Grandmother dying, grandad has dementia- how to support?

[Perkyduck131]

Apologies in advance- long one, but haven’t spoken to anyone about this and would appreciate some advice.
My grandmother collapsed a few weeks ago and was rushed to hospital. She was already undergoing tests for a lump on her neck but while in hospital it was discovered that it had spread to her lungs and there isn’t long left. She’s now been moved home with a hospital bed and support from the local hospice. My grandad also has dementia (diagnosed around 10 years ago) and is now at the stage where he often tries to ‘escape’ and doesn’t often recognise me, my father or brothers. He seems to have gone even more downhill following my nan’s hospital admission.
Dad works full time so my uncle helps cases during the week and he takes over at the weekend. My brothers and I are also coming over when we can but all also work with young children.
I’m going around today to help my dad out and just wondered what it would be most helpful for me to do? This has all happened really suddenly and I’ve been incredibly fortunate in that no one close in our family has died or been seriously ill.

I’m selfishly so scared about seeing my nan again as she looks so frail and ill and there are all the distressing features of end of life (the seeming gasping for air, not eating, looking skeletal). The last few times I’ve been she’s recognised me and held my hand (only granddaughter and we’re really close) and I don’t want to spoil those lovely memories (I realise that is an incredibly selfish thing g to admit but, perks of an anonymous forum)
I don’t know what’s best to do with my grandad- luckily he’s isn’t aggressive and seems to be content in his own little world
Finally, I have not got a clue on the best way to support my dad through all this. He tries to take on all the problems and shield everyone else. He is such a strong person but understandably this is taking its toll. Any suggestions of ‘jobs’ I can take off his to relief the pressure?
We all feel a bit in limbo at the moment and sat round waiting for the inevitable to happen- I just get the sense I should be ‘doing’ more.

Anyone that has been through similar and could share wisdom or solidarity?

Sorry- quite a rambly post and far too many brackets!

Two things- talk to your dad. Ask him what he finds hardest, ask him what you could do that would help him. Then spend time with your grandad so your dad can do what he needs to without worrying about how his dad is. Keep your eye on your dad so if he's wrestling with reaching stuff, moving/folding things you can leap up and help.

Have a look and see what needs doing, and start there. Don't throw things away or move things and tidy up that often triggers all sorts of problems. That's ok when you know the ground a bit better, but not initially.
Do some washing. Clean the bathroom or kitchen. That kind of thing.

Re your grandad, when dad was very ill I used to massage his hands with handcream. It was a way of increasing the touching time, that didn't feel uncomfortable for either of us. He may be chatty- just go along with whatever he says- if he thinks your his mum, that's ok. If he's quiet, you can chat to him about anything and nothing.

Thank you so much @picklemewalnuts really appreciate it. Grandad’s dementia had plateaued for a while before my nan’s hospital admission and seemed to be manageable but has definitely got worse over recent weeks. That’s a really good point re not moving things - thank you. I’ll bring some cleaning bits, that is something I can at least get my head around. And will speak to dad today about what he needs, you’re right in the sense there are probably things to do that I have no idea about so no point in guess work.
Just such a horrible time, thanks again for your response.

It is difficult. Your dad will need emotional support as well, as he'll be making decisions that may feel exhausting. If you can do something nice for him, he'll appreciate it I'm sure. Make him a cake? Take him a box of craft beer and a pack of peanuts? Whatever floats his boat!

If you can offer to do a day that dad then doesn't have to worry about. What does dad feel your grandparents need? Ask him what will most help him

But also, talk to him about referring both to adult health and care social services (with their permission). They need to assess granddads needs (now his main carer Grandma, is ill) and they will want to know if Grandma has enough support (does she have fast track continuing healthcare carers going in? If she doesn't have long... or at least social care carers if her likely prognosis is longer)