Really need a listening ear re stubborn elderly parents

[sunset26]

Please don’t judge me, I get enough already.

My parents are elderly, my mum is very young, fit and active for her age (79) and my dad is 83 with failing mobility but otherwise ok and he still drives (I’ve never seen anything to suggest he no longer can). I am an only child, married with 3 young kids.

Through choice my husband and I don’t drive. My husband had bad anxiety and tried it once but hated it. I have a licence but never really drove as never felt comfortable. We live near amenities and it’s never caused us any problems. We either use trains or if really need to get somewhere we get a taxi. To those of you who drive I know you’ll probably not understand our decision to not drive as my driver friends can’t understand, but it is our choice and I’d rather not drive than drive not feeling comfortable doing it.

We live a few miles away from my mum and dad. My parents and I don’t exactly have a wonderful relationship due to my mum having what I believe to be undiagnosed depression and she also displays traits of narcissism and can be quite overbearing (e.g: if she doesn’t get what she wants she throws a childish tantrum and uses emotional blackmail and guilt trips). They both will not face up to anything. Their way of dealing with anything is to stick their heads in the sand and then shout and scream when the sh*t hits the fan.

My dad in the past few years has struggled to move about due to stiffness in his joints. It took him several years and one fall to even get a walking stick. They live in a bought house which is on two levels and no downstairs toilet. They did get an additional handrail put in on the stairs inside and leading up to the front door but that was also only after the fall that forced him to get the walking stick. His legs shake on stairs, I live in fear of the call saying he has taken a bad fall and is in hospital or worse

However the house is between two very steep hills which he can’t walk up or down as he has no balance even with the stick. Without his car he will be housebound. The shops and public transport stops are 15 mins away for me to walk. They also have a front and back garden which they do themselves (mowing with one at each end of the handle of the mower 🤦🏻‍♀️) as keep falling out with gardeners.

Their answer for when my dad stops driving? I’ve to get a car and start driving! Obviously we’d help them out with shopping and stuff but we feel it’s unfair to just expect this to happen to facilitate their choice to live in what’s clearly a dangerous situation. Also, my husband and I work so between work and the kids how does me driving solve their problem of being isolated in their house when he stops driving? Helping is one thing but it seems like they think we are going to be their mode of transport.

My mum told me last year ‘you’ll have to get a car now’. I told her I’d help but not going to drive’. She said ‘oh so you are just going to leave us are you?’, ‘after all we’ve done for you, giving you lifts places’, etc. When I said I’d go shopping with her we’d get a taxi and I’d pay both ways, her reply was at taxi driver can’t help us up the garden path’. No that’s be me wouldn’t it .

I get constant jibes peppered into conversations about how my cousins ‘are so good to their mothers’, and some other more blatant comments. Their latest stunt was my dad last week telling my car crazy 8 year old son that mummy or daddy will be getting a car soon as he will be stopping driving!!

I feel ambushed and bullied into doing something I’m not comfortable with (not can afford, we have high rent and outgoings). The guilt is awful too and really getting me down. I feel like an awful person as I know not driving is obviously causing my parents to become isolated when the time comes he doesn’t drive anymore but it’s also their decision to stay there causing it too so why should I shoulder all the blame?

Thanks for listening.

Btw, I don’t know where the word young came from in the first line, I think I’d meant to say she seems young

Don't feel guilty. They're selfish.
They're bullying you. Say you won't be getting a car but will help when you have time and not at work or busy with the kids.
Suggest that they move house, but I know from experience that they probably won't. If they make the choice to stay then they can deal with the consequences. My mother also shouts and becomes demanding when she doesn't get her own way. I don't react to her anymore.

Your parents are adults. They have a responsibility to plan their own care. If they cannot manage where they are, it is their responsibility to move house while they are still able to.

They are not your responsibility. You don't have children just so you have someone to care for you and drive you around. By all means help them out when you can, of course, but don't feel like you need to start driving just for them.

You have made your decision about driving and planned your life around that - taxis, living near to the shops and public transport, etc. Your parents must do the same.

They can get food shopping and prescriptions delivered if they won't move house. There is usually some form of ambulance service that takes people to and from hospital appointments if required.

Thank you both Zenithbear and Gettingthereslowly2020 for your replies. I agree with everything you said. I feel they are being very selfish and should take responsibility for themselves but they seem obsessed with that house. I know they’ll never move as they won’t even face up to the problem. They plan to just push it all on to me

OP - provided they have the means to do so there are many ways that they can buy in assistance as they get older. They can not pin the responsibility on you . From personal experience though do not expect them to realise this , and do not expect them to be anything but resentful .

It’s easier said than done , especially when someone is narcissistic , but you will just have to keep sticking to your guns. Please know that you are not in the wrong and do not let it damage you . It’s easy to say that we should care for elders - but not all elders are the same.

Community transport will pick up from the doorstep so your contribution can be that you'll help them register for it when the time comes.

Would a mobility scooter get him up the hill to the shops? It is their choice to live where they do, if they don't like the consequences of that then they can move. There are choices other than you but they won't explore any of them as long as there's a possibility of you becoming their personal taxi service. You have nothing to feel guilty about, they are making their choices and you get to make yours. They do not get to dictate what you do, your life is your own and not an extension of theirs. Every time driving and cars come up, give it a hard no. If it's awkward, let it be awkward, every single time.

The savings on insurance alone will pay for a fair few taxis.

They are selfish.
Why can’t you have your dad’s car instead of having to buy one ?
And unfortunately their reliance on you is going to get far worse.

Bluejewel, yes you are so right, they’ll never realise this or accept it. It’s basically their way or the highway. More so my mum, but my dad goes along with everything she says and does. It’s very difficult with dealing with an narcissistic parent at the best of times but an elderly one is the worst as they want to put all the blame and responsibility on to someone, in my case, me!

Knotaknitter, yes community transport will be a help to them and is definitely an option. As for a mobility scooter that would definitely help however sadly my mums ‘what will the neighbours think’ attitude will put a stop to that as in her head of denial ‘there’s nothing wrong with him’ (except for when putting me on a guilt trip and they become these poor vulnerable pensioners ). She looks for problems in everything and just wants an easy option of being ferried about everywhere. It doesn’t help at all that she is sisters who get ferried about by their sons and daughters.

FippertyGibbett, I agree they are being selfish.
I think it’s because I’d said ages ago I’d only ever get an automatic car if I ever did why they wouldn’t give me their car.

Yes this is what’s getting me down so much, it’s only going to get worse 😞

I would just try and not engage, it seems like your Mum is deliberately trying to pick a fight/create some drama - I've found with elderly parents it's best to not try and think too far into the future about things you don't have control over, planning is good but there really is no point stressing about how you will hypothetically help your mum get her hypothetical shopping up her garden path at some unknown point in the future when they no longer have a car (which surely is an issue whether you drive yourself or take a taxi) - your Mum will always have some answer or bone to pick whatever you say, it's probably her own anxieties about getting old and losing her independence coming out but not in a very nice way . I'd just try and get into the habit of saying 'mm hmm' 'we'll see' or similar rather than getting into arguments, don't promise anything you aren't prepared to see more but equally try and not give them anything to argue about and change the subject where you can, or if they persist say 'we've discussed this mum, there's nothing to be gained by going over it'. Be a bit naive/dim and when she's on about how wonderful your cousins etc act as though you don't know why she's saying it and say 'oh really? good for them. how nice' or similar.

It's horrible that they are prepared to try and get at you through the kids but again I'd try and keep it light hearted with the kids, 'ah ha ha silly grandad's got it wrong' rather than confusing them by making it a big deal...

Sympathies, sounds rough but do protect your own sanity where you can!

do thy have a car club in the town where you live.
this would be cheaper than buying, and no running costs.
you pay a joining fee and then use a car from a pool, booked in advance. it's quite a good idea for people who only need occasional use.
don't know what to say about your parents. they can be difficult, stubborn, awkward, but i'd give anything to still have mine to do something for. totally irreplaceable. good luck.

Very difficult to listen to Sunset. When they say you are leaving them to it, it implies that there are only two options: you dedicating your life to them, driving though it clearly makes it you anxious, or them being abandoned. This is clearly not the case, and they are being dramatic and manipulative. It's actually quite sad. If your DM was less hard work, it would be easier to negotiate this stuff, and make time spent with her more enjoyable. My DF (now deceased) used to manage to be charm itself to the district nurses, but felt under no obligation to use his social skills on me at all . What you are offering is perfectly reasonable. Maybe her sisters are generally pleasanter with their children, and her children feel differently about driving? I do drive, but completely get why you might not want to. I find it much more stressful than I did when I was younger. Stick to your guns. If you allow them to force your hand over this you will just feel resentful and stressed.

I think you need to be blunt from the start - it will be hard. ‘No we aren’t getting a car, we have no need for one.’ Could you sit down with them and try to have a discussion about issues that might come up? Point out you have 3 children, and you and your husband both work. Ask them where they think the time will come for shopping and dropping at appointments etc. Point out that her sister has numerous children available to help, not just one. Do not let them convince you to drive, it is not some magical answer. Set up online shopping, give them the number of a taxi firm. It’s quite selfish of your mum to put your dad at such a high risk of having a fall, and the maintenance of a house and garden will only get harder for them.

It’s so hard, you have my sympathy. It’s certainly true about roles reversing and children having to be the responsible ones whilst the parents get more petulant!

Could they each get a sit on scooter thing (the name of them escapes me at the moment - showing my age ) Or would they not be safe on these either?

It will get worse. My DM ended up on antidepressants and BP medication running round after my GP.
Old people 'scrimp and save all their lives for a rainy day' so we're constantly told. Well now it's raining.
Gardeners, cleaners, pharmacy delivery, taxis, community transport, carers etc etc. There's no help that can't be paid for.
They must live with the consequences of their life choices. As will you.
Don't be my DM.

Thank you everyone for your support, it’s just nice to hear it from others that I’m not being dramatic or over sensitive to think my parents are being unreasonable.

alexdgr8, it’s a good suggestion however it’s also that I don’t want to drive not so much about can’t afford it. I just don’t feel comfortable. I’m so sorry to hear that your parents aren’t around any more and can totally see what you mean. This is part of why I feel so crap about it, one day my parents won’t be around and they’ve made me feel like I’ve failed them by trying to force me into something I don’t want or feel safe doing just to please them. When they go I’ll feel horrendous .

"I feel like an awful person as I know not driving is obviously causing my parents to become isolated when the time comes he doesn’t drive anymore but it’s also their decision to stay there causing it too so why should I shoulder all the blame?"
You shouldn't shoulder ANY of the blame, because this is not your doing - it's all on them.

They choose to live in a hilly area.
They choose to live in a house with no downstairs toilet.
They choose to avoid using walking aids.
They choose not to consider mobility scooters.
They choose to put responsibility for their choices onto you.

"I get constant jibes peppered into conversations about how my cousins ‘are so good to their mothers’, and some other more blatant comments."
I'm going to make a suggestion here that is not for the faint-hearted. It will provoke a full-on tantrum from your mother, much wailing and recriminations from both, but if you go in expecting it, you might find you can sit there and let it wash over you.

Respond with 'Well I think you should move to a more suitable house. This one's already too much for you to cope with. If you're not going to take care of yourselves I don't see why you think I should.'

Like I said, not for the faint-hearted. But I think you need a change of tack. What you've been doing so far is having no impact. They're continuing as before, ignoring anything you say and expecting you to be the dutiful subservient daughter who will jump when they click their fingers. Whatever you have said until now, they still believe that's what's going to happen. That's why I'm suggesting this - essentially throwing a hand-grenade into the conversation. I really think you may have to do something that shocking to them (and you) for them to even consider that you're not going to get a car and do as you're told.

It will also give your mother something to complain about endlessly to her sisters. I suspect she will find that very satisfying, in her own narcissistic way.

Could you invent yourself a nice driving ban or too many points on your licence which means you don’t be able to help them?

You've been guilt-tripped. You need to change your mindset. Their wants don't trump yours. You can't jump to for their demands indefinitely because one day they won't be here. People live very long lives these days.
Neither of my parents made it to 70. My DM died only six months after my GM who was nudging 90.
They've had a lifetime to prepare for old age and failed miserably. Not your fault and not your responsibility.

EVERY time they bring it up, turn it around and all them when they're moving somewhere more suitable.

@PuppyMonkey

Could you invent yourself a nice driving ban or too many points on your licence which means you don’t be able to help them?

See the thing is, while I'm not averse to a nice white lie from time to time, I don't think this will work. This whole situation is not really about the car, the OP's parents don't actually currently stand in any need of a car/driver, the Dad still drives and has a perfectly good car, even if that changes there are a range of solutions (that aren't the OP becoming their chauffeur) available to any reasonably person, some of them suggested on this thread or by OP herself.

This is all about trying to exert control over the OP and making her feel frightened about the future and guilty if she doesn't comply. Even if she comes up with a cast iron non negotiable reason for the driving thing, there'll be some new inconvenient request demand for help tomorrow. The OP needs tactics to deal with this long-term, grey rock and not stressing about what you can't change, helping where you can but not to the detriment of your own health and family would be my preference but perhaps others would go for an all out conflict/row, each to their own....

*ask them

I feel for you because as an only child you have no-one to share this burden with. They want you to drive to run them around- unless you nip this in the bud now they may expect this.

You have 3 children. That is enough right there. I'm getting this a bit from in laws, I don;t drive either, I notice they are getting their grand-daughter ti run them around and she has starting putting her foot down- same situation, they could move but don't.

Kind thoughts. I found a useful forum online called Out of the FOG it mentions not to JADE (justify, explain etc) the not driving, just to kind of change the subject or say 'what a shame' or something vague like that.

i am trying things like 'so what do you think you will do' putting the responsibility back, but tend to get 'I don't know'.

They sound very manipulative.

Don't reward them for it.

Also as over 60s they will have a free bus pass which can be used for travel. Just a thought.