MIL had a fall last night

[confusedofengland]

I have posted this in the dementia section, but posting here for traffic as that is a very quiet board.

MIL is 71 & has vascular dementia, diagnosed about 2 years ago. She lives at home with FIL.

She is now at the stage where she cannot be left alone. She often doesn't recognise FIL. However, she always knows DH, me & the DC. She can have coherent conversations some days, although this is not guaranteed, it's maybe 50/50. She gets confused & sometimes upset at night & sometimes can't sleep.

Last night, she got up in the night to go to the toilet & fell, in the bathroom. Apparently FIL heard a noise & asked what had happened & she replied that she had fallen. Then after that she got confused & disorientated. The ambulance came out & wanted to take her in to hospital but she wouldn't go & FIL was not keen for her to go as he can't go with her, due to Covid. She does not remember anything this morning.

I am struggling with how to support DH in all this. We live 120 miles away from PIL & they are in a Tier 3 area. I have said he should go & see them but he is reluctant, says there is nothing he can do & he wouldn't be allowed inside with them anyway. I said that if it's an emergency it wouldn't matter. There is also the issue that we need the car to take DS1 to school & pick him up, so DH could only have the car between 8.15am & 4pm, meaning he could only have a couple of hours up there. I have tried being reassuring but DH doesn't want to hear it. Any ideas how I can support him?

Sorry this is long, this has shaken me & also DH, although he won't admit it.

Hope she is ok. Your dh could speak to his dad and try to get them to see her g.p or dementia nurse. Do they have carers coming in or any equipment like a fall alarm. It might be a good idea for mil to have a care needs assessment and also a home environment assessment which the gp or adult social services will arrange. They would not have to pay for this. Have they thought about the care she will need and if she can continue living at home. Does anyone have power of attorney for them. I hope she didn't injure herself. Falls can really shake people up. If she is not able to make decisions about her needs and care and doesn't understand the risks being at home then someone needs to step in and act on her behalf.

Your DH can go in to give care to the vulnerable - he should wear a mask and keep his distance as much as possible.

When did he last see his parents? If it is a while, then his Mum might have deteriorated a lot. He could then see if the GP etc could help with extra care etc. He also needs to check whether his Dad is still able to cope with looking after his wife.

Could your DH go by train or hire a car for the day?

I always find people living with dementia who fall tend to cope with it better as they usually forget it even happened and don't tend to have anxiety over falling again which in turn usually results in another fall.
Does your in-laws have any support? It's very demanding looking after a elderly person with dementia and it wouldn't be a bad idea to try and get a small care package into place to help both your mil and fil.
I wouldn't be to worried over a single fall at this point but obviously if it's happening on a regular basics it might be time to involve professionals who can make a plan to prevent falls which can unfouratnly be fatal in old age

Thank you, there's a few things to think about there.

DH could hire a car to go up there. Would leave us short for next month, but we'll deal with that when we get there!

They haven't had a care or home risk assessment done yet so could encourage them to do that. They are ringing GP today to inform him of what happened & see if she needs to go for tests. They are thinking maybe mini-stroke as she has had one before.

I said to DH that it's good that she can't remember the fall & be upset by it, but he said that she might be upset because she doesn't remember & feels like she ought to.

On a wholly selfish level, I am really struggling to get out of this rut at the moment. As well as the PIL issues, my own mum is an alcoholic who crashed her car last month so can't drive or be left alone, my grandad has lung cancer & numerous appointments which I have to drive him to as my mum can't, and we have just started the ASD diagnosis process for 9-year old DS2. Also neither DH nor I have had much work since March. I look round at other people & wish that our lives were that straightforward, I don't know how to cope with this any more. But right now i need to focus on supporting DH, even though i am crumbling myself

You are not being selfish at all. You have a lot going on in your life.

Great advice on here. Have you contacted Macmillan to see if they could help support you and granddad?
Could you claim carers allowance?

I'd advise a commode with a flat lid beside the bed really. It can double up as a tea cup table during the day. Nocturnal walks to the loo frankly did it for one of my relatives earlier this year. Such an item can be provided for free by some local concern, it's not really Social Services' domain but thereabouts.

Some sort of motion detector light also, a touch lamp by the bed.

Padded furniture, to guide a person along, like a sort of chaises lounge might help rather than a table with a hard edge.

Other than that, I'd advise a prescription of Adcal D3 to strengthen the bones if falls is a possibility.

That's not selfish at all confused that's an awful lot to deal with

As well as Carers Allowance fir yourself, your DGF & DMIL might both be entitled to Attendance Allowance which could help to pay towards care and have you checked if either of them are entitled to Pension Credit?

I'm not sure she would agree to a commode but will see if DH can find a way to bring it up subtly!

I already claim Carer's Allowance for DS2- he has a 32.5 hours EHCP at school, so I was able to get DLA & Carer's Allowance for him. We manage financially, but it's very hand-to-mouth!

To top off my day, I got assessment papers through for DS2, which I always find an emotional read & then heard that we are going into Tier 3 so cancelling DS1'S birthday celebrations & also our Santa visit this year. Tomorrow has got to be a better day!

Really feel for you

As the logistics of your H travelling there are difficult, I don’t see any reason for him to go right now. It isn’t an emergency. However, your FIL is increasingly going to need support with caring with your MIL, so now is the time to be doing the research.

I found this website very useful when we were coping with my dad’s dementia:

www.alzheimers.org.uk/

Are social services involved with your parents in law? It sounds like they need a lot of help.

Definitely claim Attendance Allowance for them. You need to phone up (Google it) and get the form. Fill it in with great detail. It is not means tested so their financial details are not required at all.

Hi, just coming back to this, sorry.

DH didn't end up travelling there & MIL seems a lot better. He spoke to her yesterday (speaks every day) via Facetime & she was very happy, if not overly chatty. She saw me & the boys too & was pleased to see us. She is lovely though.

I'm not sure if they have social services involved or what kind of help they get. I know they get a council tax discount & have a radar key, so that's something.

I desperately hope we can see them at Christmas but I suspect it might be unwise at best.

confused Gosh, that’s a mountain of stress all on your shoulders. You’re doing your very best. Hope you get the odd half an hour here and there to curl up and recharge