here but not a right to state aid if you have not been living here for the last 15yrs.

If you think that's cruel (I do) then don't vote for Brexit and Tory governments. As far as they are concerned she should not be allowed to sponge off the state. Being old doesn't make a difference to that.

It's not like a stray dog you know!
Social services don't 'pick up' any elderly needy person arriving in the U.K.

I find people's attitudes a bit schizophrenic and bizarre on this. Loads of people seem keen to say that the son should take no responsibility for his own mother and yet U.K. taxpayers should do so no qs asked?

I personally am as bleeding heart liberal as they come and I'd let em all in. But usually the great British public aren't awfully keen on people 'sponging off the benefit system' or 'immigrants coming over here claiming benefits'.

Somehow this is different because she's old is it?
In law I can assure you that it is not and that social care will not bend their rules. In my personal experience I have had to conduct a blind lady in her 80s to the local homeless shelter because she had no right to U.K. housing or benefits. Healthcare she probably does but housing and social care I can't see that she can be entitled if not in the country for 15yrs.

He could always dump her in A&E and the NHS will look after her for a few weeks at least but I hope he has better morals than that.

My serious less ranty advice is

-He is right to take her home with him as in fact no other options except A&E exist

• register with GP straight away
• ask for MH services referral to confirm dementia diagnosis and any possible treatment

-make social care referral (number in phone book. You can self refer) but be aware they will likely deem her ineligible. There is no set period to be 'ordinarily resident' but a few months is usually required depending on how long they were away and if they retained ties in the U.K. Once residence is established she will then have a needs assessment and financial assessment. Choices would then be care home placement, package of care at sons home or be housed in sheltered accommodation but for all these she needs to establish residence

• if all going to hell in a handcart before that then the NHS will be the ones to pick up hence why they should register with Gp and ask for MH referral ASAP
• get to solicitor as soon as possible too if she has capacity (solicitor will determine) and get her to make an LPA and a will. If lacks capacity apply to CoP for deputy ship

Doug that is great solid advice, I will use your knowledge on this subject for sure.
Update, I have heard this morning that they are arriving into UK on Friday, she still has UK citizenship and a UK pension with considerable savings and a house that is rented out here, hopefully if it comes to it she will be able to fund her care.
I am picking her up from the airport so I am prepared for a very confused scared lady, it will be heartbreaking for her to be separated from the person she has lived with for so long and a different climate and way of life.

If she has a house that is rented out then
a) she will be over the financial threshold for social care funding in any case and will be a full cost payer

b) she would be expected to live in the house or sell it and buy a suitable one so will not be housed by the local authority or at least would be a low priority

Is the house in the same area as the son lives? It would help if it was as it helps show ties to that area. If it's not that can get a bit tricky as his LA might deem she had more ties to the one where the house is.

Is the uncle going to be living nearby? It does seem sad that they will be separated.

If she has funds then she is not dependent on the LA so she can make her own arrangements whatever suits her (if she has enough capacity to decide or John could help her) and maybe she will want to get a place near him or with him with care or they could move into a care place together

Are the mother and the “uncle” definitely related in that way? Is it possible they are not blood relations and have been living as a romantic couple?

Blooming heck CheetasOnFajitas you are intuitive.
It has gone unmentioned but yes, they are blood related Uncle and niece and yes they have been living as a couple it seems.
Who am I to judge? It’s another complication it seems but one that has not been addressed by the family.