What would you advise my Dad to do?

[ScrapThatThen]

My ddad is 76, recently bereaved and living in a big place that he loves but is a bit too rural (isolated). He's going to sell. He got really excited about moving into a 4 bed house in his local town (near various acquaintances and his church), but that particular house fell through. I want him to make a move like that that feels like a new start because he has been a carer for many years. He would like to be able to walk down to the shops and stop and chat to people he knows. But me and my siblings all live more than 4 hours drive away. He says his friends have all questioned why he wouldn't move closer to family. He is being monitored for a type of cancer that fortunately was caught in time and has to drive over an hour to a regional hospital. Sometimes one of us travels to drive him. He had a hip replacement but is pretty mobile and 'young' now. I think he's struggling with the idea of being dependent/a burden if he moves to be near one of us, and also which one to move near (he has links near dbro, none near me or dsis, and dbro area probably the most appealing - dbro 'would rather have a burden ten minutes away than four hours away and is very supportive, ddad seems to go to him for help most). Friends are all older that him and not super close. I would love him to move near and dds and dh would all pop by and support. Sometimes he gets emotional and lonely, or says he would like to see us more, but other times he rather pushes us away. I feel in his place I would favour a simpler and smaller place, less to look after as he gets older in ten years, but he clearly feels that's insulting or a step too far yet. I'm trying not to push my own views. Wwyd?

Hi,

This is a really difficult situation and one not too dissimilar to what our family faced.

Logic would suggest moving closer to you for care and assistance but moving someone of that age away from an area they are familiar with can be a big change for someone, I guess a lot of it would depend on how social your father is? Does he have many friends nearby that he meets regularly etc?

Bec

Rather than a four bed village house could he afford two x two bedroom properties? One could near DBro and the other near his friends and interests. They could be lock up and leave style and would give him the opportunity to be ultra flexible.
One property could be let out for now to meet its overheads.
Just a quick aside ... If he is fit enough ...home exchange holidays where you swap your home for a period of days/weeks around the UK/ beyond with someone else, without money changing hands ... could give him a bit of instant adventure if he had a small but interesting house to swap. I know quite a few 60 and 70 somethings who are constantly travelling- although Covid- has clipped their wings a little.

Hi Bec 🙂. So, they moved there 18 years ago, it's not where we grew up. He and his wife had friends through church, but due to her anxiety and then dementia sadly few of these were close. He is likeable but not that sociable and has not kept in touch with friends from elsewhere. She was older and her friends have mostly sadly died or moved into care homes. They had a lot of support from his wife's daughter, from a former cleaner now friend, and they have spent a few Christmases with a lovely couple who now regularly meet up with ddad for Sunday lunches. Ddad would like to volunteer and could take on roles with church and food Bank though COVID is interfering with the former a lot. I agree, it's a dilemma. He has roots there, but only a handful really. What did your family member decide if you don't mind me asking?

That's a great different perspective rinse... honestly his current home is beautiful, a farmhouse, beautiful converted barns, a smallholding with paddock fields and stables I wonder if it would rent easy? There are restrictions on not having holiday homes in his area but for a longer let? He might be open to the adventure idea.

If he’s witnessed the heart break of dementia close up, he probably is future proofing and getting his ducks in a row.

Since he’s already on the page of down sizing from his large lovely property, I guess it would be sensible to encourage that to happen
However, I would be all for showing him the possibilities as a young 76 he still has to have fun. Indulge his dreams and retirement hopes. Covid is so restrictive but by downsizing to a 2 or 3 bed might he have funds left to rent a rural cottage for say a month or two every summer whereupon you and your siblings could visit consecutively so he gets family time?

That's what's so frustrating, he totally future proofed their current home twenty years ago (apart from the isolated location) but now he feels too young to think about the possibility that he might have more challenges in the near future 😔 but I guess it's just too much to think about.

I agree a 2 bed where he is, plus a 1-2 bed near your brother. Lock and leave type properties. Adventures and travel while he can.

I wish my elderly, frail but fiercely independent parents lived closer. It's too late for this now and a constant concern.

If he could be closer to one of you, but still independent I'd encourage that? A small easy to manage place, in a community, with facilities, a welcoming church (I'm not religious but church can be a wonderful support and place of fellowship for those who are) and other tribes ... Near to family.

I wish we had been able to do this when it was possible.

There's this amazing mixed development near me that seems perfect (mix of young professionals, families over 50s and older residents, lovely detached or semi detached houses, flats or retirement flats, with onsite nursing home and care at home outreach services, community club, various sports, laundry services, gym, pool, coffee shop, pharmacy, several local churches including a trendy one which he might like, high end restaurant, golf course, public transport convenient. However that's perfect in my view but probs not his.

I believe some people advise not to make any BIG decisions for a year after bereavement

Sorry for your loss

He could perhaps downsize & spend some of the released money enjoying himself on hobbies, holidays etc

From the people that I have known, there is a big difference between heathly 76 & an older 86

The sensible option would be to move nearer family

I'm thinking that slowing down the decision is a good one. Maybe with COVID as a reason.

Actually scrap his decision doesn’t sound hasty. If his wife had anxiety then dementia, as a couple they may not have the fun retirement they were hoping and he feels cheated. I wouldn’t blame him for selling up quickly. It can only be the correct decision if he is sometimes lonely and physically isolated. The decision about where to go next can always be paused by renting somewhere for six months while he takes longer to decide about actually purchasing a home.

At 76 with a few health issues, I think I would want to search for new adventures and I’d taking advantage of the Covid time to sell up.
And maybe take him to the super development you know about ... it will give him something to compare.

It is difficult.

True too x

I wish my elderly, frail but fiercely independent parents lived closer. It's too late for this now and a constant concern. Difficult for parents. If they're still independent, their support network is where they live, and moving nearer children means leaving their support network behind. My father had to leave behind friends that he went to lectures with or had coffee with, various committees he was on, and his work restoring machinery at an industrial museum.

Doesn't mean the move was wrong (my father was in his 80s and slowing down a lot), but it's not the no-brainer it seems from the outside.

In my case our dad stayed local as he had long standing roots with friends, even silly things like he new local shop keepers etc, a general sense of community which really helps. I guess a lot of it comes down his capabilities and if he's likely to need care in the next ten years. I'd also recommend that it's ultimately a decision your Dad should make as he will moan forever and a day if he feels it wasn't completely his choice 🤣.

Taking your time is never a bad choice, or perhaps he could stop in a hotel close to you guys for a month to try out a new area?

Absolutely he should be closer to you. He will need you more not less as he gets older. At 76 he is young enough to go somewhere else and make a life for himself. 10 years time, if he leaves it, it might just be for care reasons and too late to put down roots.

When my Dad died, Mum was 76. Within 5 weeks of his death, our family home was on the market. She'd always said she couldn't live there alone, and the whole family knew that. Although people do say leave it for 12 months, in her case it was absolutely the right thing to do - helped by the fact that she came to live with us, and we were in the same area.

A close friend of mine moved with her partner to a lovely part of the country, and her Mum (80's) moved closer, so that she could have help if needed. But she left behind everything she knew, and is now pretty lonely.

Flexibility sounds a great thing, if that is possible.

Well, at the moment, sitting in his kitchen with a glass of wine in my hand and tears streaming down my face it is abundantly clear to me that he has little interest in me or my family so I am currently likely to be respectfully bowing out of any help with decisions. Didn't visit us recently when he could have, doesn't ask me anything, much keener to spend Christmas with acquaintances so as not to let them down than with me and mine. I am going to consider myself off the hook. His move.

So sorry scrap. Hope you feel a little better now. But good to know at the beginning not to over-invest. Maybe sound out your siblings as he appears to have been insensitive to your feelings. Christmas is going to be different this year regardless

:)

I think you're right to step a bit back- you don't have to help him make this decision
It's getting emotional for you

There's been some great suggestions on here which you can chat to dad about in a breezy way 'hey have you thought to.. ? it's up to you dad.. we're here if you need us and will understand whatever you decide to do. This could be exciting for you..'

76 isn't old, nor is diagnosis of some type of cancer (unless aggressive) a deal ender.

I'm sorry for your loss OP xx

Is there anywhere in his preferred area that offers some kind of sheltered apartments? MIL moved into one (she was 70) and she gets the privacy of her own apartment without the hassle of looking after a garden and there is a manager on site if they need assistance. They also have a communal lounge where they have social events.