Finding it very hard to be patient with elderly Mum

[Chicchicchicchiclana]

As the title says!

As she gets older, my mother needs me more and more. She lives "independently" but relies on my as her emotional dumping ground, while my older brother is asked for more practical help.

She has been suffering from diagnosed anxiety on and off for the past 20 years (coinciding with me becoming a parent, funnily enough) but has had poor mental health for as long as I can remember including a spell of full-blown alcoholism for a few years, and then occasional problem drinking afterwards that carried on until quite recently.

Because of the alcoholism (which became apparent when I was in my late teens/early 20s) and her depression dating back to when she got divorced from my father (when I was 11 or 12) I am just not close to her. I stopped phoning her for years because I never knew what state she would be in when she answered the phone - she would answer even when totally pissed but deny she had been drinking.

So. We're not close. I know she loves us and I know she loves my children. I love her in my own way, but she has never been a source of happiness or comfort to me - always an out an out worry. She is a drain, unfortunately, which I think I would be able to cope with now that she is very old except that I didn't have 50 or so happy years with her preceding it! For example, since her anxiety diagnosis 20 years ago I don't think I have had one single conversation with her where she hasn't mentioned it. She believes it's "good to talk" no matter how the listener might feel.

She has taken to ringing me a lot more and sharing every single tiny thing that goes wrong, and talking about it as if it's an utter disaster. The saga over her central heating timer went on for weeks. It is fuss, fuss, fuss. I know this is how it goes when people get older and live on their own without many friends of family left to talk to. I know that. But I have been absorbing all her problems for so many years, it's almost like now she legitimately needs me to help her out a bit mentally - all my resources have gone.

Does anyone understand? What can I do? Please help, it's making me feel stressed. I can't relax.

I totally understand. While my situation is different in some ways to yours, my DM drives me mad with the constant phone calls about the washing machine (she stands and watches it, ringing to tell me that the drum has stopped going round and it must be broken!), the TV is always a problem as she presses the wrong buttons on the remote and her mobile phone are the usual subjects.

She too suffers from anxiety, she is on medication but flatly refuses counselling of any kind. It is draining..don't feel bad. I try not to snap at her but sometimes it really does get to me and I have been a little sharp with her (which I then regret and feel terrible for!)

Oh and I didn't answer your question..not a lot you can do except maybe switch your phone off at a certain time of the day and take some time out to relax. I listen to the daily calm on the Calm app, it really helps (even though is does usually make me nod off!) Or maybe you could contact a befriending service who could ring her regularly and she can let off steam to them rather than you?

What can you do? Boundaries. Don't always answer the phone - decide how many calls you can cope with and limit it it to a bit less than that. If necessary get a new phone for friends and rest of family, so you can simply switch off the "mum" phone. Limit the length of calls ("Sorry, visitor just arrived, must go") even when you don't need to. It'll be hard, but you yourself recognise she's using up all your resources - if you don't keep yourself well, you won't be able to help her at all.

I agree, firm boundaries don't let her steal any more of your happiness and your time, you deserve to live, to feel fulfilled, discover your own potential etc
she has chosen to Sabotage her own life, do not let her also sabotage yours!

I read a brilliant quote once that described my mother to a t - she [my mum] is the victim of the cage she imprisoned herself in long ago.

I am watching this thread with interest as I've grown increasingly despondent around my Mum to the point last year when I actually went for counselling. I realised how little emotional support I got from her when growing up and only realised that when my own kids were reaching certain milestones. I on the other hand was pretty much left to get on with it.
I could accept that but even now she shows no interest in anything I do or say but chucks in casual comments that undermine my self confidence.
I don't think there is much you can do. I try to adopt a grey stone approach and let it wash over me and think of her as a wee old lady I visit once a week. But it's hard because I have this expected emotional attachment because she's my mother. There is the perception of the 'mother cult' that they are wondrous humans, all encompassing of nurturing their kids when they are just humans with all the usual faults.
I can understand that my own mother comes from a long line of matriarchal emotional neglect but I still find it difficult to reconcile with her because I do challenge her views but she just crumples and that too is passive aggressive emotional manipulation.
She has shown no interest or asked any meaningful question about my life ever. It's hard. I have two brothers who are listened to and almost worshipped but I'm expected to be the emotional dogsbody just like she was with my Gran.
I was not a planned kid and I think it knocked her own mental wellbeing and existence sideways. She had me when she was 40 and I didn't have my own kids until my 30s so she is well into her 90s now but has forgotten the concept (if indeed she ever had any in the first place) that my teenage kids are more of a priority in my life than she is. I didn't visit last week because my son was off ill and I was genuinely worried about him. When I called to tell her I wouldn't be popping in she just replied 'ok see you next week then, bye'. Didn't even ask what was up with DS. The penny finally dropped two days later when she phoned to see how he was. It's at these times when as a mother myself I would love to lean on her a bit for sage advise and support or at least even a bit of understanding but it's just not there.

When they are alone in the house with nothing significant to do you get a list of what housework/tv/reading/gardening etc they have done all day. Very boring. But that’s their life. And now all the pensioners clubs up here are shut it’s even less for them to do.

I wish I knew the answer OP but I feel your pain.

I totally get it OP, it is just so frustrating and it does get you down at times. No miracle answer sadly . Keep your chin up.

When I called to tell her I wouldn't be popping in she just replied 'ok see you next week then, bye'. That sounds to me like a comment in the first moments of the overwhelming disappointment when a visit she'd come to rely on has been cancelled. Then slowly she realised she'd been a cow, and rang to ask about DS.

She maybe rubbish emotionally, but it doesn't mean that in her life you aren't important. Your children will always be of prime importance to you - it hurts when they rightfully start their independent lives and you are a non-necessary decoration at the side.

@MereDintofPandiculation you are right. She probably was disappointed but I didn’t have the bandwidth for that right at that moment. Had some real serious stuff going on with DS, but I couldn’t discuss it with her, she would offer no empathy, sympathy, advice, listening ear and probably dwell on the issue, eventually making some useless comment that would serve no purpose. This I know from past experience.
Each week there is something that makes the visit onerous. This week I said I’d be there between 1230-1300. I arrived at 1249 but she’d already been on the phone to my brother to ask if he knew where I was. He then phoned me which I couldn’t reply to as I was driving. I do sometimes wonder if she’s on the spectrum as she has to do things at the exact time in the same days.
I come back from holiday, she asks nothing about it but then goes into great detail about her neighbour’s hedge getting cut.
She has always been like this.
She also makes comments like ‘you best go and get DH’s dinner on or he’ll throw you out’ or ‘does DH mind you going out with the girls’ or ‘does DH mind you going to do the odd day at work’.
She lives her life by certain rules and expects me to live in exactly the same way. I have spent over 30 years proving that I’ll live according to my rules but she still has to make her snide comments. My two brothers do not receive such comments. She is a man pleaser and I don’t mean that in a sexual way. Just believes that we women are here only to serve our men’s bidding. It’s very draining. But not to hijack OP’s thread.
It’s hard when parents get old but perhaps easier to bear when the parent has been there for you so you’re happy to give back. Partly because the parent has shown you how by being caring themself and partly because you have a deep bond and connection. When they haven’t always done so and with age, begin to make more demands of you, it can feel like they are still treating you like that child, the one who never got listened to, whose needs were ignored. I know it’s not always their fault but it’s not the child’s either and we can still feel guilty.

Woollyslippers sounds very like my mum.

My daughter went off travelling the world for two years when she was eighteen and when she came back my mum talked non-stop for over an hour about her recent holiday to Spain with detailed breakdowns of every meal (including alternative options on the menu she wished she’d had instead).

Didn’t ask one single question. Wasn’t interested.

She’s got some admirable qualities; she is resilient, practical and organised but is utterly self absorbed, lacks emotional insight and any imaginative perception of others having inner lives.

I know her favourite foods, authors, T.V and opinions on everything inside out but she hasn't a clue who I am.

I ran out of resources dealing will her this week, the strain of bottling up my resentment at her continual self absorption made me feel quite ill.

I found this article online and reading it and the comments under it left me feeling less alone.

www.coveyclub.com/blog_posts/daughter-hates-caring-aging-mother/

winterlight thank you so much for that article. Resonated with me sooo much...

Great article. Just finished reading it

I come back from holiday, she asks nothing about it but then goes into great detail about her neighbour’s hedge getting cut. My father was like this. And then I realised that he spent all day listening to radio 4, and that his real need was to talk - not to have a conversation - but be able to say things and have someone listen. He had nobody else in his life to listen except me. So I used to tell him all the family news by email, and then alongside the neighbours' doings, he'd sometimes talk about things I'd told him in an email.

Yeah, the sexism is annoying, but it was the way that generation was brought up. Difficult to shed beliefs instilled into you in your formative years. I say "that generation" but I'm talking rural UK for people in their 90s, not my generation (now 70-ish).

Thanks Mere, I’ll keep that tip in my toolbox - here to listen!

I’m finding this so useful and comforting. I would really welcome some advice too. My mother is 84 and widowed . We have always had a very difficult relationship. I have two younger siblings who have had a completely different experience to me growing up. I was the eldest and left to fend for myself. No love, no nurturing or support. Both my parents could be very unpleasant, but I haven’t had any positive experiences with my mother. Over my life she has made bitchy, spiteful remarks and had never been there when I’ve needed support.
My brother has not done much to help her. He lives nearby but will not visit very often. Perhaps once a year when she specifically asks. My sister lives further away and will visit once a year for a few days.
Until recently I have been doing a lot to help and support her. Things went relatively well for a year or so, then she made a spiteful remark I found incredibly hurtful and didn’t get in touch for a year . Things were smoothed over, then the same thing happened again. My brother is stepping up more now and so is my sister. I cannot bring myself to go round and talk to her again. She never apologises and when I try to talk to her about the past she has amnesia.
I’m not prepared to let her talk to me the way she does. However it seems I either never see her again or continue to swallow the upset. I hate spending time with her. She talks about herself constantly and weaves put downs into the conversation. Because I have no bond with her and no positive experiences there is nothing to bolster me. My siblings are impatient with me and think I should just accept she is the way she is. However she doesn’t talk to them the way she does me.
Every conversation is about her own world. She doesn’t know who I am as a person and all her opinions on me seem to be negative. I think she does try, but truthfully she doesn’t like me. I don’t like her either.
My siblings won’t really discuss her with me and I think they feel I need to get over myself and deal with it.
What should I do? Sorry if I seem to be hijacking your thread, OP.

@Woollyslippers I know exactly how feel, big hugs

However it seems I either never see her again or continue to swallow the upset. I hate spending time with her. So what do you actually want to happen? It is difficult to know what to do unless you know what outcome you want.

It may be your desired outcome is "to have a mother that loves me and cares about me". But that probably isn't possible. So taking your mother as she is, and assuming she will behave in the future as she has in the past, what do you want? Do you want contact (and somehow not to care about the hurtful comments)? Think about this before you start thinking about how to achieve it.

@MereDintofPandiculation

However it seems I either never see her again or continue to swallow the upset. I hate spending time with her. So what do you actually want to happen? It is difficult to know what to do unless you know what outcome you want.

It may be your desired outcome is "to have a mother that loves me and cares about me". But that probably isn't possible. So taking your mother as she is, and assuming she will behave in the future as she has in the past, what do you want? Do you want contact (and somehow not to care about the hurtful comments)? Think about this before you start thinking about how to achieve it.

You make a very good point. I think what I would like is for her to exercise restraint in the things she says and the way she behaves. However I don’t think she’s capable of that. So I suppose the answer is that I would like to continue to see her in a limited way, perhaps once a month, and not be triggered by her constantly. I’ve tried for years not to react or show I’m upset, but I am tired of swallowing my feelings.

Sending hugs to everyone else in this thread. It’s hard.

I think what I would like is for her to exercise restraint in the things she says and the way she behaves. Sadly, her behaviour is the thing you don't have control over. You can control only your reaction to it, whether that's to learn to let it run off without hurting, or to limit your contact to a level you find tolerable.

@Runningdownthathill My take on it is this. If it was anyone else then we'd take ourselves out of the situation and never feel guilty about it - you know if it was a co-worker, random person in a shop, person on your bus every morning, even your partner can become your ex more easily than a parent. If anyone else but a parent triggered you that much you'd cut them out your life or ignore them without a second thought. However there are societal and personal ties with a parent, things that are expected and normalised and even innate because they are our parents. I imagine it would be similar for a child who was vile to their parents and it would be difficult to cut them out.
It's because of this expectation and guilt that makes it so hard.

Try reading 'Running on Empty' all about childhood emotional neglect and it's followup Running on Empty No More which might give you pointers on how to manage this.

@Woollyslippers
Thank you. I’ll look for those books.

She’s got some admirable qualities; she is resilient, practical and organised but is utterly self absorbed, lacks emotional insight and any imaginative perception of others having inner lives.

Sounds just like my mum. And because she's so strong practically I find it really hard to deal with her being an emotional jellyfish, especially as she's no stranger to emotional blackmail.

Shes got every reason to get upset atm, and it's a terrible thing to say/think but when she gets upset it just makes me angry and desperate to get away.

MintyCedric I have a similar strong very visceral reaction to my mum getting upset; a complicated mix of panic, anger and confusion.
She has no idea because I’m good at in holding it together and playing the concerned daughter.

She never modelled compassion when I was a child. When I got upset and needed hugs, sympathy and listening she’d offer practical (mostly bad) advice instead.
She very rarely cries but when she does it’s in frustration (loss of control) rather than in sadness.

I panic inwardly when I realise ‘Blimey I should really be giving her a hug right now’ because it doesn’t come easy. I did surprise myself my kissing her on the top of her old head last week though.

It doesn’t help that she’s cried wolf a lot of times when she just wants a bit of attention.
Usually I end up on my knees with the stress and running around thinking she’s seriously unwell and suddenly she’s right as rain and has a big list of things she wants me to get from Amazon.

It doesn’t help that she’s cried wolf a lot of times when she just wants a bit of attention. Usually I end up on my knees with the stress and running around thinking she’s seriously unwell...

Oh yes...and of course sometimes she is which makes it even more complicated.

My mum to be fair was not uncompassionate - more smothering if anything, and as I got into my teens became more controlling because she wanted to put me off doing anything outside her comfort zone.

I really have to force myself to physically comfort her when she gets upset. It's the self-obsession that pisses me off.

We found out in March that my Dad is dying...it seems of frailty so it's lots of ups and downs and no timescale. I don't think she has once acknowledged the fact that I'm losing my dad.

I don't think she has once acknowledged the fact that I'm losing my dad

So sorry to hear that. My dad is at the end of his life too. He was CHC fast tracked in January with the expectation that he’d last until April but is still holding on, just.

He has dementia so it’s been a long, painful letting go but my mum has never acknowledged the toll it has all taken on me.

Increasingly too I see her trying to position me into taking on his role. He Was Richard to her Hyacinth Bucket