Getting so frustrated with parents denial and stubbornness

[sunset26]

My elderly parents can’t face up to anything worrying and their way of coping is to go into total denial and then panic when they have to face it.

My daughter is isolating this week after a child in her class tested positive. We were told her brother and sister can still go to school and it’s only her to isolate. My parents wanted to drop off sweets for the kids on Sunday so I went to door of the close with a face mask on and stayed 2m away.

This morning, my mum told me on the phone my dad was in bed with ‘a cold’, her tone of voice sounded worried. He has a cough with nausea. Given he is nearly 84 and quite frail (and been here, there and everywhere) I said to my mum maybe should get a covid test to rule it out just in case and she laughed it off as if I was being totally ridiculous and said ‘it’s just a cold’. However then kept making statements which suggested she thought it might not be a cold, but if I said anything she got defensive and really combative about it.

Of course it might be just a cold given it’s winter cold season and to be fair he doesn’t (according to my mum anyway) have a fever, but then again it might not so I am concerned and a little annoyed that with his age they aren’t bothered. I know exactly what they are like, they’ll put their heads in the sand and if the sh*t hits the fan they’ll not be able to cope and totally fall apart which will also happen with the house situation (see my previous post). Oh, and there’s a workman booked to come out tomorrow to their house and they have no plans to cancel him. So selfish!

I’m fed up of them not facing up to anything or acting sensibly

I feel your pain. Mine use me as their personal physician because I work in healthcare. They regularly do things like ringing up and saying “oh mum is having a stroke” and then not liking the fact that I can’t manage this over the phone as their daughter and refusing to go to A&E.

@mamoosh

I feel your pain. Mine use me as their personal physician because I work in healthcare. They regularly do things like ringing up and saying “oh mum is having a stroke” and then not liking the fact that I can’t manage this over the phone as their daughter and refusing to go to A&E.

It’s very frustrating when parents are stubborn and won’t do this or that but will expect you to sort things out or listen to them when they’d make things a whole lot easier for themselves if they used common sense

Ultimately all you can do is offer advice - and then just keep repeating. I know how frustrating it can be.
My DM has a great record for this sort of thing - she tends to leave things and then eventually is far more unwell because she hasn't dealt with it sooner. Her reasoning: the doctors won't want to see her, she feels like she's being a nuisance, they never listen anyway. (She does have a small amount of justification for this.)
I've never understood the logic behind it.
It's like she wants reassurance, but also seems to believe I don't know anything anyway. 🤷🏻‍♀️

X-post!
Exactly....

They're functioning adults. Don't make yourself responsible for them, tell them the consequences of what they're proposing to do, but leave them to sort it out.

Although I would be inclined to lay in wait for the workman and tell him your father's current state of health.

Have you outright told them they are being selfish and putting others at risk because he either needs a test or they need to isolate for 14 days. This is what I would do with my parents.

It might help to remember that older people who are stuck in their ways often are often literally stuck. It's not a choice, but a lack of adaptability. If you could be transported back to the time when your parents were children you'd probably find the world rather strange and bewildering. An ageing brain may not be as adept at navigating life's changes, and they may cling to things that make them feel safe, or bury their heads in the sand because they simply haven't been able to make the mental shift needed.

It's not a choice, but a lack of adaptability.

Yes, I sometimes feel as if there's only so much change you can take. When I was a child there were only two TV channels, and they didn't broadcast all day (let alone at night). A lot of families didn't have a phone, or a fridge. We didn't have central heating till I was a teenager. At my age it gives me a certain resilience eg in power cuts. But I'm finding it a real effort to get used to on-line banking, paying things by phone, etc. Things that come readily to a younger generation are a real struggle for me, and I rebel against making changes to things that work OK for me. My father was born before television, before there was a National Grid for distributing electricity. I don't blame him for lack of adaptability

Just writing with no advice but total understanding. It is very frustrating. All i am doing right now is having space from mine.