Elderly parents in a mess with care and don’t want to pay

[mamoosh]

Hello, my mum is quite frail with worsening mobility issues and is also quite anxious and demanding eg needs attending to instantly with lots of small things. Dad has just burned out with it all and is depressed and a bit confused with it. My brother lives with them but also has depression and drinks a lot is not very organised in thinking through problems or talking through them together, he just seems to move from crisis to crisis. Mum very reluctantly agreed to go into respite care. Dad normally organises their money and was all in a muddle with it. Mum did sign the contract for the care home but has refused to sign to get the money out of her bank account book. She hates being in there, slams the phone down on me etc. Dad is now saying their bank account papers are missing and I can’t help feel they are playing games here. Time in respite care will soon be up and I have no idea what we are going to do next. Previously mum had a care package but needed a lot of support from dad which he is unable to give right right now. SW just seems to take the view that mum has capacity and she says she is self funding so there is nothing anyone can do. I live miles away and have 2 young children. Spending all my time worrying about this. I feel like we need more professional help but not sure where to turn.

I would start by going to Age UK. They also have a legal company who give advice on care funding who may be able to help.

Your father could ask for a carer review of his needs as her carer.

It would be a good idea to get Power of Attorney while they both have capacity, and could be really useful for your Dad because someone else (ie you) could help sort out the finances.

Mum would be well advised to stop insisting she's self-funding and seek a financial assessment. She may not have to pay the full bill.

stop worrying about this.
let your brother know that's you can't be directly involved and he needs to step up.

I have been on at them about POA for years, dad will not get round to it.

The financial assessment form is a bit complicated, doing it seems to trigger dad getting agitated. So right now we do not seem to be able to get this done. It’s a good point though to lean on them about this as mum’s savings are not enormous. However everyone in the family seems to think it is so outrageous they have to pay, well maybe but that’s how it is.

Age uk or carers uk can help completing forms- does she have attendance allowance? Non means tested- but get help completing it.
Good luck

Just spoke to mum. She says she does not know enough about the finances to complete the form. Think I will try Age U.K. if they can signpost me to legal advice. My dad is not well enough to do a POA right now. Mum just told me she is practically self caring and should be allowed home. 😬😬😬

Mum just told me she is practically self caring and should be allowed home. 😬😬😬 Tell her, if she's self caring, next time Dad needs a respite, she can hire a holiday cottage. It'll be cheaper than the respite place. Maybe she'll think.

Mum just told me she is practically self caring and should be allowed home. 😬😬😬

Ha, I get this quite a lot, never quite know what to say - thanks Dint!

(although more seriously it's one of the more guilt-inducing things she says, although I don't think it's actually aimed at me)

Any progress, mamoosh? You're in a horrible place right now.

This is such a tough situation but you need to start to get everyone involved.

Age UK is a very good start.

@MereDintofPandiculation is correct you need to find a way to get POA for Health and Finance sorted for both parents. If you can get the forms and complete them and then maybe be able to take a trip to get them signed. Then is all your Dad and Mum need to do is sign them.

They take many weeks to be approved but without them, it becomes almost impossible for you to help.

I am sorry this adds more stress on to you. Unfortunately, it always seems to be the daughters that take on the brunt of this.

Good luck.

A little progress forwards, there is a plan, kind of, to get mum home and release some of their funds.

Dad has been very evasive about the POA, I have had the forms prepared for literally 5 years. I don’t think he trusts us with the money.. It really makes me angry because it leaves us in such a difficult position.

Maybe tell them if they don't do POA that when they lose capacity or one maybe has a stroke then the government will take over their finances through the office of care and protection. So who do they want managing their money. My mum didn't put me on her account but authorised me to have a mandate for the account which allows me to write cheques set up direct debits and have a debit card.
There is POA but we are not at that stage yet but it is getting closer.
I am presuming that the respite care is not at full rate as my mum has had it in a home and only paid approx £110pw . I think you are entitled to 8 weeks respite a year.