Mum doesn't want to allow home help for Aunt in the house

[Helgathehairy]

Long story short my Aunt lives with my mum. Aunt is mums sister-in-law. My mum is 78 and my aunt 88. After a few falls my Aunt is entitled to home help (in actual fact mum was also approved for home help but she turned it down). My Aunt was approved for 5 days a week for 30 mins at a time.

She's finally reached the top of the list after about 7 months and does feel like she needs some help with washing etc. However my mum is adamant she doesn't want anyone in the house. A few months ago mum compromised saying that she'd agree to the home help 2 days a week but now she doesn't even want to allow that.

She's claiming coronaviris as an excuse but in reality she's not bothered at all by the virus.

How do I help this situation?? My mum is VERY stubborn and admits that if I say Black she will say White because she thinks arguing with me is fun!!! (I don't find it fun in the slightest).

I can't think of anyone who mum would actually listen to! She pushes people away.

I would get in touch with social services explain that your Aunt is vulnerable and your Mum is refusing to let her have the help she is entitled to.

I'm in Ireland and things are slightly different here.

I've spoken (several times) to the community nurse over mum & my aunts case. To be honest she just seems to be going through the motions and has no actual interest in the job.

The complicating factor is the fact my Aunt lives with my mum and, I assume, mum has the right to refuse to let people in her house. My Aunt just wants to be at "home". She was in a nursing home following her discharge from hospital after her first fall and she discharged herself!

I'm not sure I have a solution for you, but what your mum is doing can be considered abuse from a professional perspective. Is she a stickler for rules? Might she feel threatened by being labelled as trouble or an abuser?

OK - this is the old fashioned option here - but I've seen it work in Ireland so I'll mention it.

Call in the Parish Priest - prime him with all the information to exert some good ol' social pressure. failing that would approaching the GP have any greater weight?

We had to do this with my FIL (not a priest, but similar) - we had this person explain that it would reflect badly on him if he didn't allow social services in. He used to be very aware of his social standing and it worked for a while . He was definitely embarrassed when the hospital refused to allow MIL home after a fall because he refused help in the home.

DPotter I don't know why I didn't think of the priest!! I did suggest she talk to the doctor and she waved it off.

It's also a very good point about how people would see her if this came out!

Mum isn't a bad person, but she has a history (and is being treated for) depression/anxiety and new situations just unsettle her and her immediate reaction to everything is "no". She has a complete inability to empathise with a situation, so because she can wash herself she can't understand why my aunt can't!

My Aunt living with mum isn't a situation either of them chose, long story, but it started with my aunt just sleeping there, then when my Dad was dying she was there constantly and then she just stayed.