How do we help our parents make their next move?

[Belleende]

I really need some advice. Elderly parents currently living in rural Donegal. Have decided to move back to Northern Ireland. They are currently totally independent, and own a house outright, have some savings and a decent monthly pension between them.

We are trying to help them make the move north, but we really don't understand the system.

If they liquidate all their assets and rent an apartment, but at some point need in home care/residential care, I understand they will have to self fund. But having seen the cost of care, what happens when their funds are depleted? Also what happens if one of them needs nursing care but the other is still able to live independently.

I am not sure what accommodation options they have. Housing executive offers sheltered housing, but that seems to be for people more infirm than them. There doesn't seem to be a retirement village option.

Any sources of advice will be really helpful. It does need to be Northern Ireland specific as I think the Care Act is not applicable there.

Many thanks

The Alzheimers Society has a section on paying for care home fees in NI

Woodbrook village in Omagh is billed as a retirement village. Maybe they could answer your questions..

I assume they have asked you to investigate the next step and want to make changes, you don't say what their wishes or medical needs are. Here in uk you can gift an amount of money but must live for 7 more years to avoid death duties

Best to pay for local financial advice in my experience it pays for itself to pay for proper advice

Thanks all.

I have found a financial advisor through SOLLA and have figured out why it is really hard to figure out the next step. They want to be in Derry, and there are no retirement options other than through the housing executive, which only has one bed places available, which is not what they want.

The only alternative is renting or buying a flat in a private block, but all of them have multiple air B&B units in them, and the places they want I think would appeal to a younger demographic. My dad is not the most tolerant of people so I don't think this will work.

Beginning to think Derry is not the answer...

Why can't they buy a bungalow? Since they'll have a property? Is it that they want to move back to a more expensive housing area? What will they gain? Can they buy on outskirts where property is cheaper? It doesn't sound that dad is the type to want to live in a housing scheme if he can feel a bit intolerant of others living too close, so a semi detached bungalow might be best.

It's a big jump from peacefulness of living rurally in their own place with space to living close proximity to others in a town.

There are less choice/ less care homes and retirement sheltered places in Ireland both north and southern, than in rest of U.K., and it operates a slightly different system. You can't guard against one needing a nursing home and one remaining independent as that's is incredibly different needs - it'd be same anywhere though, if so, that they'd be split up in that case requiring different accomodation and care support. I don't know any care home in mainland that caters for someone with nursing needs and independent person in the same room/ floor of a care home unless one or both want to privately fund

My dad is very set against the responsibility of home ownership, and bungalows are as rare as hens teeth. I think the reality is what they want does not exist in Derry. There is no market for private retirement complexes, it is all local authority, and if they go LA they will only get a one bed place, which they reallllly don't want.

This is so hard, and so frustrating, they have more money coming in than any of their children. They could be closer to any of us, and would be welcome, but my dad says no.

Bell Your DF has set the brief for this game which he has no intention to follow- even were you to find the answer...

it’s diversion tactics on his part
@ThighthighOfthigh came out with an outstanding comment in the Cockroach Cage in September which sums up beautifully these types of challenges, dangled to get us off their backs:
it’s a very interesting pastime that oldies have, requesting lots of research and acting on none of it
He’s not ready to move so just forget it for a year or five

Incase it would be helpful to understand the 'rules' in NI, https://www.nidirect.gov.uk/articles/your-home-your-assets-and-your-residential-care-or-nursing-home-fees might be useful.

Thanks all, @Rinsefirst I would normally agree with you, but his brother died last year, their neighbour friend has moved back into Derry, and I think the pandemic has really increased their sense of isolation. I do think they want to move.

I had envisaged them in a private retirement complex, there are loads where I live, but none in Derry. I think we just have to get them shifted and go from there.

I do hope he moves. I had this with my parents relentlessly. All through her 60s my mum wanted to be near her two daughters. At 72 they moved near not without a whole catalogue of disasters. Two very unhappy years followed where they yearned to be free of the city and traffic lights and by 74 they were off again an hour away with no public transport. Dementia was already a feature of my mum’s behaviour.
But my dad was adamant and until he died at the age of 83 he wouldn’t move. We were battling with him as my mum needed assistance he couldn’t provide.
Future proofing couldn’t have been further from their minds. We ended up with my mum sectioned and my dad dying in an accident without power of attorney at 83. Nightmare. For almost 20 years they led us a merry dance about what they wanted. Only when my DF died did we realise they actually had no idea. They only knew what they didn’t want Only you and siblings can judge whether your parents will actually follow through and move. I hate to think of all the wasted time we had and wouldn’t wish that on you. We were dealing with two adults with limited capacity between them. Sending you lots of positive thoughts for a happy outcomes. Be sure to get POA.

That is very wise advice. Sorry you had such a nightmare. I can totally see a scenario where they move, aren't happy, move again etc.

I so think they should move near me. Lovely little town, lots of retirement options, everywhere walkable, easy access for my other siblings and the two youngest grandchildren are here. I think they could be happy here. My dad would not consider it. Too big a move for him.