Worrying

[Peterbear]

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Worrying about mum dying! She's not even I'll but I am driving myself nuts worrying about what I'll do without her when she dies. Hardly seen her since lockdown and suffering with anxiety.its been awful .we're a small family and I'll be pretty much alone when she's gone. Does anyone else ruminate/torture themselves like this? Trying to be rational as she's a fairly healthy 77 yr old but just can't shake off this feeling and enjoy her whilst she's here.anyone else do this?

Anyone else ?

do you keep in regular touch with your mum, either on social media or video calling, is she in your bubble so you can visit her? it's natural to worry about our family at this difficult time but you say she is in good health. I worry about my mum who is now 90 and I can't visit her but we keep in touch several times a week. Does your mum have friends and local support? Does she know how you feel?

No she's not in my bubble and lives a couple of hours away.we text most days.she has good friends and neighbours so she's not desperately isolated.i haven't told her as I don't want to worry her but it really has become a huge deal now and am slightly obsessed! Just dread it so much. I'm aware I'm lucky that she's young-ish and healthy-ish just can't stop ruminating.

My DM is almost 80 and I know I am not going to have her forever. However I don't really worry about it as I accept that death is part of life. In fact she and I often talk and joke about when she is gone. She likes to make sure I know what she wants to happen and where everything is. I think we are both just very pragmatic people.

That all sounds very healthy.i need to take a pragmatic lead out of your book! I'm just so bloody emotional about everything!

I understand how you feel, my mother is in poor health but I find talking to her on video call or phone to be far more reassuring than text. Often when someone says they're doing fine on text it sounds like they just don't want to talk about their health but on video you can see how the deliver that sentence and get a feel for their mood. Turns out my mom just liked to grumble sometimes about her aches and pains but actually is quite upbeat and this helps me to stop worrying about her.

Ive also planned to isolate for 2 weeks and get a private covid test in order to safely see her at Christmas (if home mixing is allowed). This means I can stop worrying about making the most of the time with her, I find making plans, no matter how far away or simple helps me to feel I'm making the most of her while she is around. Sometimes we sit on benches in the graveyard (less people around) and talk from a long distance wearing masks, just to feel like we are in each others presence.

I hope you can find some peace with it and enjoy some video calls or socially distanced walks with her in the future

If you're worried about being pretty much alone when she's gone then perhaps invest in the relationships you do have to feel more connected to those people and give you more of a sense of belonging? Write letters to distant cousins, get in touch over Facebook, get to know your neighbours, that sort of thing? Or try to create new connections by joining zoom groups that interest you etc? Some of the fear of loss has to do with how it causes us to reassess our own lives so you could try addressing this before she dies to reduce some of your anxiety on that front. Easier said than done I know, but really you have nothing to lose by giving it a try. I would also self refer to your local counselling service to help you work through your fears. I had some for health anxiety and although it was difficult it really was very helpful.

Thankyou mrsmigginsmate - I hear you and yes plans are good to have in place even distant plans. I do need to address some of this fear of the future. Hope you get to see your mum at some point over xmas. X

I find it helpful to remember remaining life expectancy. A 77 year old woman on average has another 12 years of life. So even more if she's currently healthy. So try to give yourself permission not to worry about it for, say, 3 years. And meanwhile follow MrsMigginsMate's advice.