Just found out my mother is doubly incontinent

[alladinzane]

My Mother is 84 and my Dad is 87. They live together in a lovely retirement flat that they own and although we've known it couldn't last forever, everything has been great for a while now. Recently my dad was diagnosed with polyscythaemia but this seems fine and under control (daily chemo tablet but no side effects). He is utterly dedicated to my mother who has very poor mobility. He promised me she hadn't had any recent falls but admitted to my brother that she has had several falls, even when she has waited for dad to help her. He is at his very limit looking after her despite a carer coming in twice a day to get her out of bed, wash her, get her to bed in the evening. Now he has dropped in to the conversation that she is doubly incontinent.

It just feels impossible. Dad has just given up driving and there are no care homes in the village where they live and have much support.

I know there's probably not much advice to be had but hey, it's good to talk!

It sounds as if the current care package needs assessing and adjusting OP. You and your brother can't just leave it. Intervention.

Thanks for your reply. Yes, I agree there is room to improve the care package - my brother is coming over next week to discuss what needs to be done. But realistically she is very close to needing proper care. I worry that my dad isn't looking after himself because he is so focused on caring for her.

I live an hour away and haven't visited much recently because I work in a hospital and couldn't risk it. My brother is brilliant and we are working through it.

Thinking of everyone going through this right now, particularly with covid not helping matters.

It's so hard when your parents reach this point and inevitably you will want to do everything you can to support them.

It may be that they will manage with additional carers, or perhaps finding a home for them together would be an option?

One thing to bear in mind, based on my own experience...there is only so much you can control what happens going forward.

I have run myself into the ground for over 18 months trying to 'fix' my elderly parents issues, but the bottom line is they both have capacity and therefore what they say goes. Another thing I've discovered is that if there is not a medical need for something, it won't happen,no matter how much more comfortable it might make life your parents or easier for you.

I drove myself to the point of being suicidal trying to make things right for my parents.

Love them of course, help them as much as you're able, but don't be labouring under the illusion that you can manage everything for them.

Take care of yourself.

@gamerchick

It sounds as if the current care package needs assessing and adjusting OP. You and your brother can't just leave it. Intervention.

That.

Carers can come in four or more times a day if necessary.

Minty they are wise words. It's a lot to worry about. I'm so glad I am close to my brother and like-minded. I have an only child and will do my darndest to make sure he's not in this position!

Would they have to sell up if they both go in a home?

Ca you ask Social Services to do an assessment? You may have to bite your tongue to stop volunteering how much you and your brother can do to help your parents, or SS will just let you get on with it.
DH had a very positive experience with local SS, but many on MN have not been so lucky. DH primed SS by giving them a few pointers and they were very good at asking the right questions, and saw through his DM's claims that she could manage everything in the house.
(In her head, she could, but in real life she was struggling with mobility, her memory - oh and would not admit to being incontinent. But that's another story!).
I hope your DPs are agreeable to the assessment. "You've paid all your taxes, you are entitled to one" worked for us. We were pleasantly surprised to learn how much help was made available in the form of aids to support them continuing to live in their own home, for example.
Good luck.

Would they have to sell up? Not immediately, if they have enough in savings, and depending on whether they go into a private or council care home.

The private ones local to MIL wanted evidence that she could self-fund for 2 years before agreeing to take her. (Average stay in a nursing home is 18 months ...).

Thanks for your answer. My brother's coming over to discuss it properly and work out what care we can arrange.

As i can tell from other posts is common, they hide from me the true extent of the situation. My dad is only coming out with this because he's reaching his limit.

I feel like just last year she was a healthy if elderly woman.

I have no advice other than what other people have said. My mother was like this due to Alzheimers and my Dad tried to cover it up. When I finally had to call in help they resented me for it and my mother refused to let any carers into the house. It was a terrible time and she ended up in a care home.

I hope your parents will accept the help they are entitled to.

Thanks Captain, I think they will accept the help. They have had visits from age uk to work out what benefits etc they are entitled to and we have been holding the 'you've paid in all your lives you are entitled to it' line which they agree with.

I just feel sometimes they are like children who don't want you to find out what they've been up to. They have nearly lost all their money TWICE after getting duped over the phone. It was only the bank having good controls that saved them. We have to read between the lines with them because it's just a stray word or two or massive understatement that reveals what's really going in.

Thanks so much for all your posts and support.

Have they set up PoAs? If they still have capacity might be good to get it done now.

That's an important point Fluffy, I'll talk to my bro about that as well.

@MintyCedric

It's so hard when your parents reach this point and inevitably you will want to do everything you can to support them.

It may be that they will manage with additional carers, or perhaps finding a home for them together would be an option?

One thing to bear in mind, based on my own experience...there is only so much you can control what happens going forward.

I have run myself into the ground for over 18 months trying to 'fix' my elderly parents issues, but the bottom line is they both have capacity and therefore what they say goes. Another thing I've discovered is that if there is not a medical need for something, it won't happen,no matter how much more comfortable it might make life your parents or easier for you.

I drove myself to the point of being suicidal trying to make things right for my parents.

Love them of course, help them as much as you're able, but don't be labouring under the illusion that you can manage everything for them.

Take care of yourself.

Thank you for this, I really needed to hear it.

Please contact your local adult health and care (social services) to get an urgent review of her needs snd care package, advising that she is doubly incontinent only has twice daily care and her main carer (dad) is seriously ill and unable to manage the care he used to do. She will be a priority for them to see. If you jump straight to residential care, and say you'll be looking to fund it, they'll just give you advice and information, & it may not be the only option for her. Let the social worker assess

Hi op, I'm so sorry you and your parents are going through this, it's really tough. My mum has advanced dementia and is in a care home.
In ordinary times, I would say try to get them both into a care home together. In Covid times, I would try to up the care package and see if that helps.
We've seen mum twice for 15 minutes at a time since April and there are no signs of us seeing her any time soon.
Please bear that in mind

If your dad wants to keep your mum at home social services should be able to support you in enabling that. We kept my mum at home until the very end which was what she and he wanted. Money ran out obviously but then social services paid for the majority of care.