MIL unhappy after moving near us

[jamfiend]

Hi, sorry this is long - hoping for some advice please or shared experiences. My widowed MIL moved very close to us almost 2 years ago but has not settled and is very lonely and homesick still. Not helped by a freak accident/fall that put her in hospital shortly after moving in and then a long slow recovery - with help from carers and us - and then just as she’s up and about again COVID began, meaning all local groups etc are off so it’s virtually impossible to make new friends. She has lost confidence in driving on her own, or going out anywhere generally. She calls old friends quite often and I spend time with her as much as I can every week, juggling work, kids etc but we don’t always see eye to eye so I need to be in right frame of mind lol. DH gets her weekly shopping and spends an hour chatting on a Saturday too. She essentially is unhappy as she misses familiar surroundings, local friends and feels she’s lost her purpose after years caring for FIL. Thought making new friends would be easy. We didn’t force this move (we were 3 hours apart before) but it made a lot of sense at the time and she was keen to do it. Now it all seems to have backfired massively due to circumstances nobody could predict. what would you do to help? Thanks in advance x

This hasn't been the best year for settling in anywhere new; but presumably in her old neighbourhood her social life would have been restricted, too. Could you encourage her to hang on as, come spring, things could be looking up and she could join groups and start making friends? If she really hates it, she could always move back - but of course, it wouldn't be to her old house and maybe that's what she's missing, too. You could start looking around for social groups/volunteering opportunities so that she has something in mind when things are more normal. How old is she? If she's not still convalescing from her fall, perhaps she'd be better getting her own shopping and being out and about seeing people.

i don't think going out and about, seeing people, is a good idea at the moment for older people.
they should avoid as much meeting and mingling as possible.
is she over 80 ? will she be one of the first to get the vaccine ?

Hi and thanks, she’s in her early 70s and not wanting to go to the shops now, initially because of the virus (she was regularly going to Lidl before) but during lockdown she has lost some mobility, put on more weight and got more anxious. I’m worried by the time the virus is more under control she won’t be so able to get out and about. I guess as you say Katy we need to encourage her to hang on. I’m trying to help her find positives but it’s tricky.

Happened to a close relative of mine, she moved to live near her DD and it just didn't work out, eventually she moved back to her original town and was much happier, still there and living alone in her mid 90s. It is a very difficult year for moving with so many of the usual opportunities to make friends and join groups just not available.

This is a long shot. Do you know personally any lockdown teens / unemployed students/ neighbours kids who you could pay to befriend her for the next few months?
There are lots of amazing young people looking for non existent jobs. They could FaceTime or offer to go a short walk if bubble restrictions allowed.
Another long shot is seeing if a yoga teacher would do a couple of 15 minute sessions with her a week?
Another would be to physically give her something to keep her busy. Does she like ironing ? Can she knit or make face masks? Just little tasks really to expand her world.
Hopefully everything will improve.
My parents moved closer at 72 then moved away again at 74. I so wish they had remained nearby.

Does your MIL go outside for exercise ?
Or garden
Or shopping
Or house work
Just concerned that she my loose strength & mobility if things are done for her, rather than her doing things for herself

I believe Age UK have a befriended service. Obviously no one can call atm but they do a telephone service I think. Maybe contact them and get some advice.

Yes there's definitely a befriending service through Age Concern in our County, I've suggested to DFIL that he volunteers although that seems to be falling on deaf ears atm

Rinse has some great suggestions too.

Where we are the U3A is very active with a wide variety of classes and groups. I know that they're not meeting now but it might be something for her to look into. Ours does things like Yoga, walking and indoor bowling that would all help to build up her strength and hopefully talk to sone local people.

If she's not considered it before, it might be worth considering a retirement village if there's a decent one nearby. In non-convid times the one my DM us in can have upto 4 activities a day.

I work for a heritage centre locally and we have lots of volunteers around the same age. There’s lots of different roles-stewarding, gardening, filing, local history etc etc. We can fit it round the individuals. Lots of the volunteers forge friendships with the other volunteers and it becomes a ready made social circle. We are meeting virtually over lockdown, we have helped the most unteach savvy people onto zoom and similar?
Just a thought.