Mother wandering the street

[GreenClock]

Hi. I’m at my wits end.

My 89 year old mother has dementia and my father has put his head in the sand. She’s never had a diagnosis. He’s afraid of her and he’s constantly stressed. They have no family/friends other than me and my three kids. I’ve asked dad a few times over the last few years what would happen if something happened to him and he replied “I don’t want to think about it”. I understand that it’s frightening for him, but it’s so frustrating for me.

Well, he was rushed into hospital with breathing difficulties last night. He’s stable and ok. But my mother, home alone, decided earlier to wander off. She was found half an hour ago wearing a thin coat and summer shoes by some teenagers who called the police - she was talking nonsense but managed to give them my name (my first name is unusual) and they simultaneously found me on social media.

The police have just left my house. They obviously had to respond to the call. A report was filed and they’ll pass it on to social services and the GP. I made it clear that my dad (as well as she) is very vulnerable. In truth, she was always an aggressive, volatile woman (she hit me and verbally abused me as a child, warning me never to have children etc) but the dementia has made it worse. Dad is constantly stressed and has a serous kidney condition. He’s always put his head in the sand, he ignored her treatment of me when I was a child - he’d leave the house if she had a tantrum and I bore the brunt. She stopped pushing me about when I got taller than her.

I feel oddly relieved. Something has happened and now “the authorities” are aware. Maybe nothing will come of it but who knows.

Not sure why I’m posting really. There’s not much I can do, I work full time and am single mum to three kids 14-17 (not little kids, so childcare isn’t a problem if I have to rush off, but they’re young enough to still be my priority Iyswim). I dislike her but I wish her no ill. I hope they get some help.

Thanks for reading.

So sorry you're going through this. My Mum has dementia but my Dad never lived to see it. It's hard...but my sister arranged a LOT of care and she lives at home.

She has three carers a day...morning, lunch and evening...they make sure she's ok. In all honesty I think you should call social services yourself in case it takes a long time.

@GreenClock Sorry to hear what you’re going through OP. I agree with the PP. I think you should call social services yourself and let them intervene.
You could also ring your Mum and Dads GP and explain what’s going on directly. They’ll be able to have a chat with your dad and maybe convince him that community carers are a good idea to have in place.

Sorry about your mum. In my own experience of Adult Social Care, if they suspect family members are willing to help then they put pressure on the family to sort stuff out. It starts off small but gradually ramps up.
In your case I would step right back, offer nothing at all, and let them crack on. You can still support your dad, but you need to look after yourself and your own family unit first and foremost.
Now the authorities are aware of the situation they should get the ball rolling as regards what help your parents need.

@LzzyHale

Sorry about your mum. In my own experience of Adult Social Care, if they suspect family members are willing to help then they put pressure on the family to sort stuff out. It starts off small but gradually ramps up. In your case I would step right back, offer nothing at all, and let them crack on. You can still support your dad, but you need to look after yourself and your own family unit first and foremost. Now the authorities are aware of the situation they should get the ball rolling as regards what help your parents need.

This.

It's totally shit.

Yup, as pps have said step back, and let the, assess. We had this with my gran. Very difficult but got there in the end.

As a small positive how lovely to hear of those teenagers, police and you contacted. That's really heart warming. M

Hope it works out op. The worry is awful.

Contact ASC and ask for advice/help. Is there a Power of Attorney in place? There is some really good technology to support people with dementia which ASC. will.be able to advise on.

Sorry you’re going through this. Totally agree with others. It’s a horrible situation but there could be medication she could take to balance her better so she’s not so angry. Tell them everything so she can get the help she needs. Your dad will not want strangers in the house but they could really help. She may have to be admitted to a home or both to sheltered housing if she wanders off. My neighbour did this at night and was a danger to herself. If your dads asleep he won’t hear her leave.

This is the best thing that could happen. Your dad needs this. I hope he is feeling better soon.

Make it clear you can’t do much to help or you’ll be expected to do everything. You have your own responsibilities. Getting their shopping or somesuch is more than enough if needs be.

You have done well, and other posters have given good advice. You are needed to nag and pester and ensure your father is seen as vulnerable. Try to avoid saying even you will get shopping. At present, people have volunteered to do that, because of Covid. It gives other lines of communication and potential intervention. Save yourself up for emergencies and extras. Unfortunately, as others say, if either you or father can still stand, the S.S. will expect the two of you to do the work of a full time round the clock team of care workers. She is lucky to have you. So is he.

Thank you very much everyone.

@LzzyHale

Sorry about your mum. In my own experience of Adult Social Care, if they suspect family members are willing to help then they put pressure on the family to sort stuff out. It starts off small but gradually ramps up. In your case I would step right back, offer nothing at all, and let them crack on. You can still support your dad, but you need to look after yourself and your own family unit first and foremost. Now the authorities are aware of the situation they should get the ball rolling as regards what help your parents need.

I agree with this.... given what you said about your mother it would be too stressful and damaging for you to try to deal with her yourself

Get a form to claim Attendance Allowance for your Mum. Fill it in with every little detail of help she needs. It is not means tested.

Ring Mums GP and ask her to refer mum - with dementia who was found wandering outside dressed flimsily by police in the evening- to older persons mental health team.

Ring adult health and care (social services) and refer as well, that main carer is in hospital and above information expressing your concern

Where is mum now? At home alone? There should be a carers emergency plan should dad be admitted to hospital again or become unwell. Social workers need to assess mum , with your support to say the things dad plays down.

Whilst dad may decline help to care for his wife (if he's home now), social workers will record the information and a picture will build up.

It's untrue in my experience that social services "are shit", the legislation requires they consider what families and other informal networks can do, or say they will do, does not allow them to over ride peoples decisions where they have capacity even if involves risks. Nor do they have carers sat at edge of their desks ready to go out for unpredictable needs within an hour or two- only for planned care long term needs. So families do tend to step into crises whilst social worker reassesses and discusses options with the involved people, starting with client (Nan) if she is able to express her wishes.

Contingency planning and getting assessment done now would be helpful so that social services can support should this occur again and look at whether dad would accept any help caring for mum generally to support him to care for her or support them both