Not elderly yet parents moving closer

[AliceWhiteRabbit]

Hello. My parents are late 60s and live 2 hours away from me. They moved to that location for my Dad's work but haven't been happy and are selling up and want to move closer to us.

They can't afford the city we live in and they prefer the country. I'm thinking of the future and having to pop in more regularly and driving to see them to help them out. Obviously closer is better but what would be the max distance you'd consider if you had the choice of having parents closer? I think 30 mins drive max. But is that even too far if 20 years down the line I'm working and having to drive there and back of an evening?

Thanks for your help!

My parents lived 12 miles or about a 20 minute drive from us. It was the perfect distance for years. Then, as they aged, they became very frail and ideally I’d have wanted them next door. It was much too far in the end.

Thanks Vinyl. Sorry about your parents. That's so very difficult.

This is exactly what I'm thinking... that if they're going to move. They should just move super close...now

To be honest, it was fine for a long time. It was only when Mum hit 90 and started to develop dementia that it was too far. I was lucky that they lived so long, many don’t.

My Mum is in her eighties and in poor health, she's about thirty minutes away and that is too far now. She's moving closer and will be about five miles away in sheltered housing. I think that will be much better.

My grandparents still live about 30 minutes away from my parents. They have a nice country house and have said this is the house they want until they die. We're all in agreement that we'd much rather have a longer drive but then happier.

From our own experience I’d say half an hour or more would be fine for the next 10-15 years assuming they are both averagely healthy. After that it will depend on how much external help they can afford/are willing to accept/how frail they become. PIL are in their mid 80s and 90 mins away has only just become too far in the past year.

My parents are almost 30 minutes away out in the country, we actually looked at a house near me today and they have put in an offer. Less than 2 miles from me which will be such a help when they are older. They are a young 70 odd but still want them a bit closer.

I believe it is also more difficult to get carers in the countryside. 15 minutes drive wouid be better or even walking distance so that if you didn't have a car you could get to them. It would be good if they could move to a place with buses, small shops, near to a Dr's surgery and a pharmacist so they can be as independent as possible.

When you want to drop in three or more times in a week, you want to be in and out and back home within the hour. So a few minutes drive, and walkable if you've had a drink, is good. On the other hand, it's useful if they aren't able to drop in just for a chat at any hour of day or night. You may love them very much, but you don't want them to appear just as you're beginning to relax on the sofa with your partner, and simply refusing to answer the doorbell, while OK for fit parents in their 60s and 70s, begins to feel disloyal for a frail lone parent in their 80s or 90s. Half a mile worked well for us.

Same thinking applies to nursing homes - I'm so lucky that ours is only 2 miles away. Hopefully that's a long way in the future for your parents.

My parents are half an hour away and now they are elderly and struggling, I wish I was within walking distance or 5 minutes by car. I could call in once a day which would help them a lot.

30 minutes away is not far if you are just doing a social visit once a week, but when they are ill and frail, little and often would be better.

Yes they also need to be within walking distance to GP and shops. My parents can’t drive any more and are literally housebound. Getting them to appointments is a major operation and I do all their shopping.

Obviously up to them, and obviously there is a big element of luck in this - they could have 10 or 15 years of good health, which is a long time for them to be living somewhere they aren't keen on.
However, it gets much harder to move if you leave it until the time when you need to move.
I think 30min drive each way is too far if they start needing you to pop in each day, so I'd be trying to convince them to move much closer to you, whilst they are moving.

Thank you so very much. You've all given me so much to think about and have basically confirmed what I was thinking...which is - whilst they're moving anyway - closer is better.

Thank you - hugely helpful.

On the other hand, my father lived 150 miles from us, and it wasn't till he was 83 that he moved to be near us, whereupon he carved out a new life for himself doing voluntary work and getting involved in civic affairs. So given a suitably tough and stoic individual, it's not impossible to make another move later.

futureproof is really what you want to get over to them ...
A downstairs bedroom with toilet, a walk in shower, potential to get an extra high wc, a short walk to public transport, a manageable garden...
Also getting them to downsize paper work, filing and the things they keep in their loft/ garage
I’ve said to my kids that at 60 I am having a major de-clutter as I’ve had so many house clearances to do over the years