Row with Mother

[Jules2011]

I am a divorced mother of two, I have been with my partner for over 5 years but we don’t live together, it just works better this way for now.
I have formed a single parent bubble with him so we can still meet.

It was my birthday last week, we had planned for him to come over for dinner. My mum called that day basically asking what I was doing for dinner, I told her, and offered to pick her up something, I said I’m sorry you can’t come over I feel bad. She said ‘why not’ so I explained about the bubbles and with kids being in senior school the risks are high for her (she is 80). We’d never forgive ourselves if she caught it and I would never want my kids to think they were responsible if that happened. She carried on saying ‘I’m in your bubble’ I explained she wasn’t as she had been mixing with her friend so they were in a bubble. Anyway long story short she hung up on me, leaving me feeling like crap on my birthday. I text her trying to explain she ignores it.

Call her the next days ignores it. So I went over today to see her and try to explain, she completely blanked me, when I finally got her talking she was saying ‘family first’, I explained that wasn’t fair and just because we don’t live together doesn’t make my relationship unimportant. I explained again about the schools etc but she was literally refusing to talk to me, called me selfish etc. saying it’s ok when it suits me etc. all I was trying to do was protect her. I left really really fuming being treated that way, she herself is being selfish, not accepting my needs to see my partner.

Now I like to think I’m not selfish, I do her shopping, we drop stuff round when she needs it, but I work full time and have two kids so life is hectic.

My brother lives miles away but has also been horrible and probably stirring the pot, saying I’m putting my ‘boyfriend’ first over my mother as if he is someone I met down the pub last week!

I’m so upset because I’m stuck in the middle, I’m not choosing anyone over anyone else but I have to live a life that keeps me sane. She never ever asks how I am or gives me any emotional support, she just takes it. If I don’t ring her then I am made to feel guilty but she never picks up the phone to see how I am.

I’m just left feeling rubbish.

Belated happy birthday. Sending you a big virtual birthday present as you sound like you should be spoiled and celebrated for doing your very best.
No point reminding her that it was your birthday not hers.
She probably knows how to press your buttons. Tomorrow you will feel brighter.

@Rinsefirst

Belated happy birthday. Sending you a big virtual birthday present as you sound like you should be spoiled and celebrated for doing your very best. No point reminding her that it was your birthday not hers. She probably knows how to press your buttons. Tomorrow you will feel brighter.

Thank you - that’s much appreciated xx

Sadly, some people are incredibly selfish and it can intensify as they get older and live alone as they have nothing to focus on but their own wishes. Your mother sounds hard work!

Happy Birthday. I would let her contact me and heave a sigh of relief at the peace and quiet for a bit. If she'd blanked me I'd have gone away immediately - I'm not coaxing my mother into talking to me as though she was a toddler having a tantrum.

As for your brother - if you speak to him I'd be telling him you appreciate his desire to put your mother first above anyone else and that you'll be grateful if he does all her shopping, etc from now on - or at least arranges a Tesco delivery if he can't do the travel himself. Clearly that will be fine by him...

She's putting unfair pressure on you. With children at school it's for her own safety you are keeping your distance. If she's meeting with a friend she's not alone.

Let it go for now and enjoy your birthday. As a PP said get your brother to help too. There are things he can do to help rather than to stir.

Thank you. Your comments have made me feel much better. I was getting so upset thinking I was wrong for not letting her come over.

Hopefully she’ll see the light in time perhaps she’ll talk about to a friend and hopefully they’ll tell her she is being unreasonable.

@Jules2011

I don't expect she will ever see she's being unreasonable. Her behaviour on your birthday was pretty awful. That type of person is utterly wrapped up in themselves. Can you honestly ever imagine spoiling your child's birthday and trying to make them feel shit for any reason?

I don't imagine so because you sound a much nicer and more thoughtful person than your mother. I would leave her to stew. I'd she contacts you and complains again I'd simply say Well we feel differently and change the subject. Or you could just put the phone down on her of course. She seems to consider that acceptable adult behaviour.

@FredtheFerret I have decided to let her stew, I’ve tried twice to reach out to her now. You are right though, she did completely taint my birthday and made me feel rubbish because of her own selfish wants!
It is just awful falling out with family as it plays on your mind so much, but I think she needs to learn how to treat people and I need to stop feeling so guilty!

Call their bluff, they are both being very selfish. Text your brother: "I can see from your response that you think our partners come second to our Mum, which is good because you can form a bubble with her".

Then text your Mum "I will leave it to you to get in touch - presumably when you next need something from me given our transactional relationship and your lack of support and love towards me".

Fuck em both op, don't let them manipulate you. How dare they spoil your birthday, try to enforce a whole lockdown without seeing your long term partner and make you feel guilty like that.

I love @MrsBobDylan suggestions. They are both brilliant texts!

I'd be pretty cool with both of them in the future. Your DM sounds incredibly hard work, by the way. My own mother is in her 80s and can be irritating, but would certainly never carry on like this. I do think some elderly people seem to revert to a sort of toddler status!

I want this! And I'm old so other people have to put me first! How does her insisting family first square with the way she feels it's ok to treat you?

I'd like to say just two things. Firstly, if there's any sort of cognitive decline happening, then it'll affect the emotional side too, and the ability to see things from the other side. Not nice to have to deal with, but no point in blaming them. Better to treat it as you would the temper tantrum of a toddler.

Secondly, the emotional tie to your own children is incredibly strong, and it doesn't just disappear because your children are now adult. It's incredibly difficult to come to terms with the fact that you are no longer the most important person in their lives, that you are now below their partner, their own children, their friends, and probably their cat. Because to you, your children are still the most important people in your life.

So couple that with the increasing focus on self that can come with declining faculties, and you can get some quite horrible behaviour, which we all think we'd never be capable of ... but who knows?

@MereDintofPandiculation I think you are right, I think there is something going on there as it was a totally irrational overreaction. She has been more forgetful recently, forgetting stuff she used to be able to do. I think additionally she may be depressed as my brother was around all summer and now he isn’t, that coupled with lockdown, I guess she is in a bad place.

I have tried to call her, she picked up this time at least, I said I was calling to see how she was and if she needed anything, but she hardly said anything, I asked her if she and been anywhere, she said there’s nowhere to go and then just said goodbye and hung up again. She obviously is still not accepting she has done anything wrong.

I guess all I can do is just check in on her now and then. But I am am going to try and not take it personally, there is something going on with her.

Sorry but I'm on your Mothers side. She probably doesn't get out and about. And wont be working or seeing anyone. If she is a vulnerable person and needs help then you are a allowed to visit to help out AFAIK.

Come to the statelyhomes thread on relationships board. There's more to this. No loving mother behaves like that. Refusing to speak to you? Like a child not getting their own way.

@viviennemary She does get out, she drives still and has friends locally that she speaks to and goes out with.

My worry was mixing her with my teenagers. I still go there and deliver shopping etc, from a distance.

How come your brother isnt around your mother any more then? Shacked up with his gf by any chance? Then He’s got no right to say anything to you about having a bf if he is in the same boat.

I’d remind him like a pp said that if mum doesn’t speak to you then he is the one who will need to do all her shopping etc and has he considered that!? That might buck him up a bit. He should put right the damage he’s caused by winding her up or it’ll backfire on him.

If it were me I’d not want to leave any bad feeling between my mother and me so I’d write her a letter. Perhaps along the lines of

“Dear Mum, just a quick note as I don’t think we understood each other during our last conversation.

You visit your friend and therefore you can’t see me too. You and she are in a bubble. That’s how bubbles work. That’s the rules to keep us safe.

My kids could well be covid carriers as schools are very cramped and kids are not always able to distance from others. I don’t want them giving you a killer disease, which I could be a silent carrier of too. Every second day it seems one of the class has symptoms. So I need to keep myself and the kids away from you as much as I can. I could never forgive myself if we made you ill.

I can’t bubble with you as you’re only allowed one and yours is with your pal. I understand that and accept you want to be with her.

I can therefore either bubble with my bf or stay here and be lonely without you. So I chose to bubble with my bf.

I’m sorry how we left things. Covid is messing things up for us all but I’m very hurt that you could think I somehow don’t care about you. That could not be further from the truth. I missed you on my birthday and love you very much”

See if the written word can get through to her? If not it could be the dementia has taken over and changed her. It’s heartbreaking but it does happen. Good luck OP

@Elieza He works abroad. He has not been in a relationship for some time so has probably forgotten what it’s like!

I’ll keep trying, a letter is a good idea.

But I am am going to try and not take it personally, there is something going on with her. Yes, that's the only way. It will damage the tight emotional bond one has with even a mother you don't get on with, but it will protect your mental health, and allow room to salvage some of the nice bits of the relationship.